


Twelve Months to the Altar

by MissBinx



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Complicated Relationships, Cunnilingus, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Infidelity, Everyone Has Issues, F/M, Family Dynamics, Fashion & Couture, Forbidden Love, Frottage, HEA (eventually), I pity those who binge this because ouch, Infidelity, Jealousy, Kylo is a fashion designer, Non-Penetrative Sex, Oral Sex, Pining, Poe sends dick pics, Rey has issues, Rey is an architect, Weddings, ben has issues, empathy required for this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:40:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 87,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23606200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissBinx/pseuds/MissBinx
Summary: Ten years ago, Ben Solo was betrayed by his best friend Poe Dameron.Five years ago, Ben Solo became Kylo Ren, renowned haute couture designer.Ten days ago, Kylo Ren promised his mother he would make a wedding dress for Poe's bride-to-be.And in 12 months, Poe Dameron will marry the most beautiful woman Kylo Ren has ever seen.A.K.A. A story in which Kylo and Rey fall in love over the course of a year leading up to her wedding to the man Kylo hates.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 948
Kudos: 1207
Collections: Reylo Prompt Fills (@reylo_prompts)





	1. May 2020

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thesupremejedi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesupremejedi/gifts).



_May 2020, 12 months before the wedding_

“Explain to me again how exactly you know _the_ Kylo Ren?” Rey pressed as her fiance opened the door to a nondescript looking building off of 5th Avenue. He guided her inside quickly with a hand on the small of her back.

“An old friend,” Poe Dameron smirked at her in that way that was both infuriating and endearing. She could tell he was avoiding going into details and he must have known that only made her all the more curious. His smirk turned into a full-on grin as her brow furrowed and she opened her mouth to _insist_ on more details.

“Dameron...” A smooth deep voice cut into the conversation. Rey looked away from her fiance to the man who’d just addressed him. She felt her breath catch in her throat and she tried not to stare.

The man was taller than Poe, well over six feet and dressed immaculately. Not that anyone would say Poe dressed poorly. His job as a lawyer required it and her fiance always looked good, in a carefree-not-trying kind of way. But this… specimen of a man was dressed in a way that demanded attention. She shook her head, wondering why she was even comparing her _wonderful_ fiance to some stranger. Some stranger who was the epitome of tall, dark and handsome.

A genial grin plastered itself on Poe’s face as he stepped towards the other man. “Ben! How are ya, pal?” Poe handed his coffee off to Rey and clapped the taller man on the back. “Still a giant, I see...”

The man scowled and shook Poe’s hand off of his suit jacket. “This is cashmere.” He ran his hands over the fabric as though the simple gesture Poe made had somehow ruined his no-doubt ridiculously expensive jacket.

God, this guy looked good even with a scowl on his face. But now the tension in the room was palpable enough that Rey felt the need to insert herself in the conversation, “Sorry. We have an appointment to see Kylo Ren.”

The tall man turned and looked at her, raising an eyebrow. He looked back at Poe with an expression that said, ‘Is she serious?’

Poe laughed and guided Rey towards the man, “Honey, this _is_ Kylo Ren.” The way in which he said it

“Oh,” was all Rey said and she could feel her cheeks getting warm. “I uh… I guess I thought Kylo Ren was… a woman?”

Poe burst out laughing, though she wasn’t sure if it was because of her cluelessness or because of the horrified look on Kylo Ren’s face.

“I just… I’m sorry! I don’t know much about fashion and I’ve only ever heard your name on those silly red carpet shows...” Rey started to ramble. Kylo’s face got even angrier and Rey realized her mistake quickly, “Not that I think your job is _silly_! Oh God...” Leave it to her to insult one of the world’s most influential designers.

“You’ll have to forgive my darling fiancee,” Poe laughed, throwing an arm around Rey. “She doesn’t really know much about fashion.”

Kylo looked down his nose at her, “I can tell...”

Rey bristled at that. He didn’t need to be a jerk about it! She’d apologized for the confusion, hadn’t she? It was just clothes, anyway. To top it all off, there was nothing wrong with what she was wearing. In fact, she’d borrowed it from Poe’s boss, Leia, who just happened to be one of the classiest, best-dressed women she knew. It was basic, sure, a black pencil skirt and a white blouse, but wasn’t basic better than gaudy or patterned?

“Looks like something my mom would wear,” he muttered under his breath as he turned to Poe. “Consider this your wedding gift from me, Dameron.”

Poe squeezed her shoulder calmingly, sensing that she was ready to start a fight. She took back all of her previous notions of this man. He was an _ass_. Before she could let him know that was exactly what she thought of _him,_ Poe smoothed it over with his usual charm, “Wouldn’t expect anything less! Though I suppose this means I actually have to invite you now.”

Rey stifled a laugh and Kylo gave her fiance a glare. “Well I don’t have all day.” He turned and walked towards his drafting table at the back of the room. Poe took Rey’s hand and led her over to where Kylo Ren had perched himself on a stool. He turned to Rey, “Do a turn for me.”

She felt ridiculously self-conscious as she slowly spun in a full circle. By the time she was facing him again, he had already turned away and started sketching something on the notepad. A few minutes passed before he held it up to show the couple. The dress had sheer cape sleeves and the skirt itself was made of lace and tulle, cut above the knee and asymetrical.

“I _LOVE_ it,” Poe said immediately.

“It is beautiful...” Rey conceded. Kylo Ren had talent to pull that out of thin air in such short time. She would never insult him by telling him what he already knew. And it was a gorgeous dress. Hell, she was willing to admit that she loved the dress too… just not for her wedding.

“But?” Kylo said, raising an eyebrow at her.

“But it’s short...” Rey mumbled, worried that this opinion might offend Kylo Ren.

“That’s what makes it great,” Poe argued before Kylo had a chance to get offended. “Your legs are amazing. In a dress like that, every woman will be jealous of you and every man of me!”

Rey blushed. Poe was always saying sweet things like that. Sometimes she couldn’t believe that another person felt those things about her. She’d dreamed of getting married since she was a little girl. All she ever wanted was for someone to want her. And if this dress was what Poe wanted, who cared if it wasn’t exactly what she’d always imagined? “Okay,” she told him with a nod as she reached over and gave his hand a gentle squeeze. She turned to Kylo, “We love it.”

Kylo looked at her for a little too long and Rey felt almost like he didn’t believe her but then he set the sketchpad on the drafting table. “Great. I’ll just need to get your measurements. My assistant will be in touch to schedule a date.”

“Wow, that was way easier than I thought it was going to be,” Poe said. He wrapped his arms around Rey and dipped her before giving her a sweet kiss on the lips. “You’re an easy girl to please. One of the many things I love about you.”

Rey blushed and shied away from the attention she was receiving in front of a stranger. “Thank you so much, Mr. Ren. I’ll see you next month.” She smiled and waved as she let Poe drag her off, babbling something about a promise he’d made to take her out for tacos before he had to return to work.

*******

Once they were gone, Kylo retreated to his office and grabbed his phone off of his desk. As expected, there was a text message from his mother asking how the meeting with Poe went. He stared at the screen, unsure of how to even answer the question. He was too humiliated to admit to his mother that the bride-to-be had thought he was a woman. Leia would no doubt tell Han and he’d really never hear the end of it then.

A year ago, Kylo wasn’t even talking to his parents. After the falling-out in his late teens, he’d cut off contact with everyone he’d known. It had taken ten years to even begin to rebuild a relationship with his parents.

Not just his parents – but Poe Dameron.

Kylo Ren had known Poe Dameron his entire life. They’d been best friends then too. Poe’d been a little shit back then too and they’d caused all kinds of trouble together, but the kind of trouble that made moms shake their heads and say ‘boys will be boys’. And when they’d done something a little too unforgivable, Poe was a master charmer who time and again saved both of their asses from getting into trouble. Kylo knew that was probably what made Poe Dameron one of the best attorneys in the state of New York.

But then Poe got a girlfriend, Rose, who hadn’t liked him. She was a goody-good and one of the popular kids and she’d thought he was too sulky, boring… troubled. Poe had abandoned him in favor of Rose and her friends like he was _embarrassed_ to be seen with Ben Solo. And that had hurt him more than he was willing to admit now.

Back then, at 17, he’d buried that pain with pot, with girls, with new friends that he knew now were trouble. God, how his parents _hated_ Hux. He’d met Armitage Hux at the same prep school he’d gone to and all he really knew about him was that his dad was some big military official and that he was a raging asshole. The red-head’s only redeeming quality was that he seemed to drive Leia and Han insane – always sneering and talking back.

By the time he graduated high school, his parents had turned to berating him, “Why can’t you be more like Poe?” “Poe’s going to Harvard.” “You squandered away all your potential for nothing!” Day in and day out, of being told he wasn’t worth anything, Ben decided he couldn’t take anymore. He stole his dad’s car (And Han still hadn’t forgiven him for that), sold it for money to buy coke, and never looked back.

He’d spent the first few years partying with Hux and living on strangers’ couches. They’d built names for themselves in New York’s club scene and to this day, Kylo was amused how often his picture had ended up in fashion editorials featuring the city’s night life. Perhaps that was where Ben’s passion for clothes had begun. He was vain enough to admit it was a thrill to be complimented and admired in some way. To feel appreciated for something, even if it was just for how he dressed.

All of the partying was fun while it lasted, but when Hux got involved with drug dealing and another friend wound up murdered, he decided he’d had enough. He couldn’t go back home. Ben Solo knew he’d never be the son his parents wanted. So he changed his name, hitch-hiked across the country to L.A., got some semblance of his sanity back, and started slowly carving out a life for himself.

Broke, he took a job at several high-end retail stores to learn about fashion merchandising. Twice a week, he took free sewing classes at a local community center, surrounded by grey-haired ladies making quilts. When he wasn’t working or taking classes, he was sketching. He could sit at venice beach for hours, looking at half-dressed boys and girls and sketching out what styles would look best on them. It took him a few years to stop hating himself, to realize that there was nothing wrong with him and he didn’t need to meet anyone else’s expectations. He deserved to be happy too.

He had talent, and others soon recognized that. Almost overnight, he shot to the top in the fashion world. He’d caught his lucky break designing a dress for a starlet and then the calls kept pouring in. Two years later, here he was, back in New York setting up the headquarters of his fashion empire.

Being back in New York, it was hard not to think of Leia and Han. At first, he wondered if they’d ever be able to put the past behind them. His parents had certainly never tried. And now Ben… Kylo… was a successful adult whose parents had nothing to be ashamed of. Surely, they’d welcome him back. Maybe even be proud of him someday.

He’d been the one to reach out. After all these years, his parents still had the same old landline and probably the same old answering machine he’d left a short, rambling message inviting his parents to dinner. His mother had showed up, Han had not. The dinners became monthly and after a few months, Han started showing up. Then, recently, the monthly dinners turned into weekly ones at the Organa-Solo house.

Things weren’t perfect – they skirted around talking about the past. Maybe they’d never be perfect, but for now Kylo was happy enough that they were talking.Which also meant that he couldn’t very well ignore his mother’s text, no matter how much he wanted to. “It went fine, quick and painfree,” was all he texted back because the last thing he wanted was for his mother to know just how much he hated her Golden Boy. Just _thinking_ about Poe was making him mad.

And it was only because his mother, ten days ago, had practically begged him to agree to design a wedding dress for Poe Dameron’s fiance. He knew he was being emotionally blackmailed by his mother and that it was probably just a scheme to get them to be friends again. He’d suck it up for the sake of his parents, if it brought them closer to forgiving him.

Today was the first time he’d seen Poe Dameron in ten years, and what his best friend had done _still hurt_. When he saw Poe enter his studio, he tried to ignore the overly-familiar way Poe greeted him. As if he hadn’t stabbed Ben in the back. And what the _fuck_ was that snide comment about having to invite him to the wedding? Another bitter reminder that at the end of the day, Poe didn’t actually want anything to do with Ben Solo.

And to top it off, of course, Poe Dameron was marrying the prettiest thing he’d ever laid his eyes on.

Thinking about Rey’s blush, the way her brows furrowed, that flash of anger when he’d insulted her… and _God,_ that _smile_ she’d given him before leaving. Those dimples. It made his knees weak. And it made anger rise in his chest because it proved that once again, Poe Dameron got everything Ben Solo wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The Dress Kylo Designed](https://i.pinimg.com/474x/26/b2/6e/26b26eda72b45d97a6dd6688786099d3--chanel-dress-chanel-wedding-dress.jpg)


	2. June 2020

_June 2020, 11 months before the wedding_

Kylo Ren did _not_ get nervous. Nervousness was a trait of the weak. Ben Solo had been a nervous kid but he’d killed that part of himself years ago. For God’s sake he had a dress fitting with Meryl _fucking_ Streep yesterday. He was refusing to get nervous about seeing Rey again. In fact, he was 99% sure he was just building the woman up in his mind. No doubt, it was just some kind of psychological reaction to seeing Poe Dameron again.

That had to be it, Kylo told himself. He’d spent so long being jealous of Poe that he’d seen Rey for more than what she really was. He expected Poe to be dating the world’s most beautiful woman so his mind had tricked him into thinking that was the case. Either way, it didn’t matter if she was beautiful or not. He’d get his assistant to take the measurements and then she could be on her way until he was ready for a fitting.

At least that was the plan. The second Rey walked through the door, sans Poe, all thoughts of passing the work off to Phasma went out the door. Rey was even more beautiful than he’d remembered, especially now that she was out of that dowdy skirt and blouse combo she’d worn last time. The simple jeans and blouse suited her much better and he felt his mouth getting dry as she smiled at him and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.

“Mr. Ren, nice to see you again.” She held out her hand and Kylo stared at it for a minute before shaking it. Her palm was damp, so maybe she was just as nervous as he was.

“I’ll take your bag,” Phasma, Kylo’s assistant stepped forward and held her hand out towards Rey. “Would you like some tea? Coffee?”

“Tea would be great,” she smiled and handed her bag to the other woman. Once Phasma was gone, she turned back to Kylo and they just awkwardly stood there until Rey broke the silence, “Um, I’m sorry again about last time.”

“What happened last time?” Phasma quirked an eyebrow as she came back with a steaming cup and a measuring tape.

“Nothing,” Kylo snapped at his assistant before giving Rey a stiff smile. “No need to apologize.” If Phasma knew, she’d have an aneurysm from laughing so hard. He grabbed the measuring tape and pocketed it. “Ms. Johnson, if you’re ready...” he didn’t wait for a response before he spun on his heel and led her to the back.

*****

Rey would be lying if she said she got any sleep at all last night. She’d been dreading the measurement appointment since her last disastrous meeting with Kylo Ren. Poe thought it was hilarious, because everything was hilarious to him. But it was embarrassing in a way that Poe would never understand because he wasn’t uncouth like her. He’d been raised in prep schools, had always had nice clothes and nice things. He was normal. Better than normal, really.

He couldn’t even begin to comprehend how embarrassed -- no _humiliated_ , she felt by that first meeting. Rey grew up in the foster system so when she was a child, her clothes weren’t even her clothes. They were someone else’s clothes first and became someone else’s again once she outgrew them. She didn’t even own anything truly hers until she became a legal adult. And even then, she bought her clothes from garage sales or consignment shops. It wasn’t until she’d graduated college that she bought her first piece of clothing from an actual store.

She was sure that every woman her age knew of Kylo Ren (although she thought, maybe she would have too if she’d known how good-looking he was). And that was the main thing that bothered her, wasn’t it? She had no clue who Kylo Ren was until Poe had brought up that he would make her a dress. She was a huge phony. There were women out there that would commit murder to get a custom couture wedding dress from _the_ Kylo Ren and it had just fallen into her lap. She was a nobody and had done nothing to deserve the dress, or Poe or Leia or anything good in her life.

Rey didn’t belong here and now she didn’t even have Poe to help her out of any awkward situations. She’d practically begged him to come, but of course he had a big case on literally the only day her schedule matched up with when Kylo was free. So here she was, alone, already putting her foot in her mouth for apologizing for something that the designer clearly didn’t ever want brought up again.

She sighed and took the cup from Phasma who gave her a mildly-sympathetic shrug as she walked Rey to where Kylo Ren had disappeared. It must have been the fitting room, though that was an understatement. Three of the walls were exposed brick and the final wall, which Kylo was leaning against, was completely mirrored from floor to ceiling. The opposite wall had a huge rolling curtain across it for, what Rey guessed, clients to change.

She tried not to look at how impatient Kylo looked as he leaned against a wall and checked his watch. Phasma led her into the fitting area and pulled a curtain closed around her. “Just your undergarments, no shoes.”

Rey nodded to herself, glad that she’d googled what happens at these sessions before just wearing whatever grungy underwear were clean. She didn’t have a lot of girlfriends, and the people in her world now seemed to intuitively know how to engage in these situations. They didn’t need google to tell them to wear a strapless bra and nice underwear.

She could imagine Rose laughing at her for even asking. There was no way she was telling anyone how she’d gotten up early and was waiting outside of Victoria’s Secret this morning to buy something ‘suitable’. Or that she’d changed into her new set of underwear in the bathroom at the Starbucks around the corner before walking here.

As she stripped off her jeans and folded them neatly, she could hear Kylo and Phasma talking in hushed voices and suddenly felt self-conscious. Were they talking about her clothes again? She was sure that Kylo Ren would have something rude to say and the thought made her fold her blouse a little too aggressively.

“Are you finished?” Kylo’s voice carried through the curtain.

Rey froze. _Shit._ Kylo was going to be the one taking measurements. She just figured it would be Phasma.“Um, yeah...”

Kylo whipped the curtain open and Rey instinctively covered herself with her arms, her eyes wide. He practically sneered at her reaction and she felt her face getting red. “I’ve seen plenty of women in their underwear, relax.”

Rey couldn’t even look at him as she lowered her arms, feeling that familiar humiliation she’d felt last time she was here. He was a designer, of course he saw women in their underwear every day. Women far more sexy, powerful, famous, and beautiful than her. There was no point for modesty when there was nothing particularly exciting about her anyway.

He pulled the tape measure out of his pocket and started measuring from her shoulders, pausing to write each measurement down. Rey felt awkward in the silence, almost like she was being punished for something. Maybe for thinking he was a woman, or assuming that he would ogle her in her boring white panties. Before she could stop herself, she asked, “How do you and Poe know each other?”

*****

Phasma crossed the room towards Kylo once Rey began undressing. She held out her hand for the tape measure, “You don’t need to hang around. I’ll send the measurements in an email.”

Kylo shook his head, “I’ll do it.” He’d told Phasma that he’d wanted her to do it that morning. He’d been hoping to put as much distance between himself and Rey as possible – anything to get him to stop daydreaming about her dimpled smile. But now that he’d seen her again, he selfishly wanted to be the one to do it.

Phasma raised an eyebrow at him, “But you said...”

Kylo fought back the urge to snap at her. Leave it to the blonde giant to call him out on what he’d said earlier. On the outside, he remained calm as he told her, “She’s a family friend. I should really do it myself.”

Phasma gave him a look, one that clearly said she wasn’t buying his crap, and then left the room with a shrug. “I’m going to pick up your dry cleaning, then.”

Kylo nodded and as soon as she was gone, he crossed the room to the curtain and called through it, “Are you finished?”

There was a brief pause before Rey squeaked out, “Um, yeah...”

He grabbed a fistful of the velvet fabric and slid the curtain open. Rey’s arms quickly raised to cover herself, but not before Kylo caught an eyeful. If he thought his mouth had been dry earlier, it was a desert now.

He’d always considered himself to have a black kink, especially when it came to women’s underwear, but Rey made white look positively sinful. She had on a strapless lace bustier and a pair of simple lace bikini cut panties, like some kind of virgin seductress.

What was she doing wearing something so _sexy_ to a measurement? If he was Poe, he wouldn’t let her leave the bedroom, let alone the house in something like that.

But the more pressing issue was that she was covering her body like he’d walked in on something he wasn’t supposed to see. On a professional level, frankly he was insulted. Despite the fact that on a personal level, he was having trouble not picturing a million filthy scenarios this session could take. He couldn’t go there, as much as he wanted to, so with a put-on scoff he told her, “I’ve seen plenty of women in their underwear, relax.”

After a moment of hesitation, in which Kylo was afraid she could somehow read every dirty thought in his mind, she finally lowered her arms so he could begin measuring. He stepped forward while unrolling his tape, telling himself that he just needed to focus on his work, focus on the numbers on the tape and not the heat of Rey’s body. After a few minutes of him working silently, Rey awkwardly asked, “How do you and Poe know each other?”

Kylo didn’t freeze in his work as he wound the tape around her waist, glad for the distraction. His mind was beginning to wander to a filthy image of grabbing that tiny waist and lowering her naked body right onto his… he shook his head and asked, “He hasn’t told you that?”

“He just… kind of skirts around it. He said you’re old friends.”

“We grew up together,” Kylo told her, more than happy to tell her what Poe wouldn’t. He must have been worried it would make him look bad. “We were best friends until high school.”

Rey smiled and Kylo felt like gagging at the dreamy tone she took on as she asked, “So you knew him when he was little? What was he like?”

“A smarmy little asshole,” Kylo grumbled, startled when it earned a beautiful laugh from Rey. He glanced a look up at her and she looked genuinely amused by his answer.

“Sounds about right,” She grinned. “So what happened in high school?”

Kylo was silent as he pulled the tape around her hips. When he was finished with that measurement, he met her eyes, “He ditched me.”

Rey frowned in a way that made it clear she didn’t quite believe that was true. “That doesn’t seem like Poe.” Kylo drew his attention away from her face and held the tape to the hollow between her collarbones. “Hold this,” he told her and she complied as he dropped to his knees to take the measurement to the floor. Of course, she only saw Poe the same way his parents did. Poe Dameron could do nothing wrong.

“I just mean, it’s probably more complicated than that,” she continued when he didn’t reply.

Kylo shrugged, “That’s how I see it. He started dating Rose and hung out with a crowd I wasn’t cool enough for.” He almost cringed at how bitter he sounded. About something that happened in high school.

“Wait,” Rey said lowly and dropped her hand to Kylo’s shoulder. “Rose? Rose Tico?”

“Uh, yeah. I’m pretty sure that was her name,” Kylo said, drawing his attention up her body to her face and trying not to think about how easy it would be to bury his face against her from where he was kneeling. He wondered if she’d touch his shoulder gently like that if he rubbed his nose against her lace-clad cunt or maybe she’d tug at his hair when he’d switch from nuzzling to mouthing at her.

His thoughts were interrupted as she threw her head back and cackled in a very unladylike manner. “Poe and Rose?! No way!” She practically squealed.

Kylo stood back up. Damn, she was cute when she laughed.

“You’re telling me Rose and Poe dated?” She asked, wiping the tears from her eyes.

“Yeah, that’s what I said,” he grumbled, not finding any humor in the situation. Couldn’t she see he was basically pouring himself out to her.

“Oh my God,” she sighed, trying to calm herself down.

“Why exactly is that so funny?” Kylo asked as he returned to work.

“Because Rose Tico is married to my best friend. She’s the one that set me up with Poe! And oh my God! They used to date and never told me. I am SO going to make fun of them…” She looked positively gleeful to have learned this information.

Kylo, on the other hand, was suddenly feeling like emo Ben Solo. Of course, that bitch Rose was behind this. Maybe instead of being angry at Poe, he should direct all of that rage towards her. “They probably just didn’t want you to know they used to fuck.”

That made the smile drop from her face real fast. “Noooo,” she shook her head. “You think?”

Kylo looked at her like she was crazy, “Uh, yeah. In fact, I know they did...” Poe’s dad was never home and he knew for a fact his friend had brought girls there before he was ever dating Rose Tico. He seriously doubted that Poe and Rose had never had sex.

Rey wrinkled her nose, “That… is _horrifying_. Maybe I’ll just keep this information to myself. Though I wonder if Finn knows.”

With a shrug, Kylo continued his work. He didn’t really have anything to add to the conversation and now he was moody too. He hadn’t been this moody since he was in high school and it felt absolutely shitty to feel this way. He didn’t want to be mad at Poe, he didn’t even want to care about anything that had happened back then. He’d gotten rid of Ben and was trying to live the life he wanted as Kylo Ren.

Maybe if Poe had come in here with Rose (or literally any other girl), he wouldn’t be feeling this way. Maybe he’d be able to let the past be the past. He’d be able to be cordial to Poe, maybe even friendly. When Kylo had promised this favor to his mother, he’d been hopeful that was what would happen.

But then Poe Dameron just had to show him up again, rub his perfection in Kylo Ren’s face too, by bringing Rey Johnson in his life. Now that he had everything – money, success, his parents back in his life – Poe had to find one more thing that Kylo wanted but could never have.

He finished measuring Rey quickly and in silence, wanting to just get this over with. At least she seemed to sense that he was done talking about Poe and the past. When he was finished, he closed his moleskin notepad and tucked it and the tape measure in his pocket. “Well, that’s it, Ms. Johnson. I’ll find your bag.”

She nodded and pulled the curtain tight as he stepped out of the dressing room. He’d give her some privacy to get dressed, and himself some time to cool down. He left the fitting room and found that Phasma had left Rey’s bag on the counter next to the coffee maker. He poured himself a cup in order to focus on anything but Rey.

The sketch of the dress he’d designed for her was still sitting on the counter so he picked it up as he took a sip of his coffee. Something about the dress didn’t sit right with him. He’d drawn it because, like Poe said, Rey had fantastic legs and he’d wanted to draw attention to that.

Not only that, Rey was uniquely beautiful and Kylo thought something unique would suit her more than a traditional wedding dress. Admittedly, he’d been selfish in the design and drew something he’d like to see her in and maybe that’s why it didn’t sit right with him. Maybe he knew, on some level, it wasn’t what _she_ wanted.

“Thank you, Mr. Ren,” Rey called his attention as she came up next to him to retrieve her bag. “For everything, really.”

When he looked at her, she looked sincere and that embarrassed him. He hadn’t done anything to deserve a thanks especially since he'd been having dirty thoughts about her all day. Instead of accepting the thanks, he hummed at her and held up the drawing, “Do you really like this?”

Rey blinked and looked at it and then up at him, “Of course I do.”

“Do you want to get married in this?” he asked again, realizing maybe he’d asked the wrong question. He knew the design was good.

“What girl wouldn’t want to get married in such a pretty Kylo Ren dress?” she shot back, and he could tell the answer was calculated. She didn’t want to offend him.

“Does _Rey Johnson_ want to get married in this Kylo Ren dress?” he asked, starting to feel a little exasperated that she was tiptoeing around the answer.

“I’m just happy to be able...” she began before he cut her off.

“Enough,” he said and tore off the page. He looked her dead in the eyes as he balled it up and tossed it in the garbage can next to the counter. “I’m not making this for you.”

“What? No!” Rey panicked. “I do, yes, I want to get married in the dress!” She bent down and pulled the paper out of the trash, trying in vain to smooth out the crumpled paper. She held it out to him, tears shining in her eyes. “I’m sorry, Mr. Ren. I really do love it.”

His glare softened at the pathetic look she was giving him. “Would you quit being so stubborn? I’m not making _that_ dress for you,” he snatched the paper away from her hand and threw it in the garbage again. “I’ll make something better.”

“What? No! I think it’s great,” she argued, her voice shaky. “I didn’t mean to offend you.”

“Rey, stop.” He grabbed her shoulders. “I’m not offended that you don’t like the dress. In fact, most people I work for don’t like the first draft. I’m more offended that you let Poe Dameron browbeat you into agreeing to something you didn’t want.”

Rey frowned up at him. “I didn’t let him browbeat me. It’s his wedding too.”

Kylo rolled his eyes. “It’s your wedding. He’s lucky you even agreed to marry his dumb ass.”

Rey cracked a smile and Kylo noted that she seemed to enjoy whenever he made fun of Poe. He’d be proud of himself for making her smile if she didn’t follow it up with, “I just want him to be as happy as he makes me.”

“Well, another reason why Poe is so lucky,” Kylo said and tried not to sound bitter about it. Would anyone ever feel that way about him? And did it matter when she wouldn’t have Rey’s laugh or her dimples? He knew he had to stop thinking about her like that. He’d just met her and he sounded like a love-sick emo teenager. “You said it was too short,” Kylo changed the subject. “The dress,” he clarified.

Rey blushed and scratched the back of her neck, “Well, I just always thought I’d get married in something more...”

“Traditional?” Kylo finished.

“Yeah, I guess. I mean, it’s probably the only day I’ll ever feel like a princess,” Rey admitted and her blush told him that was an embarrassing thing to admit.

He nodded his head, deciding not to make any comments that would embarrass her. Or more importantly _him_. Like that he’d make her feel like a princess every day if she’d just let him kiss her. Instead, he said, “I’ll come up with a couple of other ideas for next time.”

Rey nodded, “Thank you.”

She looked like she might cry again so he told her, “And I’ll make sure it’s still something that’ll knock Dameron’s socks off.”

She grinned and slid her backpack on. “I’m looking forward to it.”

Kylo just nodded, too fixated on her smile for his brain to function. As she retreated to the door he added, “Phasma will be in touch to make an appointment.”

He’d need a couple of days to really sit down and crank out a couple of designs. With only 11 months until the wedding, he needed to finalize the design and source the materials in order to have time to complete it among his other projects. Luckily, his parents had invited him to the Hampton house for their annual 4th of July weekend. He’d have plenty of time to work on it then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters will be getting longer from here on out as most will have multiple Rey/Kylo encounters per month going forward. And I think you can all guess what might happen next month :)
> 
> [Rey's Outfit Inspo](https://imgur.com/a/jg0ZBK4)  
> [Kylo's Outfit Inspo](https://imgur.com/a/rVI2XfS)
> 
> And going forward if anyone would like to contribute mood boards with outfit inspo, I'll be sure to work them into future chapters. Next chapter's outfit themes are "4th of July" "beach" "summer". You can tweet them at me: [@jeeaysee0925](https://twitter.com/jeeaysee0925)


	3. July 2020 - Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thesupremejedi pointed out that I should include the outfit inspo boards at the beginning of the chapter instead of the end so all of that stuff will be up here for anyone interested! Also, for visual people: I've included the inspiration for the beach house :)
> 
> [Kylo](https://imgur.com/a/qPYOrYD) | [Rey](https://imgur.com/a/y7aMvzQ) | [Han](https://imgur.com/a/jKAI3KP) | [Leia](https://imgur.com/a/k20YJbf) | [Organa-Solo Vacation House](https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/38-Two-Mile-Hollow-Rd-East-Hampton-NY-11937/32651179_zpid/)

_July 2020 – 10 months until the wedding_

_Friday July 3 rd, 2020 _

Kylo left the city early Friday morning, hoping to get plenty of quiet time at his parents’ beach house before all of the guests arrived. This would be his first time back to East Hampton in over ten years and he almost turned the car around three times before finally pulling into the driveway of the house. It wasn’t that Kylo was avoiding spending time with his parents – especially his mom.

  
Things had been going remarkably well between him and Leia. They hadn’t lost their tempers with each other in months. Now that things were less tense, she’d even taken to asking him about his personal life – not that Kylo exactly had anything to report there. It was a strange feeling to know that if he _did_ , he’d actually want to tell Leia.

The real reason for his reservations about coming had less to do with his parents than the fact that the house would be _crawling_ with people come Saturday. Han and Leia knew how to throw a party and anyone who was anyone would be stopping by for at least a drink or two. All of that meant that he’d have to face a lot of people he used to know – most of which had not cared for Ben Solo.

He pulled into the spot next to his dad’s two-toned 1978 Rolls Royce Silver Shadow – his father’s current pet project and turned off the engine with a groan. Looks like for now, it would be just him and Han. As soon as he opened the door of his car, Chewie – not the first St. Bernard of his parents with that name – jumped onto him in greeting. “Good boy,” Kylo cooed, scratching the massive beast behind his ears.

“Hey Ben,” Han greeted from a set of open french doors. He had a sandwich in one hand and a beer in the other.

“It’s Kylo,” the younger man corrected him for what felt like the millionth time.

“Right,” Han nodded in a way which made it clear he had _no_ intention of calling his son by his preferred name. “Come have a beer with your old man.”

Ben grabbed his suitcase from the backseat and followed his dad in through the breezeway. “Looks like you finally finished the Rolls Royce.”

“Yep,” Han said proudly as he handed his son a bottle from the fridge. “I wasn’t expecting you so early.”

Kylo raised an eyebrow. He’d told his mother he was coming today. “Hoping to get drunk before I got here?” One look from his father to know he’d hit the nail on the head. “Don’t worry, I didn’t come to bother you. I just have a lot of work to do and wanted to get it done while there’s peace and quiet here.”

Han looked relieved and Kylo tried not to be offended that his father clearly didn’t want to spend any real time together. “How is work going?”

“Work is work,” Kylo replied with a shrug, knowing that his father couldn’t care less about anything to do with designing clothes.

“You’re designing a dress for Rey, right? How is that going?” Han asked, and Kylo had to hand it to him for actually trying.

“Uh yeah, that’s why I came early. Hoping to work on it.” Kylo focused his attention on his beer hoping his dad wouldn’t notice how jittery just thinking about Rey made him.

“Nice gal, huh?” Han smirked and took a sip from his beer.

Kylo set his beer down and narrowed his eyes, “Wouldn’t know...”

“Uh-huh,” Han chuckled at his son and Kylo wondered how his dad could get into his head and under his skin so easily.

Instead of engaging the topic any further, he chose to ignore whatever his dad was implying. “Where am I sleeping? My old room?”

“Yep,” Han confirmed as Kylo grabbed his bag and headed for the second floor.

The room was almost the same as he remembered it, those his mother had gotten a new duvet at some point. He set his bag down and opened the door to his balcony to let some fresh air in. As he unpacked his bag, he tried not to focus on his conversation with Han. It was unnerving how quickly his father had seen right through him. Was he so pathetic that just the mention of Rey turned him into a mess?

He meticulously hung all of his clothes in the closet before deciding he’d have to be on guard when it came to Rey. He’d done a fairly good job of avoiding the topic with his mother, but if his absentee father could see his feelings, his mother no doubt would as well. As soon as he finished, he grabbed his sketchpad and headed downstairs.

“I’m going to the beach. I’ll take Chewie,” Kylo muttered, to no one in particular as he noticed Han passed out on the couch in the living room. Chewie trotted along after him.

*****  
  
Rey liked Leia, in an almost pathetic way, because she was the closest thing to a mother that Rey had ever had. She knew that the older woman didn’t feel the same way about her, but Rey would be a liar if she claimed not to be thrilled to spend time with her. It was honestly an honor to Rey that she would even be invited to the Organa-Solo vacation home.

It made her feel like part of a family.

Poe was working on a big case that Leia had left him in charge of, so he wouldn’t be coming up until Saturday, but Rey was able to take the day off and was thrilled to leave Friday afternoon with Leia. After receiving a text that Leia was waiting downstairs, Rey grabbed her bag, slid into her sandals and headed to the lobby.

Stepping out of the doors to the street, she was greeted with the image of Leia in the driver’s seat of a vintage pastel blue convertible. Rey squealed as she ran towards it and hopped into the passengers seat without opening the door. “This car is incredible!”

“25th anniversary gift from Han,” Leia smiled and lowered her sunglasses from her hair onto her face. “All set?”

Rey nodded and tossed her bag into the back seat. “I’ve never been to the Hamptons before.” She knew that Poe’s dad also had a house in the Hamptons, and Rose’s parents too. It was one of the many things that she’d only ever heard of on TV before falling into her privileged group of friends.

“You’ll love it, dear,” Leia smiled over at the young woman and patted her knee.

Rey smiled and dug her own sunglasses out of her purse. Driving through the city in a convertible wasn’t exactly comfortable, but she knew as soon as they reached got on the parkway, it would feel amazing. “Who else is coming this weekend?”

“Han and my son are already there,” Leia said. “And Poe will come tomorrow. I’m sure Rose will be at her folks’ place so they’ll stop by too. And then some other friends from the neighborhood will pop in throughout the weekend.”

Rey nodded, knowing that if someone were invited to ‘pop in’ at Leia Organa’s home, they were rich and powerful. Sometimes she just didn’t feel like she belonged, even if it was her life now. In less than a year, she’d be Rey Dameron, wife of Leia’s protege. She’d probably be buying a house in the Hamptons.

“Don’t worry, there will be alcohol,” Leia winked. “And I’ll make sure Ben keeps an eye out for you until Poe gets here.”

Rey nodded, “You don’t talk about Ben much.”

Leia was quiet and when Rey looked over at her she thought maybe she’d said the wrong thing but then Leia smiled softly. “We had a falling out years ago. Things are only starting to get better between us. This is the first weekend he’s come home in a long time.”

Rey was curious about what had caused the rift, but she knew it was none of her business to ask. She was sure it must have been painful for Leia. All Rey knew was that if Leia was her mom, there was no way she’d let anything get between them. “Is he nice?” she wondered about Ben. Maybe that was the issue – Ben was just cruel?

“He’s rough around the edges,” Leia admitted and then laughed at the face Rey made. “He’s like Han… a little bit gruff.”

Rey liked that about Han. He always spoke his mind and never took anything too seriously. He was an interesting choice of husband for Leia, who tended to be rather serious. “Is he a scoundrel too?” Rey teased, knowing that was what the older woman jokingly called her husband.

Leia laughed, “Not really. He’s a good mix between me and Han. Got my serious side and Han’s roguishness.”

“I can’t wait to meet him,” Rey said, not even able to picture what a child that was a mix of Han and Leia would be like.

*****  
  
Kylo stayed at the beach until his stomach started to growl. He’d had every intention of sitting down and trying to crank out a couple of sketch ideas but then Chewie had brought him a stick and he’d spent most of the time throwing it. In an odd way, he felt more relaxed than he had in a long time. Perhaps he should consider getting a dog.

“Come on, Chewie. Let’s go back to the house,” Kylo picked up the slobber-covered driftwood that the behemoth of a dog had brought him. The dog reluctantly followed him up the sand dune towards the house and Kylo rewarded him with a pat on the head. “We’ll go back and get you some water.”

As he crossed into the lawn and climbed towards the house, he noticed his mom’s convertible pull in and gave a wave. He noticed someone else in the car with her, unsurprised that his mother had found a travel companion. Leia Organa would probably shrivel up and die if she didn’t have someone to talk to for the two hour drive from the city.

Chewie seemed to notice the new arrivals at the same time and broke into full speed run before jumping on the unknown guest as soon as she got out of the car. The impact knocked her down onto her butt and Chewie began licking her face.

Ben jogged the rest of the way, “Chewie, no! We don’t jump on people!”

Leia was already pulling the dog off of the guest, “Oh, Rey. I’m so sorry!”

Rey? It couldn’t be… he stopped short, about fifteen feet from where, sure enough, Chewie was still licking the face of Rey Johnson. “It’s okay… he’s just excited, aren’t you?” She finally turned and noticed Kylo, staring dumbfounded at her and blinked. “Mr. Ren??”

Leia finally managed to pull Chewie off and was scolding him as she dragged him into the house. “Bad! I told Han he needed to do a better job training you!” She turned and called over her shoulder, “Oh Ben… be a dear and show Rey to her room.”

“Ben? You’re Ben?” Rey said, standing up and dusting herself off.

“Uh, yeah. Kind of...” Kylo said. He supposed he’d always be Ben to his parents. “I go by Kylo Ren,” he felt stupid having to explain it. He felt stupid standing here in front of Rey, like he was back to being an awkward teenager. “Let me get your bag.”

“Oh, no. I got it,” Rey said and hurried to get it out of the back seat.

“Right. Well, I can show you inside then,” Kylo offered.

“This is so weird,” Rey said, voicing his own thoughts. “I guess I should have known. If you were old friends with Poe, it makes sense you’d somehow be in the same circle as Leia and Han too...”

Kylo just nodded and held the door open for her. She almost brushed against him as he wheeled her bag inside. “This house is incredible,” she said, looking around in awe. “Is that part on the other end of the breezeway an addition to the house?”

Kylo nodded, “My mom’s parents used to own this house. When Leia and Han got married, they built the annex on.”

“And they’re connected through a hallway on the second floor? That’s really unique,” Rey sighed dreamily, her eyes darting around every corner of the house as Kylo led her to the stairs.

“You like design?” Kylo wondered out loud, taking her suitcase from her hand so that she didn’t need to carry it up the stairs. He tried not to blush as their fingers brushed against one another.

“Um,” Rey did blush. “Yeah, I’m actually an architect. And you really don’t have to carry that...”

“There’s a lot of stairs,” he said, easily hefting the bag like it was nothing. “What do you design?”

“Hmm?” Rey asked, distracted by something. The architecture, if Kylo had to guess. “Oh… um, I design homes.”

“I can show you around the house if you want. I mean, after you’re unpacked,” he added, not wanting to sound too eager to spend time with her. He was just being a good host, even if this technically wasn’t his house.

“Really?” she beamed, “That would be great!”

Kylo nodded and opened the door next to his own room. “Will this work?” It was the biggest room after his parents’ and his own. He tried to ignore the fact that the real reason he’d put her there was because it shared a balcony with his own room.

“It’s beautiful,” Rey gushed and it made Kylo feel warm and fuzzy.

“Um, okay. I’ll let you get settled in then. I’ll be downstairs when you’re ready.” He had to excuse himself before he made a fool of himself doing something stupid.

*****  
  
Kylo Ren shut the door behind him and Rey plopped down on the bed. She still couldn’t really wrap her head around the fact that Kylo Ren was the same person as Ben Solo. And that outside of work, he seemed actually kinda nice. Not that Kylo Ren wasn’t nice. He had promised to make her a more traditional dress, though she was unsure how exactly he knew she wasn’t in love with the first one.

But here he seemed kind of interested in her as a person, even asking about her job. He’d even carried her suitcase up the stairs like a gentleman. And wasn’t that a sight? The way his biceps rippled as he lifted her suitcase like it was a full of feathers! And he had fantasic arms, thick and muscular. She felt hot just thinking about that vein running along his forearm.

With a groan, she flopped onto her back on the bed. What on Earth was she thinking about? She could _not_ fantasize about him. It was all well and good when he’d just been Kylo Ren. She’d thought he was hot from the second she’d laid eyes on him. And it was harmless because it was like having a crush on some unattainable celebrity. To top it all off, he was kind of an ass to both her and Poe.

But _this_ , getting all hot and bothered by his freaking arms, was not acceptable! The reality was that he was Ben Solo, Leia’s son. Who actually seemed sort of… nice. She couldn’t think these dirty things, she wasn’t that type of girl. She had never been the type of girl to fantasize about boys and their arms and their thick wavy hair and their long legs and oh God, she had to stop. She’d never fantasized about Poe like that, which made her feel even worse about the entire thing.

Poe was allowed to feel attracted to other people and that’s why up until this point she hadn’t felt any remorse about finding Kylo Ren good enough to eat. But now that he was actually a nice human being and one that she would probably be spending a good deal of time around now that she knew the extent of his relationship within her social circle, it felt wrong. She’d be hurt if the roles were reversed and Poe was thirsting after someone the same way she was.

She exhaled a deep breath and unzipped her suitcase. Forget about him, she told herself. He can be your friend, and that’s all. She stood up and started shoving her clothes into the dresser. When it was all done, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and noticed huge grass stains all over her dress. “Shit...” she pulled it off quickly and wondered if she’d be able to get the stains out of the beige linen.

She opened her drawers and grabbed her overalls, throwing them on over the swimsuit she’d already been wearing. When she’d heard the house was on the beach, she’d planned on spending every possible minute in the water. She picked up her dress and left the room, noticing Leia in the hall. “Leia… can I throw this in the wash?”

“Don’t be silly,” Leia took the dress from her. “I’ll have it dry cleaned for you. In fact, I’ll make Han go right now since it was his silly dog. Come on downstairs.”

*****

When Rey came down wearing nothing but her bikini and a pair of denim overall shorts, Kylo thought his head would explode. The irony was not lost on him – he was around women swathed in Chanel and Givenchy on a daily basis and a cheap pair of $50 jean shorts nearly brought him to his knees. If anyone knew, his career would be ruined.

“Han, you need to bring Rey’s dress to the dry cleaners,” Leia complained, handing the garment over to him. “Chewie pounced her.”

Han laughed good naturedly, “You’ll have to drive me. Been drinking...”

Leia rolled her eyes, “We’ll be back in a little bit.”

“No problem,” Rey smiled. “Mr. Ren was going to show me around anyway.”

“Mr. Ren,” Han snorted and Leia smacked his arm.

“We’ll have dinner when we get back. Oh, and don’t go swimming at the beach. The surf is too high,” she advised as she dragged her husband out of the house.

Rey looked disappointed at that so Kylo offered, “We have a pool instead. Come on, I’ll show you after the tour.”

He led Rey around the property, growing more amused at how enthralled she was in every detail. If she wasn’t so cute, he’d be annoyed at her ten minute detour to examine the cedar shakes on the house. The tour continued after her pit stop, and it became clear to Kylo that Rey wasn’t as used to the extravagance that he’d grown up with – she wouldn’t stop commenting on the fact that they had an actual tennis court on the property. “It’s not a big deal...”

“It is!” she insisted. “Who _needs_ a tennis court?”

Kylo shrugged, “My mom uses it sometimes. And your beloved Dameron was on the team in high school. He’ll probably play when he gets here. He uses those stupid wristbands to wipe his sweat and everything.”

Rey laughed, “You’re not going to play with him?”

Kylo shook his head, “I’m not really the athletic type.” He didn’t miss the way Rey’s eyes wandered over his body in disbelief. “Okay, I’m not the team sports type. Just running or swimming...”

“Oh! Can you show me the pool?” Rey asked excitedly, already unhooking the buckles on her overalls.

Kylo’s eyes widened as he watched her stip down to her bikini then and there. If he weren’t so stunned at the sight of her in that all white swimsuit, he’d laugh. An upbringing of propriety taught him that one didn’t just shuck off their clothes wherever and the act of doing so, even if it was just a swimsuit, should be done in some modicum of privacy.

Leia would have knocked him upside the head if he’d stripped down on the lawn like that.

“Well?” she asked, having scooped up her overalls.

Kylo nodded, “Over here...” and led her around the other side of the house.

  
As soon as Rey saw the pool, she cannon balled into it with an excited squeal. He sat down in one of the lounge chairs and just watched as she surfaced, realizing he was in more trouble than he’d thought. It was one thing when she was just a pretty face and a nice pair of legs. He could tell himself she was just an object of lust. But no, she had to go an be charming too.

Maybe some people wouldn’t think so, but Kylo found her bewitching. She didn’t act like anyone else that he knew, didn’t seem like she was always trying to impress someone or be something that she wasn’t. She was just herself, and that was amazing to him. Lusting after her was one thing, but pining for her was something else.

“Aren’t you coming in?” Rey asked, doggy paddling to the side of the pool to look up at him with her doe eyes and water tousled hair.

Kylo swallowed and shook his head. Being alone in a pool with a slippery Rey in a tiny bikini was too dangerous. If it were anyone else, he’d go for it no problem. It had been years since a girl had turned down his advances, but something told him that Rey would probably beat the shit out of him if he tried. He didn’t want to risk the temptation by joining her. “I’ve got some work to do,” he told her. “But I’ll keep you company out here.”

He grabbed his sketchbook from where he’d dropped it to help pull Chewie off of Rey and sat back down in his lounge chair.

“Are you going to work the whole weekend?” Rey asked, floating on her back from one side of the pool to the other.  
  
“Would you like to walk down the aisle naked?” Kylo asked, raising an eyebrow at her playfully.

Rey laughed, “No, but Poe would probably like that.”

He didn’t particularly like the image of Poe ogling naked Rey. Especially since she’d let him do more than ogle. “That would cause quite a scandal in New York high society.” He glanced up from his sketchbook in time to see Rey make a face at that. “What? You do know you’re going to be a full-fledged member once you marry him, right?”

Rey swam back to the edge, gripping the side as she let her legs rise up behind her. “I guess I try not to think about it too much.”

Her response was a strange one to him, because why would she marry Poe if she wasn’t invested in becoming one of them? “You don’t want to become part of the 1%?”

“I’m not marrying Poe for money if that’s what you’re insinuating,” she snapped.

“I’m not,” Kylo said, biting back a smirk. “I just think it’s odd. Isn’t wealth what most people want?”

“I’m marrying him because we love each other. I’d still marry Poe even if he was dirt poor,” Rey convincingly told him.

“Could you imagine?” Kylo laughed. “Poe in jeans and a flannel shirt.”

“You’re one to talk!” Rey short back though she appeared to be amused by the thought as well. “The clothes you’re wearing now probably cost more than my entire wardrobe.”

Kylo shrugged, “With the exception of when you wore my mom’s clothes, I’d say you’re doing fine on your budget. You don’t need money to look good.”

Rey blushed and breezed over his compliment by adding, “You say that like you know. You’ve probably never worn clothes off the rack a day in your life.”

“Sure I have. I got started in this business buying and selling clothes off the rack,” Kylo told her. “I left high society because I didn’t like it and I made it just fine for years buying second hand, believe it or not.”

Rey pulled herself out of the pool and let the water drip off of her before taking a seat on the chair next to his, soaking the cushions. “And yet here you are again.”

Kylo had trouble tearing his eyes away from the droplets of water collecting in her belly button but he knew it would get awkward fast if he didn’t answer so he shrugged, “I’m here because I want to spend time with my parents. But you’re not going to find me at their parties or canoodling with senators. I don’t fit in and I never have.”

Rey sighed, “Poor privileged white boy.” She reclined in the lounge and put her arms behind her head.

Kylo rolled his eyes and set his sketchbook down. “Just because I came from privilege doesn’t mean I didn’t struggle to get where I am today. You’ll probably fit in just fine here since you’re as judgmental as the rest of them.”

“I’m not judgmental. I just don’t like to hear rich people complain when they’re lucky just to have food on the table,” Rey said. “Some kids aren’t so lucky.”

“You’re taking this a little too personally,” Kylo said. “I’m not trying to start a fight about who has it easier.”

“I am taking it personally,” Rey sat up and Kylo couldn’t believe she was becoming genuinely angry. “You’ve had everything handed to you on a silver platter and you’re whining about it. I grew up in the foster care system. I didn’t have family, a steady home or even food. I had _nothing_. And you have the gall to complain.”

“You don’t own the market on feeling bad, Rey,” Kylo felt himself getting worked up now. “I’m sorry you had a rough childhood. That sucks and no one deserves it, but it doesn’t make my feelings invalid. You didn’t have parents but I had ones that were never home and when they were, they were constantly disappointed in me because of my grades or because I wasn’t outgoing or because I didn’t share their ambitions. My own best friend decided I was too much of a loser to be seen with. I know what it feels like to feel alone and unwanted, Rey. Regardless of whether or not I had food on the table.” He took a breath and picked up his sketchbook. “Besides, aren’t you the one with concerns about getting involved in this world? You must understand what it feels like to just not belong here.”

Rey frowned and Kylo could tell she wanted to argue but she finally settled on. “You’re right. Your feelings are valid. Sorry. I didn’t think about it that way. It’s just hard to believe that someone as talented and good-looking as you doesn’t fit in.”  
  
Kylo cleared his throat, feeling awkward. He’d never had someone try to understand his feelings let alone actually validate them. “I’m sorry too. Your life has been harder than mine in a lot of ways.” He returned to his sketch and had to tilt the pad away when Rey leaned over to sneak a peek.

“Can I see?”

“You can see when I’m done.” He offered a smile, “Now go play in the pool.”

Rey gave him a salute and this time her dive into the pool was more elegant than her previous cannonball. Kylo’s heart was racing as he continued his drawing. How long had it been since someone had yelled at him like that? And then just like that she calmed down and conceded his point like she actually understood where he was coming from.

“What should I call you?” Rey asked as she started doggy paddling back and forth across the pool. “Mr. Ren feels too weird now. Kylo? Or do you go by Ben here?”

He smirked, “Kylo is fine.”

“We’re going to get started on dinner,” Leia said, announcing her return by approaching the pool. “Rey, dear… I have a towel for you.”

Rey nodded and climbed out of the pool and Kylo’s eyes were again drawn to her lithe form. That perverted part of his brain searched for any sign that maybe the white bathing suit was a little more transparent when wet. He continued staring until she’d wrapped the towel around herself.

“Help your father start the grill,” Leia told Kylo, nodding towards Han. When he looked at his dad, the older man was already studying him with a smirk.

“What?” Kylo muttered, walking towards the grill.

“Nothing,” Han shrugged.

“Then wipe that stupid grin off your face.” Kylo set his sketchbook down and lifted the top of the grill.

“Am I not allowed to be proud of my son?” Han asked.

“Proud for what?”

“I saw the way you were looking at Rey. You’re a Solo after all,” Han patted his son’s back.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kylo said, keeping his back towards his dad so he wouldn’t see how red his face was getting.

“It’s fine, you’re allowed to look,” Han reasoned. “Though I don’t suppose Poe would like it.”

“First of all, I wasn’t aware Poe owned her. And secondly, I wasn’t looking at her in any way other than a designer looking at a subject. I was working on sketching her dress.” He thought that was a good enough cover.

“I didn’t say Poe owned her, but you know they’re getting married. Just don’t try anything stupid, Ben. I mean it. It would break your mother’s heart,” Han told him. “And as for that designer crap, sure… keep telling yourself that.”

“What would you know about fashion, Tommy Bahama?” Kylo snorted. He started the burners on the grill and tried to stay calm. Of course, his father would be concerned about him disappointing his mother yet again. And that heart break would be on Poe’s behalf because Lord forbid their own son pursue his happiness.

Han, thankfully, took the bait and didn’t press the issue further. “Hey, I am not wearing any Tommy Bahama right now!”

“Right now… what about tomorrow?” Kylo smirked as Leia and Rey reappeared with a plate of steaks ready to be grilled.

“I make no promises,” Han grinned, taking the plate from his wife and plopping a steak onto the grill.

*****  
  
Dinner was had on the patio next to the pool, accompanied by a couple of bottles of wine, and with Rey’s company it was honestly one of the smoothest dinners he’d had with his parents. Ever.

After dinner, Leia had given Han dish washing duty and refilled the kids’ glasses of wine. “You two just relax.” She gave the top of Kylo’s head a kiss and whispered, “I’m glad you came, my boy...”

Once she was gone, he shook his head. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen her that drunk.”

“Aw, I thought it was sweet. You’re her little boy...” Rey teased.

Kylo rolled his eyes and snatched the bottle of wine from the table. “You haven’t seen the beach yet. Wanna go before sunset?”

Rey grinned and grabbed her wine glass. “Let’s go.” She followed behind Kylo, who was unaware of how much longer his strides were now that he had a little bit of wine in him. “You’re different than I thought,” Rey commented when she finally caught up with him.

“Different good or bad?” he asked, almost afraid of the answer.

“Definitely good. I thought you were really intimidating before,” she said and took a sip of wine while walking. They’d made it to the sand and they both paused to take off their sandals.

“And I’m not anymore?” Kylo asked, raising an eyebrow. Intimidating was his wheelhouse.

“Nope,” Rey giggled. “I can see your knees. And you’re barefoot. That automatically makes you not intimidating.”

“Did you think I would wear trousers and oxfords to the beach?” he asked sarcastically.

“Honestly?” Rey teased, grinning up at him with those damn dimples. If he was her lover, he’d wrap his arm around her and pull her against him for daring to smile at him like that.

Instead, he rolled his eyes. “Well it’s good to know you’re no longer afraid of offending me.”

They crested the sand dune in silence and once at the peak, Rey ran down to the beach, spilling her wine in the process. “Oops.”

Kylo laughed and pulled the cork from the bottle. “I don’t know if I should give you more or cut you off?”

“More, please,” she grinned again.

He obliged her and then sat down on the sand, digging a little hole to put the bottle in to keep it from tipping. By now, the sun was setting and the water took on streaks of orange.

“It’s so pretty. Do you think the surf will be lower tomorrow?” She brought her knees up and rested her chin on top.

“Probably,” Kylo told her, glancing out of the corner of his eye at her as he took another drink. They were silent as they enjoyed the last minutes of sunlight before Rey spoke up, “Do you have a girlfriend?”

He looked over at her and noticed for the first time that she’d been studying him, the side of her face resting against her knees now as she gave him her full attention. “Me? No.”

“Really?” she asked as she drained the rest of her glass. “Boyfriend then?” she guessed.

“No,” Kylo said, not offended by her question. If anything, he was amused. He was a man working in the fashion industry and it wasn’t the first time someone had been curious about his sexuality. He’d been asked in this roundabout way before and wasn’t going to give her the information she wanted so easily. He drained his glass and poured himself another, topping Rey’s glass off as well.

“Hmm, lovers then?” She asked carefully.

“Yes, I’ve had… lovers,” he gave her a smirk.

She groaned, “Just tell me already.”

“Tell you what?” he laughed in response.

“You know… are you into guys? Girls? Goats???”

“Goats?” He gave her a look. “Do I look like someone into goats?”

“I don’t know! I’ve got absolutely no gay-DAR. Throw me a bone here,” Rey returned his laugh.

“No, Rey. I’m not into goats.”

“Kylooooo,” she whined. “I’m being serious.”

She was so cute when she was being teased that he couldn’t help himself. “Are you asking if I’m gay?”

“You know I am,” she said, sounding both drunk and exasperated. Drunkenly exasperated.

“Do I seem gay to you?” He asked, curious what vibes he’d been sending her, especially since his interest in her was obvious even to Han.

“Well no.”

“Well then there you go,” Kylo said, dragging his eyes away from her.

“Ohhhh,” she said and when he glanced at her out of the corner of his eye again, she was smiling softly at him. “So...”

“So?” he turned back towards her.

“So why no girlfriend? I find it hard to believe no one is interested,” Rey admitted, still looking at him with those big doe eyes. He wondered if she’d be so candid if not for the wine.

“Maybe its because I’m intimidating,” he joked and she nudged him scoldingly with her shoulder for being cheeky.

“You tease too much. I’m trying to have a heart to heart here,” Rey said, slurring her words and gesturing with her hands in the over-the-top way only drunks do.

“Okay, okay,” he laughed, taking her hands and putting them in her lap. “No more wine for you.” He was silent as he thought for a minute, “It’s not that no one is interested, maybe. It’s that I’m not.”

“Oooh, spill,” Rey leaned towards him. “Why aren’t you interested?”

Kylo shrugged, “Because no one is interesting.”

“Really? No one?” she asked incredulously. “You must meet Hollywood girls all the time!”

He supposed for someone that had never met one of those girls, that might seem like a contradiction. But he’d met many of them and they were all the same. “I do,” Kylo agreed. But that didn’t change the fact that they were boring. “Jennifer Lawrence sent me nudes once.”

Rey’s face lit up, “No way! Did you… you know?” She waggled her eyebrows.

“No. We did not,” Kylo waggled his eyebrows back at her.

“Why not? She’s hot,” Rey pointed out.

“Not my type.”

“Oh, sorry. Hot’s not your type I guess,” Rey teased back in a mocking voice. They fell into a companionable silence before she asked, “Did you at least send nudes back?”

“No!” he answered, torn between amusement and indignation. “I don’t send nudes!”

She nodded and added casually, “Poe sends me nudes sometimes.”

“I don’t want to hear this,” Kylo groaned. Why was she telling him this? The last thing he wanted to think about was Poe Dameron’s junk.

“Wanna see?” she asked, pulling her phone out of her back pocket.

“I absolutely do not,” he deadpanned.

“Come on, it’s funny!” She giggled, unlocking her phone screen.

“I swear to God if you show me Poe’s penis, I will throw your phone in the ocean,” he threatened, trying to pull it out of her grasp. “Besides, you’re not supposed to think it’s funny.”

“Why not? Naked men are funny looking,” Rey giggled, pulling her phone away and putting it in her pocket.

“Are you 12?” he asked, shaking his head.

“No, but honestly, what girl likes getting dick pics?” Rey shot back and Kylo thought she had a point.

Unsolicited dick pics were not cool, even if they were from a partner. He wasn’t even surprised that Dameron would do something so lame. But he could see the excitement in sharing something like that with a partner if it were solicited. “Do you send nudes back?”

She blushed and even though she’d asked him the same question, he felt like maybe he was stepping over the line. He instantly regretted asking something that made her uncomfortable. He was opening his mouth to apologize when she answered, “No. Do you think I should?”

Kylo looked away and closed his eyes. He did _not_ want to be giving her relationship advice – not when she was engaged to the biggest douche bag in Manhattan. “I mean, I think he probably wants you to.”

“So then I should? You don’t think it’s weird?”

After taking a deep breath, he turned his attention back to her, “Rey, you’re a beautiful girl. He’s not going to think it’s weird. And unlike you, giggling is the last thing he’ll be doing with a naked picture of you, if you catch my drift.” He’d blame it on the alcohol later for how intensely he was looking at her as he told her that.

Rey swallowed. “Oh.”

Kylo looked away again and then stood up, grabbing his glass and the empty bottle. “We should head back before it gets too dark to see.” He reached down to help her up and tried to clear his head as she put her hand in his. He hoisted her onto her feet.

“Thanks. For the advice too,” Rey smiled and tucked her hair behind her ear.

“No problem. Just please don’t ever make me think about Dameron’s penis again.” He led them back up to the house and by the time they reached it, the lights had all been turned off downstairs. His parents must have gone to sleep and after confirming the time, it was already past 10:30.

“We should probably head to bed. Tomorrow is when it gets crazy, right?” Rey asked, making her way towards the stairs.

“Yeah, if you thought Leia was drunk tonight, you’re in for a surprise,” Kylo warned as he climbed the stairs behind Rey, trying his hardest not to enjoy the view _too_ much.

“I can’t wait to see,” she laughed, pausing at the landing until Kylo caught up. “See you in the morning?”

He nodded and opened the door to his room. “Goodnight, Rey.”

“Night, Kylo.”

*****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've upped the chapter count because I realized how ridiculous it would be to fit all of July into one chapter. (especially considering just July 3rd was three times as long as the previous chapters!) On the plus side, doing it this way will allow me to continue to update daily. Thanks! Next chapter should be up tomorrow!
> 
> And a bonus [thirst-board](https://imgur.com/a/Pvql9fz) based on Rey's fixation this chapter.
> 
> Thanks so much for the love and comments. See you all tomorrow!


	4. July 2020 - Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outfit Inspo Moodboards:  
> [Rey](https://imgur.com/a/qiRSCsE) | [Kylo](https://imgur.com/a/8ruOPz0) | [Organa-Solo Vacation House](https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/38-Two-Mile-Hollow-Rd-East-Hampton-NY-11937/32651179_zpid/?mmlb=g,7)

Saturday, July 4th, 2020 – 10 months before the wedding

Kylo woke up the next morning with a very mild hangover and decided that what he needed was a glass of water. He thought about throwing a shirt on, but he had every intention of just grabbing some water and then jumping straight into the shower.

He was surprised to find Rey already in the kitchen, sitting at the island counter with a bowl of cereal in front of her. “Morning,” she said, turning to him and pausing with her spoon halfway to her mouth. She seemed to catch herself staring after a minute and turned back to her breakfast with a blush.

Kylo had to bite back a smile and also a manly puff of pride that he’d caught her openly staring at him. There was something satisfying about knowing that he seemed to have the same affect on her that she had on him. If he was being a gentleman, he’d excuse himself and put a shirt on. But Kylo Ren never claimed to be a gentlemen so he took a seat next to her. “Morning.”

“Um, we have cereal, cereal or cereal for breakfast,” she joked, gesturing to the boxes on the counter while

“I think I’ll have cereal,” Kylo smirked, purposely reaching for the furthest box so that he’d have to lean his bare chest against her arm.

“Um, you need a bowl,” Rey squeaked, jumping off her stool. “Let me get you a bowl. And a spoon.”

He did his best to hide his amusement as she busied herself searching the cupboards. It was a good excuse to watch her without her knowledge. She was wearing white again, and it was quickly becoming his favorite color. Her skin, which he couldn’t take his eyes off of, seemed to almost glow against the hue and he had to suppress a groan when she reached into a cupboard and her shirt lifted in the process, exposing a few tantalizing freckles along the small of her back.

Before she turned around, he refocused his attention on the box of cereal he’d grabbed. He’d caught her staring, sure, but he wasn’t sure she’d be so flattered if their roles were reversed. The last thing he wanted was for her to tell Poe and cause a scene at his parents’ house.

Once she found what she was looking for, she returned to the island and placed the bowl in front of him. It felt oddly domestic when she gave him a shy smile and scooted back into her seat. “Oh, your mom said the surf is low enough to go swimming. I think I’m going to head down to the beach when I’m done. Do you wanna come?”

Kylo nodded as he poured some cereal into his bowl, feeling a little awkward. How long had it been since someone invited him to do something like this? Sure, he’d gone to events or parties but he couldn’t remember any situation, at least recently, where someone had genuinely wanted his company. “Sounds good.”

“I heard that the tide washes seashells in at night. I wonder if there are any out there,” Rey wondered out loud.

“Is this your first time in the Hamptons?” Kylo asked around a mouthful of cereal.

“My first time being at the beach, actually,” Rey said with a shrug of her shoulders.

“What? Seriously?” Kylo couldn’t imagine living to adulthood and never going to the beach.

“Foster kid, remember? I didn’t exactly do the whole family vacation thing,” she pointed out and Kylo had to hand it to her for not sounding at all bitter.

“Right. Sorry,” Kylo said. He didn’t want to linger on a subject that might make her feel bad so he asked, “What about Poe? He’s never taken you anywhere?”

Rey rolled her eyes, “Poe doesn’t take time off work. He’s trying to make partner by 30.” Kylo didn’t miss the bitterness there as she used her spoon to chase around a few soggy cheerios in the bowl.

“So no big honeymoon plans then?” Kylo asked, watching her from the corner of his eye.

She shrugged, “I mean, we’ll go on one eventually, but we haven’t talked about it or anything.”

Kylo scoffed and shook his head. “You know my mom is his boss, right? She’d give him time off if he asked. Especially since she seems to love you.”

“She doesn’t. She didn’t even tell me you were her son,” Rey pointed out before rounding on him. “Which you never did either!” She pointed her spoon at him accusingly.

“I didn’t know you didn’t know,” Kylo shrugged. “I figured Poe had at least told you. He is your fiance, right?” He was surprised to find that he was seizing any and every opportunity to cause a rift between Poe and Rey. The guilt only began to kick in when she was silent, now stabbing her soggy cheerios with the blunt tip of her spoon. Hurting Rey hadn’t been his intention. All he’d wanted was for her to see what a jerk her fiance was. “Look, I’m not surprised nobody told you about me.” He added with a shrug, “I’m the black sheep.”

She gave him a look, “Your mom loves you, Kylo.”

“Yeah, because she’s my mom. But that doesn’t mean she isn’t ashamed of me or embarrassed to have me as a son,” he argued. “She’d much rather have Poe as a son.”

“Kylo…” Rey turned to him and gave him a pitying look.

“It’s fine,” he said, not wanting to talk about it anymore. “I’ll go get dressed and then we can head down. We should go soon if you want to look for seashells.” With that, he got up and carried his bowl to the dishwasher.

*****

Once Kylo left, Rey rinsed out her bowl and put it in the dishwasher. She had a niggling of guilt in her stomach, though she knew it was silly. Kylo probably didn’t want her pity even if she’d known the right words to say.

She knew she should have told him that it all wasn’t true. He had a mother who loved his the one thing she’d wish for since she was a child. His doubt should have made her angry. Look how he grew up, for God’s sake.

Yet, it didn’t sit right with her how Leia hadn’t once bothered to mention that her son was Kylo Ren. Leia knew Rey had met him before but the entire car ride, she’d pretended that they were perfect strangers. It almost made her angry at the woman when she thought about how she’d complained to her about how rude Kylo Ren was on that first meeting.

Kylo was right about another thing, too. Poe hadn’t ever told her either. In fact, not once did he mention that the man designing her wedding gown was the freaking son of his boss. The worst part of it all was that Poe wouldn’t even give her a clear answer on how he knew Kylo Ren. 

Kylo had been the one to tell her. And wasn’t that a story? She sighed as she climbed the stairs to her room. He’d said that Poe had ditched him and she didn’t want to believe it, but maybe there was some truth to it. She didn’t know what to believe. She had to trust Poe because she was marrying him. She’d known him longer than she’d known Kylo.

She pulled a clean bathing suit out of the drawer and changed into it quickly before moving on to deciding what to wear. Rey was the kinda girl who got dressed in the morning by reaching blindly into the drawer and putting on whatever. She bought her clothes based on the idea that all her shirts matched with all her pants, just so she never had to worry about what to wear. And now here she was, thinking too hard about it. She wanted to look good… because Poe was coming today. Right, she wanted to look good for her fiance.

Refusing to delve too deep in that psychological hole, she grabbed a yellow sundress with a tie keyhole. It looked good over the swimsuit, she decided. Sexy in modest way.

By the time she made it downstairs, Kylo was waiting for her in just a pair of black swim trunks and she had to fight to not stare. It wasn’t fair to be that tall and broad. “Ready to go?”

Kylo nodded and handed her a beach towel. 

*****

“Look at this one,” Rey held her hand out excitedly to Kylo. 

He smiled at her and put down his book. They’d been at the beach for a couple of hours and he’d spent most of it amused by Rey’s wonder. She couldn’t seem to decide whether or not she wanted to collect shells or swim.

He was still trying not to think about how she’d looked as she’d stripped down to her bikini. If there was a single moment in his life that restraint, it was that one. He’d thought she looked amazing in yesterday’s white suit, it made her skin look like silk.

But in her black suit, she was a seductress. In that moment, he’d wanted to drop down onto his knees and worship her. She was an absolute goddess. Even know, as he took the little pink shell from her outstretched hand, he’d had to fight the temptation to touch her.

It would be so easy to just pull her down onto his lap. From there, he could just push that little bit of fabric covering her breast to the side and roll her nipple between his fingers. Instead, he smiled up at her and handed it back, “A moon shell...”

“Do you know everything?” she laughed, adding the shell to a pile she’d started next to her beach towel.

“Me and my mom used to do this when I little.” He did have some fond memories of his childhood.

“I’m going to walk down the beach and try to look for more, you wanna come?” 

“Sure.” He set his book down and stood up, letting her lead him down the beach. She stopped along the way, toeing at the sand to dig up shells. “The tide is lowering again,” he walked out into the water until he was shin deep and motioned her over. “We should look in the water here.”

Rey joined him and hunched over to look into the water. Her face lit up as she reached into the water and pulled out on to show him. “A whelk, right?” she said excitedly.

“Yep,” he pulled another one from the water and put it in her hand.

“That’s a good one,” she grinned.

“Rey!” a voice called from down the beach.

She looked up and her face lit up, “Poe!” She waved as he jogged over to them.

“Hey,” he said, and leaned away when Rey leaned in for a hug. “What are you doing?” he laughed. “You’re going to get me all wet.”

Kylo openly glared at him as Rey backed away. “We’re at the beach.” What right did he have to make Rey feel stupid for wanting to give him attention?

“Yeah, but this is a new shirt,” Poe said. He ruffled Rey’s hair, “I’ll give you a hug after you go dry off.”

“It’s Vineyard fucking Vines,” Kylo ground out, irritated that the other man was worried about a ridiculous looking shirt with fish on it. What was wrong with a man that would deny a goddess a hug?

Rey nudged Kylo’s shoulder, “Quite being such a snob. I’m gonna grab my towel. You two behave.”

“So what? You and Rey are like friends now?” Poe asked, sizing the other man up.

“Is that a problem?” Kylo asked, choosing not to even return the other man’s appraisal. If Poe was threatened by him, great. He’d give Poe reason to feel threatened. “I like her.”

Rey jogged back and this time, Poe let her hug him. He gave Kylo a smirk before kissing her forehead. “We’re getting ready to start the party up at the house. We should head back and get dressed.”

She nodded, “You coming, Kylo?”

He shook his head. The last thing he wanted was to spend time with Poe Dameron, even less so if Rey was going to be hanging off his arm the whole time. “I’m going to stay here and finish up my book.”

“Okay. I’ll see you back up at the house,” Rey said with a wave as Poe took her hand.

*****

“That was… weird,” Poe laughed as he led his fiancee back to the house.

“What was?” 

“You and Ben just hanging out like that,” Poe said. “I don’t know if I like it.”

She rolled her eyes, “Oh come on. He’s actually very nice. And oddly funny.”

“He’s funny?” Poe had trouble believing that. He’d known Ben Solo for years and funny was not how anyone would describe him. Maybe once upon a time. But in his teens, Ben had become angry and withdrawn.

“He is,” Rey laughed. “In a sarcastic way.”

He stopped and frowned at his future wife. “I know Ben. Kylo… whatever he goes by. He’s not a nice guy. I don’t think it’s a good idea to get too hang around with him.”

“Why not? I think I’m a pretty good judge of character,” Rey said.

“The guy is unhinged.” He was trying to look out for her. As teenagers, Ben had been prone to snap at him, to go off the rails. And Poe didn’t think he’d changed… in fact he got the distinct impression that he was up to something by befriending Rey. There was something disturbing about the way the other man had declared he liked Rey.

“He’s not unhinged,” Rey defended.

Poe stopped her, “Rey, darling, look at me. I know Ben Solo. He’s not an okay guy. He--”

“He what? You know what he told me? That you ditched him back then. Because he was different than you and Rose,” Rey said, crossing her arms.

“So you just believe everything he tells you?” Poe asked, looking around to make sure no one was listening in. “You’ve known him for like 3 days.”

Rey glared at him, “He’s the only one that tells me anything! You wrote him off as an old friend, with no back story, and conveniently left out that he’s Leia’s son. What am I supposed to think, Poe?”

He wasn’t sure why he’d never told Rey everything. He wasn’t friends with Ben anymore, hadn’t even really thought about him much since he’d graduated. Not until he’d mysteriously come back into Leia’s life a year ago, which he was suspicious of anyway. “It sounds bad when you say it like that,” Poe said, running a hand through his hair. “I didn’t intentionally keep anything from you. I just didn’t think it was a big deal. And I didn’t think you’d end up friendly with the guy.”

Rey sighed, “I just wish you’d told me. I mean, he said you ditched him in high school. To date Rose. Another thing you never told me.”

It seemed Ben Solo… Kylo Ren had told Rey just about everything to make him look bad. “Come on, that was in high school. Holding hands and stuff. It wasn’t anything,” he laughed.

“Well, I figured, but still,” she sighed. “No more secrets, ok?”

“Of course, darling,” Poe smiled and kissed her nose. If he was being fair to himself, he’d admit that Rey was letting himself off too easily. But he wasn’t going to point that out to her. “Go get dressed.”

*****

Kylo headed back to the house when the noise from the party reached the beach. He hadn’t eaten since breakfast but as he made his way through the Fourth of July gathering, decided that he didn’t really want to stick around to eat. 

He’d been enough to these parties growing up to know what he’d be in store for. Between the drunks, the uptight socialites and the society climbers, the festivities held no interest. He’d learned years ago that he’d have much more fun alone in his room. 

On his way upstairs, he grabbed a bottle of booze from the wet bar. He twisted the cap off as he entered his room and closed the door behind him. The book he was reading had been a good distraction from thinking about Dameron and his stupid smug face. Unreasonable was the only word that could describe how annoyed he became whenever he thought about how the other man had refused to give Rey a hug.

As someone who had tens of thousands of dollars worth of clothes in his closet and he would let Rey ruin every single item for one bikini-clad hug. Poe Dameron was a bigger moron than Kylo had ever imagined.

Just thinking of Rey made him feel a strange longing. He’d been enjoying her company this weekend and maybe he was the moron for thinking it would last. He took another deep swig from the bottle of liquor and crossed the room to open the doors to his balcony.

As he leaned out to look at the party, it wasn’t hard to spot her. Of course, she was wearing white again – a ruffly little dress that made her legs look six feet long. She was hanging off of Poe’s arm and nursing a wine as she looked around like she’d rather be anywhere else. He smirked and squashed down the urge to call out to her. She’d be more than welcome up here with him.

The fact of the matter was that even if he were to call out to her, she wouldn’t race to join him. As much fun as they’d have in the past 24 hours, she wasn’t his. That privilege belonged to someone else. He wished that he’d met Rey first – they’d be enjoying each other’s company in privacy while the party continued downstairs.

Instead, she was with someone else, having what looked like a miserable time.

The best thing to do was just forget about her. He’d had a fun weekend with a nice girl, end of story. Wanting something to happen wasn’t going to make it happen. For the sake of his mental health, he needed to get over it and start viewing her as a client.

An incredibly charming, funny, cute, perfect client. Easy enough.

He’d finish the sketches tonight, show them to her tomorrow and then spend the next few months plugging away at it until he absolutely needed her presence to finish the dress. He grabbed his sketchpad and the bottle of booze and took a seat in a chair on the balcony.

When he ran out of sunlight, he set the pad aside, satisfied with where he’d left off anyway. He knew the fireworks would start soon and that was his favorite part of the entire weekend. The balcony had the best view, something he’d learned from experience, so he put his feet up and got ready for the show.

His routine of getting comfy was interrupted as the doors connecting his balcony to Rey’s room swung open. “Kylo! There you are!” A very drunk Rey stumbled out. “Oooh, look we’re balcony buddies.”

God, she was charming even when she was wasted. “We are,” he agreed, cocking and amused eyebrow as she stumbled over and plopped into the chair next to him. “Where’s Dameron?”

“Ugh, you were right about tennis. He’s been playing for like an hour and a half. What a boring sport,” Rey sighed, slouching in the chair so her dress slid up in a way that would have been embarrassingly obscene to her if she weren’t drunk. Lucky for Kylo, she was. She was so drunk, she didn’t even notice him hungrily eyeing her bare thighs. “What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hiding from the party and getting ready for the fireworks,” he explained just in time for the first boom to explode, followed by sparks.

“Wow!” Rey stumbled out of her seat and rushed to the balcony railing. “Right over the ocean! This is like a movie,” she gushed.

Kylo laughed and joined her at the railing, “It’s pretty, isn’t it?”

She nodded, “Poe is stupid for missing this to play stupid tennis.”

“He’s definitely stupid,” he agreed, leaning against the railing so their arms were pressed together.

She didn’t reply, too mesmerized by the fireworks to pay attention. He couldn’t help but watch her, she was prettier anyway, especially when the finale started and her lips just parted in awe. Kylo could only think about how Poe was really stupid for missing this.

After the fireworks faded, cheers and applause filled the lawn and Rey stumbled as she raised her arms to join the revelry. Kylo was quick to catch her as she fell backwards, having never taken his eyes off her, and time seemed to freeze as she looked up at him with startled eyes.

He wouldn’t be able to say who leaned in first, all he knew was that when their lips met, he swore more fireworks went off. His hands, which had been cradling her back, pulled her in closer as her arms wound around his neck.

One of them made a sound, something between a gasp and a moan, and then their tongues were tangling against one another. She tasted like champagne and he was sure it was him moaning that time.

“Rey?” Poe's voice called from inside the room he shared with Rey

The pair jumped apart, Rey looking at him in shock. “Out here,” she called weakly and Kylo noticed her hands were shaking as she straightened out her dress. She looked terrified, so Kylo darted into his bedroom and closed the door quietly, trying to catch his breath.

He wasn’t ashamed of Poe, or anyone else, knowing about what had just happened. He’d shout it from the rooftop proudly. But it was the look of horror on Rey’s face that had made him hide. He wanted her more than ever now that he’d had a taste, but that didn’t supersede his desire to protect her. 

He’d be her dirty secret even if that’s all he could be.


	5. July 2020 - Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No outfit board this time because it wasn't really as central to the plot this chapter. 
> 
> But use [this](https://imgur.com/a/8yb6sZW) as inspo if needed.

_July 5 th, 2020 – 10 Months Before the Wedding_

Rey was ignoring him, Kylo was sure of that. She hadn’t spared him a glance the entire morning. It went even further than that – she was actively avoiding even looking at him as Leia put pancakes on all of their plates.

It was obvious to everyone at the table that she was in a bad mood, but at least Kylo could rest assured that her mood wasn’t entirely his fault. He’d overheard Rey and Poe arguing that morning about how Rey couldn’t go to breakfast in her pajamas. Kylo was torn between being mad on Rey’s behalf and amused at the thought of Poe’s reaction to what Rey had worn to breakfast the previous day.

“What are you two up to today?” Leia asked the engaged couple, trying to ease the palpable tension.

“Rose and Finn are coming today,” Poe spoke up. “I figured I’d teach Rey how to play doubles.”

Kylo risked a peek at Rey from over his coffee cup and snorted when he noticed her scowl. She looked over at him and a smirk tugged at the corner of her lips before she remembered she was supposed to be ignoring him.

“That sounds like fun. What about you, Ben?” Leia turned to her son.

“I think I’m just going to pack and head back to the city.” Spending time around Poe made him miserable enough, he certainly didn’t want to see Rose too.

“So soon? You still have a few hours to enjoy the weather. Why don’t you go down to the beach?” Leia suggested as she began clearing breakfast from the table.

“I should get back. I have a lot of work to do,” Kylo stood from the table and took the stack of dishes from his mom. He glanced at Rey and didn’t miss the look of disappointment on her face. There was a swell of something in his chest at the thought of Rey missing him so he turned away and carried the dishes to the sink to distract himself from it.

“Designing frou-frou dresses can’t wait, Leia,” Han teased his son and Kylo clenched his fists when he heard Poe chuckle.

“We can’t all be unemployed drunks,” Kylo shot back as he aggressively jammed a plate into the dishwasher. Han Solo had made a living doing nothing important with his life except marrying someone who had. It was one thing to think that fashion design was stupid, but Kylo had built himself from the ground up. Success hadn’t been handed to him, he worked for it. Han Solo wouldn’t know success if it bit him in the ass.

Han stood up, “Watch it.”

“How about we just calm down?” The suggestion came from Leia, who crossed the kitchen to put a soothing hand on Kylo’s arm.

He shrugged the hand off of his arm. “Forget it.” The noise as he slammed the dishwasher closed echoed in the kitchen. He’d definitely broke some dishes, but he didn’t care. Nothing he did was ever good enough for his parents. Apparently his career was a joke to Han.

“I told you he’s a psycho,” he heard Poe mutter to Rey as he stormed out of the room and it took every ounce of willpower he had to keep himself from turning around and punching the asshole. That would just prove his point, anyway.

Once he got to his room, he jumped into the shower, hoping that the hot water would help him calm him down. How long had it been since he’d felt so angry and humilated? He didn’t expect his dad to know anything about fashion, but Kylo couldn’t understand why his dad couldn’t just be proud of him. He wasn’t as smart as Poe and he certainly didn’t care about cars like Han. That wasn’t a _fault_ though. Kylo was happy. The fact that he’d found something he enjoyed doing and felt passionate about was inconsequential. The problem was that it didn’t jive with Han’s sense of machismo. He would never be good enough for his father.

And if that realization wasn’t enough, Poe just had to get a dig in, had to let Rey know how psycho he was because it fit his narrative. But Kylo was tired of it all.

Having emotions didn’t make someone psychotic. Bottling pain up and pretending everything was perfect was the very definition of psychotic. Withholding information and controlling your fiance was psychotic. Ditching the one friend who stuck by your side for a _girl_ was psychotic. If anyone in that damn room was psychotic, it was Poe.

Kylo tried _so hard._ When he was younger, he’d tried fitting in. He tried being normal and keeping his thoughts and feelings under lock and key but that just wasn’t him and it never would be. For his parents, for Poe, getting angry wasn’t dignified. Fuck dignity! Kylo was a goddamn human and he’d been insulted by his own father and then called psycho for being upset.

When he said forget it, he meant it. Forget this house and these people. Why should he have to feel like this when he’d done nothing wrong?

He turned off the water and got out of the shower, wrapping a towel around his waist. What he really needed was to get the hell out of this house. He stepped into his room, still wearing the towel as he grabbed his suitcase and opened it.

“Hey. Oh--” Kylo turned around and stared wide eyed at Rey in the doorway. Time seemed to freeze as they stared at one another before Rey started to back away, her face red at the sight of him in only a towel. “Oh gosh, sorry. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.” She avoided eye contact as she backed into the hallway. “The door was open.”

“Wait,” he reached out and grabbed her arm, frowning when she pulled it back as if she’d been burned. Right, she probably thought he was a psycho. Clenching his jaw, he looked away and crossed his arms. He should have known she was too good to be true. Whatever he saw in her this weekend was a fantasy. With more brainwashing from Poe, she’d fit in just fine in this world. “I’m fine.”

“Okay, then,” she said quietly and shuffled her feet, hugging her arms to herself. She was a picture of unease standing there like that. He glanced over at her, wondering why she was still here. “Um, you heard what Poe said?” It was a statement more than a question.

“He wasn’t exactly quiet about it,” Kylo ground out.

She nodded, shuffling her feet as she tried to look anywhere but at him. “I don’t think you’re psycho.”

“Yet you’re standing 20 feet away from me, afraid to make eye contact.” He couldn’t help but point out the irony there.

“Not because I think you’re psycho,” Rey said, finally looking up at him. “I just… think its best if we keep some distance between us.”

“Right. Wouldn’t want Poe getting mad at you for getting too close to the psycho.” He didn’t need her pity or her half-hearted concern.

“Would you stop that?” Rey said, raising her voice in frustration. “It’s got nothing to do with what happened in the kitchen! It’s because of last night!”

“Oh,” Kylo said stupidly. She wasn’t afraid of upsetting Poe or worried that he’d attack her. She was afraid they’d kiss again.

She cleared her throat, “Right. I didn’t want to actually talk about that, but not that it’s out there I guess we should.” When she looked at him, it was clear she was flustered that they were having this conversation while he was wearing only a towel. He wondered what she was thinking about when she looked at him, if her thoughts were as filthy as his were sometimes. “It can’t happen again.”

He blinked, his trail of thought coming to an end. “Of course.”

“It was a mistake. I’d had a lot to drink and it just happened.”

“It just happened? Do you kiss men every time you have a little bit to drink?” Kylo asked, raising an eyebrow. It happened because there was attraction – a connection between the two.

“Kylo, don’t make this weird.” Her voice was pleading and she turned her face towards the ceiling like she was trying not to cry.

“I’m not making it weird.” Kylo stepped closer to her, slowly so that she wouldn’t realize he was advancing until he was right in front of her. “I’m just asking you to acknowledge that it happened because you’re attracted to me.”

“Why does it matter?” she asked, looking at him with a pained expression. “Of course I am, look at you!” She gestured with an almost hysterical laugh. She took a deep breath to calm herself, “But I have a fiance. I’m getting married to Poe.”

It was like a punch in the gut, but maybe he needed it. She was right that it didn’t matter if there was attraction there. She would be marrying Poe next Spring and one kiss wasn’t going to change that. “Does he know you’re up here?”

“Yes,” Rey told him. “I told him he was being a jerk and that I was going to go make sure you were okay since no one else seemed to be concerned.”

Kylo gave a her a boyish smirk, “You were concerned?”

She rolled her eyes, “Yes I was concerned. Friends care about each other and worry about each other, Kylo.”

“Right. Friends.”

“Yes, friends,” she confirmed. “Because that’s what we are. That’s _all_ we are, okay?”

“If that’s what you want,” Kylo agreed. She may have been able to fool herself into thinking their kiss was just a drunken oops, but not him.

“It is,” she nodded in confirmation. “So let’s just put it behind us like it never happened.”

Kylo didn’t think he could do that and he sure as hell didn’t want to put it behind them. He wanted to kiss her again. But, she’d basically given him an ultimatum – forget it and be friends or not have her in his life at all. Kylo wasn’t sure which option would be the most painful, but he supposed he was a glutton for punishment. “It never happened,” he agreed.

“Good,” she nodded. “Are you heading back then?”

“Yeah, I’ve got work to catch up on,” he lied. Really, he just wanted to get the hell out of this house. “I’ve got most of the sketches done for your dress so maybe we can get together next week and go over them.”

“Ah, yeah sure. I’ll see when Poe is free,” Rey nodded and Kylo wanted to argue. She didn’t need Poe there influencing her decision like he had the first time. But clearly Rey felt she did need him there. She didn’t want to be alone with Kylo Ren.

That was his only consolation in this whole situation. Not only had she admitted that she was attracted to him, but she was afraid of what would might happen if they were alone together. Rey didn’t trust herself around him. “Okay. Let me know,” he nodded, deciding to just take his consolation prize for now.

“Drive safe, okay?” she said before giving an awkward wave and leaving the room.

*****  
  
Rey couldn’t breathe. Was this a panic attack? she wondered as she leaned against the wall in the hallway. She hadn’t planned on talking about what had happened on the balcony the previous night. She’d been hoping that they would just never talk about it.

Not only had they talked about it, but he’d somehow gotten her to admit that she was attracted to him. Did he realize how cruel that was? It was easier for her when she told herself it was a drunken mistake. She didn’t want to confront the fact that she was attracted to another man. She’d tried to play it off like it was just a physical attraction, but she knew that wasn’t true.

She’d been able to acknowledge she was physically attracted to him from the second she laid eyes on her. Rey had never been the one to have a type, but the second she saw him, she knew her type was ‘Kylo Ren’. No, if it was just physical attraction, she never would have kissed him last night.

The truth was that her attraction was deeper than that. She really liked Kylo. He was funny and passionate and charming as hell. He wasn’t just her type physically. Kylo Ren was her type, through and through.

She hated herself for that. She was an awful, horrible woman. Poe was her fiance and she was supposed to be feeling these things about him, not some dark, brooding man she’d only just met.

Wasn’t there such a thing as cold feet? Yeah, she was pretty sure she’d read that somewhere or saw it in a movie. She was just nervous about getting married and that anxiety was manifesting by fooling her into thinking that Poe wasn’t really her type.

She’d been so happy when he proposed and now she just felt… scared. Panicked. That must be what cold feet meant because she knew deep down that Poe made her feel safe and happy.

“Rey?”

She whipped around at Poe’s voice and swore her heart was in her throat. He laughed at her, “Did I scare you?”

“Yes,” she held a hand to her chest, trying to calm down.

He wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head in apology. “Sorry… just came to get you because Rose and Finn are here,” he kept one arm around her shoulder as he led her downstairs.

“Rey!” Finn called excitedly and she leapt out of Poe’s grasp to run at her best friend. They did their secret handshake/hip bump, mostly because it annoyed Rose and Poe.

“Can you believe this house?” Rey gushed. Finn was an interior designer and she knew that he would share her awe of the vacation home.

“I thought the Tico house was ridiculous,” Finn laughed, casting one last look around the living space as Poe led the group outside.

“You guys up for a game of tennis?” Poe grinned, throwing an arm around Rose.

“Ugh, no!” Rose rolled her eyes. “I didn’t come here to get all sweaty and gross. You guys should play.”

“Aww come on, I was hoping we could play doubles. Guys versus girls,” Poe whined. Rey didn’t think he was taking Rose’s refusal to play very seriously as he continued his way across the lawn towards the tennis court.

“No way. Even if I wanted to play, Finn would be on my team.”

“That’s right, babe,” Finn grinned and put an arm around his wife.

“I don’t want Rey on my team,” Poe argued with a groan. “I want to win.”

Rey frowned and stuck her tongue out at her fiance. She’d be insulted, but he was probably right. She didn’t even know how to play tennis.

“I heard you met Ben,” Rose laughed and changed the subject but Rey didn’t like how the question sounded like some kind of inside joke.

“Yeah, he’s cool,” Rey acknowledged. If she’d been waiting for Rey to say something bad about Kylo, it wasn’t going to happen.

“Ben Solo? Cool?” Rose raised an eyebrow and shared a look with Poe. So they’d been talking shit about Kylo behind her back. Unsurprising.

“Mmhmm. Funny guy… he told me this really interesting story about how you and Poe used to date,” Rey smirked, crossing her arms over her chest as both Finn and Rose made choking noises.

“Hey, I thought we were done talking about water under the bridge,” Poe scolded lightly. “Let’s play some tennis, shall we?” The suggestion was followed by Poe pulling a pair of wrist warmers out of his pocket and pulling them on.

Rey snickered. Kylo was right. Poe _did_ wear dorky wrist bands. He even had on a white sweater vest over a polo shirt. She could almost hear the mocking tone to Kylo’s voice and felt a pang of disappointment that he wasn’t there. His humor would have been more fun than a game of tennis.

With one last glance back at the house, Rey followed her friends onto the tennis court.

*****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [thesupremejedi](https://twitter.com/thesupremejedi) made me an amazing [moodboard](https://imgur.com/a/k71sotc). She's super talented and so funny so follow her if you aren't already!  
> and  
> [Rey Skywalker-Solo](https://twitter.com/ReySkyWSolo) made me some lovely [fanart](https://imgur.com/a/hnoEnq9). Check out her awesome stuff and send her some love!
> 
> I'm fairly new to the fandom and have never had someone make me anything like this before so thank you so much! And thanks again for all the kudos and kind comments!
> 
> [help](https://www.pinterest.com/gwendy0925/wedding-dress-ideas/)


	6. August 2020 - Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Kylo](https://imgur.com/a/r93m1K5) | [Rey](https://imgur.com/a/NNR1D0J) | [Rose](https://imgur.com/a/h6KfQgo) | [Phasma](https://imgur.com/a/rLTDDcm) | [Rey's Wedding Dress](https://imgur.com/a/r87U9cE)

_August 2020 – 9 months before the wedding_

As it turned out, the next time that Rey and Kylo’s schedules met up was the following month. Of course, Kylo could have made time but Rey was a hard woman to get a hold of. He’d tried reaching out, but it wasn’t until he’d handed the task off to Phasma that Rey had decided on plans.

Normally, he’d be offended, but he was still holding on to the fact that he was being avoided because Rey was attracted to him. The issue wasn’t that she didn’t like him. It was that she liked him too much.

How long had it been since someone truly liked him the way she did? Kylo wondered if anyone ever had. Sure, he’d had women attracted to him because he was rich or famous. He’d even had women come onto him because they’d found him physically attractive. But had he ever had a woman who seemed to like him even more once she actually got to know him? He’d had a month without Rey to ruminate on that idea.

They couldn’t have a repeat of what had happened on the balcony – Rey had made that very clear. That was a painful fact for Kylo. No one had ever made him feel the way Rey did. It went deeper than attraction or even lust. He felt those things, of course, but he also felt… valued. It was just his luck that the one time he felt this way, he couldn’t act on any of those feelings.

Part of him was curious how his assistant had managed to finally secure a meeting with Rey. Phasma was the kind of woman who knew how to push his buttons – calling him out on his shit. She could be a raging bitch, but he was glad to have at least one person in his life who had his back. “I told her she could come this week, or she wasn’t getting a wedding dress. Really, Kylo, this is ridiculous. You have enough projects without this. Just drop her ass,” Phasma had explained when he asked.

He shook his head, imagining Rey sputtering when Phasma gave her that ultimatum. “I can’t drop her, she’s a family friend.”

They were currently sitting in a swanky Manhattan restaurant, waiting for Rey’s arrival. Phasma was tagging along for two reasons – as a buffer for Rey and as Phasma put it: to make sure Kylo “got this shit done”.

Rey seemed to have the same idea, and Kylo was glad that there were enough seat at the table as she entered the restaurant with Rose Tico. Rey looked surprised to see Phasma there as as she and Kylo stood up. “Hello,” he said politely and giving Rey and Rose a nod.

“Hi,” Rey said, giving Kylo a small smile. As if she remembered where she was, the smile fell and she gestured to her friend, “I believe you know Rose Tico.”

“Yes, I believe we went to high school together,” Kylo nodded, deciding to play it cool. He didn’t want to Rose or Phasma know how much the past hurt him. He was determined not to say or do anything that would make him look ‘psychotic’. “This is my assistant, Phasma.”

The new arrivals sat down as a waiter stopped at the table to order drinks. “How are the wedding plans going?” Kylo asked as Phasma began preparing the sketches.

“Um it’s good. Your mom helped us book the boathouse at Central Park for the wedding and reception,” she explained as she took a sip of her wine.

_Cliche_ , Kylo thought but he nodded. “Sounds like my mother.” Following her lead, he drank from his own glass and added, “I’m sure she’s taking over all of the planning.” He knew that Rey didn’t have a mother, and neither did Poe, so it made sense that Leia took on the role.

“Yeah, pretty much,” Rey laughed.

“She even helped Poe pick out the engagement ring,” Rose said, lifting Rey’s hand and showing Kylo.

He almost rolled his eyes because, of course Poe wouldn’t know his own fiance well enough to be able to pick out a wedding ring. “Let me know if she’s bugging you. I can get her to back off a little.”

“No, it’s the opposite. I don’t know much about all of this and I don’t really have any ideas. It’s nice to have someone else just make all the decisions,” Rey insisted, though Kylo had a feeling that was a half-truth. He found it hard to believe that Rey had never thought about what her wedding would be like.

“Well, you’ll have to make a decision today,” Phasma said, turning the conversation back to the task at hand. She handed Kylo his sketchpad and took out her iPad to make notes.

He opened the pad and set it on the table, “I was going for a more traditional silhouette, but keeping in mind what we liked about the other one – which is your legs of course.” He said it casually, but when he glanced up at Rey she was blushing.

“Right,” she said before clearing her throat.

  
Kylo continued flipping through the pages until Rey’s hand flew out and stopped him. “This one,” she whispered and when he looked up at her face, he had to swallow a lump in his throat. There was a soft look on her face and a small smile, “It’s perfect.”

“Do you want to see the rest?” he thought he’d ask even though it was clear from her expression that she was already in love.

She shook her head fiercely. “No, it’s perfect, Kylo. Thank you.”

He smiled at her, “I’m just glad we figured out something that you want.” One of his favorite parts about designing was seeing the faces of his clients light up at something that he’d made. This time, because it was Rey, it felt even better.

When he looked over at Rose, she was giving him an odd look and Kylo felt self-conscious suddenly. He didn’t like being studied, especially not by someone who’d made no secret of her dislike. “Well, the next step is curating the materials. We can get together in a couple weeks for approval before going ahead.”

“Sounds great,” Rey smiled as her phone began to right. After pulling it out and checking it, she stood up to excuse herself, “It’s a client. I have to take this.”

Kylo busied himself by putting away the sketchbook. He felt awkward being alone with Rose, but got lucky as she suddenly stood up and rushed away from the table. He frowned and turned to Phasma, who shrugged and said, “She looks ill.”

When the waiter passed, he stopped and ordered some tea for Rose. “So...” Phasma began, raising an eyebrow at Kylo as she put her iPad away. “Are we going to talk about how you have a thing for your client?”

“We are not,” Kylo replied, avoiding her disapproving look at he drank from his glass.

“Do I need to remind you she’s getting married?” she pressed.

“I’m aware.” And he was. He knew that Rey was getting married and despite the moment they’d shared at the beach house, it wasn’t going to happen again. But at the same time, he couldn’t control how he felt. He was attracted to Rey and that wasn’t going to change, even after she was married. At least then, he’d have less reason to see her.

Phasma sighed, “You’re an idiot.”

He smirked at her but the conversation was cut short as Rose returned to the table. “Sorry about that,” she apologized and took her seat.

“I ordered some tea for you,” Kylo gestured to the steaming beverage. “How far along are you?”

  
Rose froze with the cup halfway to her lips. “What?”

“You’re expecting, right?” The signs were all there. She still looked like a deer caught in headlights so he added. “You didn’t order wine with lunch and then you ran off to the restroom. I just figured...”

“Um, I haven’t told anyone yet. Like anyone. Finn doesn’t even know,” Rose blushed and took a sip of her tea. “Please don’t tell anyone.”

Kylo didn’t know who he’d tell, but he acquiesced. “Of course, I wouldn’t tell anyone.”

“What did I miss?” Rey asked as she rejoined the group.

“Nothing!” Rose said quickly, shooting Kylo a glance.

He nodded and changed the subject before Rey could grow suspicious. “Should we order lunch?”

*****  
  
“What’s up?” Rey asked Rose as they waited at a crosswalk for the light to change.

“Hmm?” Rose glanced up at her friend, the spaced out expression on her face making it clear that her mind was on a different planet. “Oh, um. Just thinking.”

“About?” Rey pressed, looping her arm through Rose’s as the light changed.

They began their walk across the street and Rose laughed, “That was a weird lunch.”

“Was it?” Rey didn’t think so. She had been worried about being alone with Kylo but was surprised that he’d come in business-mode with his assistant. She would never in a million years admit that she had been slightly disappointed when she’d seen the other woman there next to Kylo Ren. That was mental in it’s own right, because she had told him specifically that nothing could happen between them. There had to be something wrong with her for her to feel disappointment.

“I mean, yeah. I can’t believe that was _Ben Solo_ ,” Rose said with a shudder. “He was so weird and scary in high school. And what was that anyway? He acted like he barely knew me.”

“Well, he didn’t, right? He said that he stopped hanging around with Poe when you two became friends,” Rey explained. She paused and they walked another half-block before Rey asked. She knew Poe’s stance on Kylo was still largely negative, but she’d like to think her friend would have her back on the high opinion she held of Kylo Ren. Or at least she could maybe admit that he wasn’t some raving nutcase. “Do you still think he’s weird?”

“He seemed normal,” Rose conceded. “I kinda couldn’t believe it was him. He was nice. And he _smiled.”_

Rey grinned, “I told you he was funny.”

“I wouldn’t go that far, but yeah. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a pleasant surprise.” Rose paused as though she were choosing her words carefully before she added to Rey, “But Poe _did_ say he lost his mind at the beach house.”

“He was upset,” Rey agreed, “But I get where he was coming from. His dad was making fun and I think his feelings were hurt.”

“He’s an adult,” Rose rolled her eyes. “And he shouldn’t be acting so hysterical in front of guests.”

“Some people just aren’t as good at hiding their emotions,” Rey defended Kylo. “And it wasn’t just Kylo. His dad blew up too, but you don’t hear Poe say anything bad about Han or Leia. And that’s another weird thing, Rose. I love those two, I do. But when Kylo was upset they just shrugged. No one went to make sure he was okay.” That had disturbed her more than anything else. She didn’t think Kylo was scary at all, or that his reaction was _too_ unreasonable. The concerning part of the whole thing had been that his parents didn’t even seem to care that they’d hurt their son.

“Rey, you’re too nice,” Rose laughed.

“There’s no such thing as being too nice. And besides, he was nice to me the whole weekend,” Rey pointed out. “He kept me company all day on Friday when I’m sure he had better things to do.”

Rose bit her lip and Rey knew her friend was holding something back again. “What? I can tell you’re dying to scold me on some kind of social faux pas I’ve committed.”

“It’s just...” she paused. “And don’t take this the wrong way, but maybe you’re giving him the wrong idea.”

The wrong idea? Rey raised an eyebrow at her friend and stopped where she was walking, crossing her arms over her chest. “What are you talking about Rose?”

“I don’t know,” she said, shrugging her shoulders. “Don’t get mad. I just think maybe he’s catching feelings or something. The way he looked at you when-”

“Rose,” Rey cut her friend off. “I’m marrying Poe, remember?”

“Well I know that. And Kylo knows that. But I also know what I saw and maybe you should be a little more careful around him,” Rose said, in a tone that rubbed Rey the wrong way.

“Are you saying I would cheat on Poe?” Rey asked, her voice taking on a higher pitch. If only Rose knew. But she could never tell her what had happened. Even if she needed someone to vent to, there was no one to tell. Rose wouldn’t understand, and she’d definitely turn around and tell Poe. Rose and Poe’s friendship went back further and she’d never take Rey’s side. Finn would have her back, but he was married to Rose. It would be unfair of her to confide in him and ask him to keep something from his wife. So Rey had no choice but to keep it to herself.

“No! I’m not,” Rose defended. “I just think that you’re too charmed by him to see him for what he is.”

“What is he, Rose?” Rey asked, feeling exasperated. She was getting tired of defending the poor man.

“You don’t know him,” Rose answered. And Rey rolled her eyes. Poe had said something similar every time she defended her friendship with Kylo.

“You don’t either!” Rey said, throwing her hands up. “You barely knew him 10 years ago.”

“I knew him well enough. And yeah, you wouldn’t do anything, I’m sure. But that doesn’t mean that I trust Kylo Ren not to,” Rose pointed out.

“Well I do. And even if he did, I’d stop him,” Rey said simply.

Rose stopped and put her hand on Rey’s arm, “He _hasn’t_ done anything, _right?”_

“Of course not,” Rey lied, cementing her choice. She had to trust Kylo Ren – that he wouldn’t tell anyone what had happened and that he wouldn’t try anything else. The problem was she couldn’t fight that gnawing pain in her stomach and she wasn’t sure if it was because she was guilty for lying or upset about what couldn’t be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the comments and kudos! Your support means the world to me <3


	7. August 2020 - Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Kylo's Townhouse](https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/471-State-St-Brooklyn-NY-11217/30566343_zpid/?mmlb=g,12) | [Rey's Apartment](https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/157-Bergen-St-1-Brooklyn-NY-11217/2080228904_zpid/?)

August 7th, 2020

The last place Kylo thought he’d see Rey was his local Whole Foods. At first, he hadn’t been sure it was her, he’d told himself there was no way. Was he so far gone that he was thinking every girl with brown hair was Rey?

It wasn’t until he got closer in the ready made foods section that he confirmed it. His imagination was active, but it wasn’t _that_ active. “Are you stalking me?” he asked with a smirk.

Rey jumped and dropped the pre-packaged salad she’d been holding, only relaxing when she saw who had accosted her. “Kylo! What are you doing here?”

“Shopping,” he held up his basket.

“Well obviously,” she blushed, bending down to pick up the salad she’d dropped. “I mean, here in Brooklyn.”

“I live like 3 blocks away,” he explained, finding her blush more endearing as he should.

She looked surprised by his explanation, “Really? I pictured you as more of a Manhattan guy.”

It was a fair enough assumption, but he decided not to comment, “What about you?”

“Um, yeah, I live a few blocks away,” she nodded. “I was just stopping to get something to eat on the way home.”

He frowned at her sad little salad. “No big dinner plans with Dameron, then?”

Rey shook her head, “Nope.”

When she offered no further explanation, he decided he’d better not ask. He was on tentative ground as it was, and he needed to be careful not to scare her away. He wasn’t going to try anything, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t enjoy each other’s company. “Do you want to come over for dinner?” Rey looked unsure so Kylo was quick to stifle her worries, “As friends. I’ve got plenty of food.”

“As friends...” she murmured, looking unsure.

“We’re friends, right? And it’s better than eating a sad salad alone,” he nodded to the package in her hands.

“Okay,” Rey finally agreed, putting the salad back before following Kylo to the checkout lanes.

There was something domestic about this, and Kylo knew he wouldn’t mind making a habit out of this. He could get carried away daydreaming about what it would be like to meet Rey here after work, pick out something to eat, cook and eat together. He was perfectly aware of how pathetic it was that he was fantasizing about cuddling after dinner, watching TV together, falling asleep together…

And even more sad and pitiful when he realized it was something he could never have.

Kylo gave her a stern look as she pulled out her wallet, “I invited you, I’ll pay.”

“Exactly, you invited me, so I’ll pay.”

“You can pay next time,” he said, handing the cashier a fifty before Rey could argue.

“You’re very stubborn, you know that?” Rey laughed, putting her wallet back into her bag.

“If anyone would know stubborn, it would be you,” he shot back, picking up the grocery bag and thanking the cashier. It was incredible how easy it was to just joke around with Rey. She was the only person on the planet who understood his humor and seemed to give back just as good as she got. “I’m this way,” he said, pointing down the street.

Rey nodded and followed him. “We really are neighbors,” she laughed as he led her down the street, “I’m like 5 blocks down that way. On Bergen.”

Kylo shook his head. How had they lived this close and never ran into each other? “How long have you lived there?”

“Only about a year. I used to live with Finn but when he got married to Rose last year, I moved into the place I’m living now.”

“Why didn’t you move in with Poe?” Kylo asked curiously. He didn’t know much about Rey’s relationship. She hadn’t shared much and he selfishly didn’t want to know any details.

“We’d only been dating for a few months at that point,” Rey explained. “I work here so it’s just more convenient than his place in Manhattan.”

“Are you guys going to move here then?” He wondered, not liking the idea of Poe Dameron infiltrating his Whole Foods and his fantasies of life with Rey.

“We haven’t really talked about it. I suppose we’ll have to start looking for places, but we’re busy enough between work and wedding plans.”

“If you guys are staying here, I can get you the name of my real estate guy. He’s great,” Kylo told her. Not that he wanted to be neighbors with Poe, but he wouldn’t mind having Rey close.

They arrived at his house and he unlocked the door for the street level entry and led Rey inside, chuckling at the look in her eyes. “This is unbelievable.” Her eyes were darting around the room as she followed him.

“You really are hot for architecture aren’t you?” he teased.

“Shut up,” she laughed and set her purse down on the couch before walking to the kitchen. “I could say the same thing about you and clothes.”

“Fair enough,” Kylo conceded. He unpacked the bag before grabbing a pot and filling it with water to boil.

“You have really good taste,” she informed him as she sat on a stool and watched as he moved about the kitchen. “It’s honestly a dream. Living in a brownstone like this. I had a computer at one of my foster homes and I would always look up houses for sale. Just look at them for hours. I always liked these older houses the best. My classmates all played video games or watched TV while I drooled over real estate websites.”

Kylo stopped what he was doing and watched as she looked around the room. He could understand the appeal of architecture for someone who’d grown up like her. If he’d never had a home, he supposed he’d be obsessed with building one too. “You wanna go explore?”

She turned to him, her face lighting up. “Really? Can I?”

He smiled and nodded, “I’ll work on dinner and you can go look around.”

She gave him and excited smile and hopped off the stool. “I’ll be back in a bit!”

****

  
Rey could hear the sounds of Kylo moving pots and pans as she made her way back through the living room to the staircase. She felt giddy as she climbed them, taking in the crown molding. She knew that Rose and Poe would consider this rude. Snooping around someone’s house wasn’t proper and she _should_ have turned down his offer. But she had the impression that Kylo didn’t think it was rude. In fact, he seemed to understand her almost itching need to see the house.

She made her way around the parlor level as she pondered on propriety. If she was honest with herself, Poe and Rose would be less scandalized that she was snooping than they would be of her alone with Kylo. And that would be their reaction not knowing about the kiss.

She thought about it almost everyday since had happened – a month of torturing herself. At first, she thought she should probably tell Poe. But what would she tell him? She could blame the kiss on Kylo, but that would only cement Poe’s horrible of opinion of him. Not only that, but it wouldn’t have been a fair assessment of the situation at all.

She was just as guilty as Kylo was. Sure, she’d been drunk, but her memory of the kiss was very clear and the kiss hadn’t been one sided. She’d definitely kissed him back and she’d enjoyed every second of it. Hell, she probably would have kept going if Poe hadn’t walked into the room.

And that was the issue with her being here alone with Kylo. If he kissed her again, would she push him away this time? She wanted to think she was strong enough. But there was a small horrible part of her that didn’t feel at all remorseful, when thinking back on the kiss. It had been _such_ a good kiss.

Yes, Kylo Ren was a good kisser. A fantastic kisser, even. Why would anyone be surprised with lips like those? Every time she thought about those lips, she found herself licking her own.

As she made it to the landing of the 3rd floor, she was treated to the strong, masculine scent she immediately recognized as Kylo’s and realized this was where he slept.

Part of her did feel guilty for snooping in his bedroom, because if any room was private, it was this one. She smirked as she looked though his closet, knowing how her friends would describe this as scandalous. But could she really be blamed when he gave her permission?

For some reason, it made her a little giddy to find actual jeans in Kylo Ren’s closet. She wondered where he would wear those and felt an honest desire to see him in them. Did he wear them on the weekends? She tried to picture him in Prospect Park, coffee in hand, wearing a t-shirt and jeans. Probably with some pretty blonde starlet, Rey thought, feeling jealous of his imaginary girlfriend who got to see him in blue jeans. If she thought it wouldn’t offend him, she’d ask him to put them on.

Once she realized she was spending an uncomfortable long amount of time in just his bedroom, she forced herself to leave and climb the stairs to the 4th floor. It seemed almost wasteful for one person to have so much space, but maybe that was because she grew up with nothing. It felt wrong to judge rich people when she’d willing chosen to marry into it.

  
Sometimes that thought still felt weird. Half the time, it felt like a fairy tale, and the other half she was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Part of her was so afraid that Poe and Rose and Leia would eventually see something about her that they didn’t like. That they’d realize she didn’t fit in. She had to keep those fears to herself, but she was glad to have Finn, who didn’t come from a wealthy background. And now Kylo who didn’t see the point in her bottling up her feelings.

Maybe that’s why she valued his friendship despite knowing it was dangerous. He didn’t scold her the way Poe did sometimes, he didn’t have to show her how to hold a fork like Leia at her fancy dinner parties. Honestly, sometimes she could understand why he had wanted to get away from all of this so badly

She glanced down at her watch and realized that she was probably taking way too long. He’d probably think she was looking through his medicine cabinet, she thought as she made her way back down to the kitchen.

*****

“So? Was it everything you thought it’d be?” Kylo asked when she returned. She’d spent so long exploring his house that by the time she’d made a reappearance, he was already plating the pasta.

“It’s incredible,” Rey breathed as she watched Kylo ladle the sauce over the noodles. “I’d love to live in a place like this. My friend Finn would love to see it too. He’s all about putting modern design in old buildings.”

“Rose’s husband, right?” He asked as he turned around to get silverware out of the drawer.

“Mmmhmm,” Rey hummed and when Kylo turned around she was eyeing the plates like a starving person.

Kylo fought back a grin and picked up the plates, carrying them over to the dining nook. “You should invite him over next time.”

“Next time?” She raised an eyebrow and sat down at the table.

“Yeah sure. Friends, remember? And technically neighbors,” he joked as he set her plate down on the table.

“True,” she agreed, wasting no time in picking up her fork and twirling an almost obscene amount of spaghetti around it. “I’ll ask him,” she agreed, popping it into her mouth.

Every once in a while, Rey did something so… unrefined that Kylo wondered what went on her head. Not that he minded her quirks. In fact, watching her stuff her cheeks full of food like a chipmunk was one of the cutest things he’d ever seen. His curiosity stemmed mainly from her relationship with Poe.

What did Dameron see in a woman like Rey? He couldn’t imagine that Poe would find her dinner etiquette as adorable. He’d heard their argument at the beach house about wearing pajamas to breakfast.

If Rey were his fiance, she could come to breakfast naked for all he cared.

And that was a thought that had him shifting uncomfortably in his chair. He’d just convinced Rey that they were friends. Picturing her eating toast naked in his kitchen was _not_ an appropriate way to think of a friend. Maybe this is why he didn’t really have any friends.

“Don’t you get lonely in a house this big?” Rey wondered and Kylo was glad for the distraction. “I mean, you could get one of those big glass bachelor pad penthouses like what Poe has.”

Kylo shrugged, “Yeah, I could. But I have money for a house this big and I guess it’s big for now, but someday I hope to have a family.” That was an embarrassing admission for him, and when he looked up from his plate of spaghetti Rey was softly smiling at him. It made him feel uncomfortable. “I mean, I just figured if I’m going to invest it should be for the future.”

“You don’t have to explain. I get it,” Rey said. Her spaghetti was gone and now she was using a piece of bread to soak up the rest of the sauce. “I think it’s nice that you think about stuff like that. Starting a family.” That soft smile on her face was still there, but she looked almost sad.

“Are you and Poe going to wait for a few years?” Kylo questioned gently. The last thing he wanted to think about was Rey contributing to the next line of Damerons. He didn’t like thinking about them having sex let alone her carrying his child. When that finally happened, he wasn’t sure that he could stand to be around her. But if friendship was all he could have then she deserved a good friend – someone she could talk to. And he really was trying to be that for her.

“We haven’t talked about it,” Rey admitted.

“But you want kids?” Kylo asked, pushing his plate away. The conversation was turning his stomach.

“Well yeah. I mean, I don’t have names picked out or anything. But yeah, of course,” Rey said. “I didn’t have a mother growing up so I guess I always thought if I were lucky enough to get married, I want to have at least one. A baby I could love.”

“Does Poe know all of that?”

Rey shook her head. “I told you, we haven’t talked about it. I just figured, when we’re ready we’ll talk about it then.”

Kylo thought it was strange that they were getting married but had never even talked about kids. He thought about pointing that out, but didn’t want to overstep his bounds. So instead, he nodded and told her, “I think you’d be a good mom.”

Rey blushed, “You barely know me, Kylo.”

“Yeah, but love is the most important thing you can give a kid. And you’ve got a lot of that to give, so,” Kylo shrugged. “And I’m an excellent judge of character,” he joked to lighten the mood.

“Are you now?” Rey asked, raising her eyebrow as she reached for Kylo’s plate and helped herself to his forgotten spaghetti.

He looked at her incredulously, “Maybe not. I’ve invited you into my home and it seems like you’re intent on eating me into poverty.”

“You weren’t going to finish it,” Rey pointed out with a mouth full of food.

Kylo actually laughed and shook his head, “What does Dameron think of your eating habits?”

“Why? Are you gonna tell on me?” Rey asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No, that would involve actually talking to him,” Kylo shot back.

“You know, if we’re friends, you’re going to have to talk to him eventually,” Rey pointed out, picking up the empty dishes and carrying them to the sink.

Kylo followed after her, taking the dishes from her hands and setting them in the sink. “I’m not friends with him, I’m friends with you.”

“Yeah, but we’d be able to hang out more if you were friends with him too,” Rey pointed out. “And when you get married we’d do boring adult stuff like play bridge while our kids play together.”

Kylo gave her a look as he rinsed the dishes and put them in the dishwasher, “I wouldn’t do _any_ of that.”

Rey frowned, “That’s not very nice.”

“Neither is expecting me to play cards with someone who called me a psycho,” Kylo pointed out.

Rey sighed and leaned against the counter, “How do you expect us to be friends if you won’t even talk to Poe?”

“Easy,” Kylo said. “You and I hang out and Poe can stay at home and watch the kids.”

Rey gave him a look, “I’m being serious.”

“I am, too. Look, I’m never going to get along with him.” Kylo didn’t think that was a hard concept to understand. It wasn’t just him – Poe clearly didn’t like Kylo either.

Rey was still giving him ‘the look’ as she asked, “And how long do you think this is going to last? This arrangement? Once I marry Poe, do you really think he’s going to be okay with me coming over here for pasta dinners in your ridiculously sexy kitchen?”

“You think my kitchen is sexy?”

“Come on, I’m trying to have a serious conversation here,” Rey said, trying her very hardest not to crack a smile.

“I don’t know, Rey. He’s not going to own you just because you got married. If you want to come over then you can come over,” Kylo shrugged. “Are you not allowed to have friends?”

“I am,” Rey looked away. “Just not you.”

That hurt, Kylo wasn’t going to lie. But he wasn’t going to fool himself. He knew Dameron hated him. “Did he say that?”

“No, but doesn’t it look suspicious that I would be going over to an attractive bachelor’s house without him?” Rey pointed out. “People would talk.”

“Oh, they would not,” Kylo rolled his eyes.

“They would,” Rey insisted. “Rose already warned me about being alone with you.”

“Why? Does she think I’m a psycho too?” Kylo asked, starting to get angry. He’d been so damn nice to Rose Tico at lunch and she was still talking shit about him? Even when he did everything right, he couldn’t do _anything_ right. He’d never be able to shake the past or people’s opinions of him.

“No,” Rey said quietly, “she said that you were looking at me.”

“I was _looking_ at you? As opposed to what? Talking to you with my eyes closed?” He asked incredulously and Kylo didn’t realize how close he was getting to Rey until he had her pressed up against the island.

Rey blinked up at him and swallowed before licking her lips, “Like that. You were looking at me like that...” Her voice was almost hoarse it was so quiet.

Like a man who desired a woman, Kylo knew, because that was all he thought about when he looked at her. But he’d thought he’d done a good job of hiding it in front of Rose. “I can’t help the way I look at you,” he told her, his eyes darting to her lips.

Rey licked her lips again as Kylo put his hands on either side of her on the counter, caging her in. “Kylo...”

He didn’t give her a chance to finish the sentence as he lowered his face to hers, capturing her lips in a kiss. Her hands flew up and Kylo thought for sure she was going to shove him, but instead she gripped his collar and pulled him in deeper, her mouth opening against his.

Kylo practically growled and his hands on the counter moved to her hips, pulling her against him so he could feel every inch of her as they devoured one another. She shivered into the kiss as her hands slid up his neck and into his hair.

They were both breathless when she pulled away, sucking in deep breaths of air. Kylo wasn’t done, he had a taste and he wanted more. “Kylo,” she said, tilting her head back. He caught the look of guilt on her face before he leaned in, pressing his lips against the soft skin of her neck, leaving kisses and nips against her flesh before she pushed him away. “What are you doing?” she asked, shrinking into herself.

Kylo wasn’t sure what to say, “Rey...”

“What are you thinking?” She asked, pacing across the room in a desperate attempt to get away from him. “God damn it!”

Kylo flinched. “Rey,” he tried again but she cut him off with a look.

“You agreed that we’re friends and that’s all. You invite me over here and then pull this bullshit,” Rey said, waving her hand at where they’d just been making out.

“I pulled this bullshit?” Kylo asked, feeling annoyed. “You kissed me back, Rey. If you want me to apologize for starting it, fine. But you could have pushed me away.”

“I shouldn’t have to push you away! You should have some respect for me and what I want!” Rey shouted at him.

“Oh, like Poe does?” Kylo asked.

  
“Don’t. Just don’t, Kylo,” she warned.

“No, you need to hear this, Rey. Because I _am_ your friend and you don’t have any other person in your damn life who is honest with you. Poe does _not_ respect you. He belittles you, tries to change you to fit with him better,” Kylo crossed the room towards her. “You’re unhappy and they don’t care.”

“I’m not!” Rey insisted.

“You are!” he shouted at her and Rey flinched. “Stop lying to yourself.”

“You’re an asshole,” Rey ground out and walked around him, racing to the living room and grabbing her bag before hurrying out of his town home.

Kylo ran a hand through his hair as he heard the door slam shut. Shit, he’d ruined everything. Rey had been like a burst of sunshine in his life and he’d chased her away too. He couldn’t be a good friend like she’d asked. He was an asshole and now he’d lost her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who's stuck around with me this week! I've reached some milestones with this chapter: 150+ kudos and 25k words. Here's to the next 25k and feel free to add me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/jeeaysee0925) for updates or for sending me outfit inspo! <3


	8. August 2020 - Part 3

Kylo had expected to wake up with a hangover, but what he hadn’t expected was to wake up to a hangover and a call from his mother. “Benjamin Solo! What did you do!”

He almost smirked at her tone because how many times had she yelled at him like that as a teenager. “I don’t know, mother. What did I do?”

“I have no idea! Rey just called me and said she wants to go with a different designer,” Leia explained. “What did you do?”

Kylo took a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself down. Last night, after he’d cooled off, he’d tried reaching out to Rey. He’d felt bad about yelling at her, and even worse when he imagined that it had probably cemented everything Poe had warned her about. He hadn’t meant to lose his temper at her, and he hadn’t really. The anger wasn’t at Rey – it was at the fact she couldn’t see how wrong Poe was for her.

It was almost laughable how stupid Rey was being. She was completely ignoring everything that was right in front of her. She clearly wasn’t in love with Poe and if there were feelings, there clearly wasn’t any passion. If she’d answer his calls, he’d point that out to her.

“I didn’t _do_ anything,” Kylo lied. “She came over for dinner last night and things might’ve gotten uncomfortable.” That wasn’t a lie but it was purposefully worded to leave out the fact that he’d pounced on Rey the first chance he got.

“Uncomfortable?” Leia asked, incredulously. “What happened? Benjamin, what did you do to that poor girl?”

“I didn’t do anything to her!” he growled. Why was everything his fault? Rey had kissed him back and was only offended for propriety’s sake.

“Did you yell at her?” Leia asked. “I thought you two were getting along so well…”

“We were,” Kylo agreed, deciding maybe it was best to at least hint at what had happened. “Too well.”

“Ben… you slept with her?” There was a long sigh, “I am ashamed-”

“What else is new?” Kylo snapped. “I didn’t sleep with her, but thanks for the vote of confidence. We _kissed_.”

Leia was silent for a moment and Kylo thought just maybe she was thinking about apologizing. “You can’t go around kissing whoever you want! She’s engaged.”

“I know that,” Kylo snapped. “She’s made it clear to me that that is the case.”

“How could you do that to Poe?”

“I didn’t do anything to Poe!” Kylo shot back. “I wasn’t thinking about Poe. It wasn’t revenge against him, I wasn’t seizing some opportunity to be the villain and hurt you or him or anybody else, believe it or not.”

“Ben, I never said you were the villain,” his mother sighed, exasperated.

“You didn’t have to!” Kylo shouted. “You said as much every time you told me how ashamed you were of me, how you wished I was more like him, how you still take his side over your own damn son’s every single time.”

“How am I supposed to take your side on this?” Leia asked, her voice almost desperate. “Rey is marrying Poe. You can’t just swoop in because you want her more.”

“That’s exactly it! I want her more!” Kylo pointed out. “He doesn’t care about her like I do. He just--”

“Stop it. Do you realize how you sound? You’ve known her for all of a couple months,” Leia pointed out. “He’s been with her for going on two years. I think he cares about her a little more than you do.”

“Did you know they haven’t even talked about where they’re going to live? If they’re going to have kids? Don’t you think it’s weird?”

“It’s not our business,” Leia pointed out.  
  
“It isn’t our business,” Kylo repeated sarcastically. “Its not our business if someone you claim to care about is making a mistake?”

“I do care about Rey. I care about her enough to let her decide whether or not she marries Poe.”

“Have you ever considered that she has no choice?” Kylo pointed out. “She’s in it too deep. If she breaks off the engagement, she loses you because you’ll be on Poe’s side. She’ll lose her best friend because his wife will take Poe’s side and he’ll have to take his wife’s side. She’ll lose everything. So what choice is there to make? All she can do is marry him.”

“Then she marries him. Is it really so bad?” Leia pointed out. “She’ll have someone who cares about her and provides for her. Have you ever considered that maybe that’s enough for her?”

“No,” Kylo said honestly. How could that be enough for anyone? Those were bare minimum requirements, the definition of settling. She deserved more than that.

“Just, Ben, please leave her alone. She’s had a hard life and she’s happy. If you care about her at all, you’ll let her have that,” Leia pleaded.

Kylo tried thinking about it from Rey’s point of view. He knew how she grew up and could understand the appeal of marrying for comfort. He’d grown up in a home with parents who’d married for love and passion, and look how that turned out. Kylo could remember weeks on end when his parents would stomp around the house giving one another the cold shoulder after a huge shouting match.

When things were good between Han and Leia, it was a dream marriage. But when things were bad, they were terrifying for a five year old. There was something to be said for passion, but maybe it wasn’t the best environment for raising kids. Kylo thought he could make Rey happier than Poe did, but he hated to think that he would hurt his own children the way his parents had. It was a sobering enough thought to give him the kick in the ass he needed to agree with his mother. “Fine.”

“You’ll behave?” Leia asked, breathing a sigh of relief.

“I’ll be on my best professional behavior. Why don’t you come along with her to the next meeting?” Kylo asked. “That’ll make her feel more comfortable.”

“Thank you, Ben.”

He grunted in response and hung up on his mother, hoping that she would be able to smooth things over with Rey. If she would rather be with Poe, then it was out of his hands. Regardless of what his mother thought, he _did_ care about Rey. He thought she was making a mistake in marrying Poe, but it was her mistake to make. He’d tried to make her see that, but she had walked out on him. For now, he would just wash his hands of the whole affair.

*****

  
Rey had been nervous about her next meeting with Kylo Ren. To say that things had not ended well after their dinner together was the understatement of the year. She’d spent the rest of that night wracked with guilt and trying her hardest to figure out what to do.

Part of her thought that it would serve Kylo Ren right if she were to tell Poe. After yelling at her like that, basically calling her stupid to her face, he _deserved_ to get punched. She’d almost wished she’d done it herself. But the problem with telling Poe was that she’d have to admit not only that they kissed more than once, but that she liked it.

And that was what scared her the most – how much she liked the kiss. How much she couldn’t stop thinking about it. She was sure she spent her entire walk home biting and sucking her kiss swollen lips trying to get one last taste of Kylo Ren. What was wrong with her?? She was happy with Poe, so why was she thinking about another man?

After a fitful night’s sleep, she decided the best thing to do was call Leia and tell her that she didn’t want a dress designed by Kylo Ren. She didn’t give any details of what happened, but after breaking down in tears, the older woman had no doubts that whatever turned her off of Kylo Ren was _not_ good.

When Rey hung up with Leia, she almost thought it would have been easier on Kylo if she’d gone to Poe. Poe would maybe punch him, but Leia… well she’d seen Leia in the courtroom and had a feeling that she was about to drop her son down a peg or two. She also knew that tattling to his mother was something that he’d never forgive her for – Rey knew how he was trying to rebuild a relationship with his parents. She’d hand delivered them one more reason to be disappointed in him.

The guilt ate at her, so much that she considered calling him. But this was what was for the best, right? If he was angry at her, it would make things so much easier. He would be able to move on from her. She could tolerate a few months of glares from him and then once the wedding was over, she wouldn’t have to see him again.

Less than a week after their horrible dinner, Rey was waiting in the same restaurant that she’d met Kylo in last time, this time with Leia by her side. “It’ll be fine,” Leia told her, reaching over to pat her hand.

When their meeting finally started, Rey was surprised to find only Phasma had joined them at the table. “Good afternoon, ladies,” she said, pulling out her bag and lifting a book from it.

“Where’s Ben?” Leia asked, looking around for her son.

“ _Kylo_ ,” Phasma began, “is a very busy man. The Emmy's are next month so I’ll be handling his _less important_ tasks.” The look she gave Rey left no doubt that she was considered undeserving of the dress.

“Let me call him,” Leia said, pulling out her phone.

“I assure you that I’m more than capable,” Phasma said, pulling out the sample book and opening the pages. “This is just to finalize fabric choices so I’ll make it very simple for you.”

Leia narrowed her eyes and Rey pushed her chair back. She was about to witness a battle between two very strong-willed women. “He is supposed to be doing this as a favor for--”

“Exactly. This is a favor. One he has had to turn down other jobs to take on and one he is getting _no respect_ for,” Phasma spat. “If it was up to me, I’d cancel this whole project.”

“Well, it isn’t up to you. It’s up to my son,” Leia said. “Now excuse me while I call him.”

“Put the phone down or I leave. And if I do, there’s no way you’re getting your dress in time for the wedding,” Phasma ground out.

“This is ridiculous!” Leia grumbled as she shoved her phone back in her purse. “What kind of assistant are you?”

“One who cares about the man she works for,” Phasma coolly replied as she turned the book to face the women on the other side of the table.

Rey looked Phasma over, concluding that the blonde was probably much more suited to Kylo than she was. She was tall and pretty and dressed like she was getting ready to walk the runway. They’d met twice before and she never had the impression that the pair were an item, but now she wondered from the way Phasma was talking.

“This one will be used for the skirt,” Phasma pointed. “And the bodice and sleeves will be made from Venetian lace. Now there’s a few choices for color...” she trailed off when she noticed Rey staring at her and not the sample book. “Am I boring you, Ms. Johnson?”

Rey shook her head, “No.”

“Well, if it’s not too much trouble then,” Phasma nodded towards the book.  
  
“Are you and Kylo…?” Rey trailed off, hoping that her meaning was clear. She had no idea why she asked and could feel her face getting redder, even more so with Kylo’s mother sitting right next to her.

The look of disgust that crossed Phasma’s face was almost comical. “If you’re implying what I think you’re implying, then no. Not that it’s any of your business. Let’s keep this professional, Ms. Johnson. After all, that’s what you wanted.”

Rey frowned. So that was why Kylo hadn’t come. He was keeping things professional for her sake, and she knew she should feel grateful for that. She’d been dreading seeing him today. But now that he wasn’t here, she felt disappointed. It was funny how you could miss someone without knowing that you missed them.

She had to stop thinking about him. He was doing the right thing by keeping his distance. She could appreciate that he was trying to make things easier for her, but that didn’t mean that it hurt any less that he was avoiding her. She knew that she was just going around in circles in her head, so the best thing she could do was focus on the task at hand.

“So really, we can go with ivory, white or champagne,” Phasma said, sorting through pages to show off each color option. “I would suggest the ivory for anything with lace. The details stand out better.”

“Sure, ivory sounds good,” Rey agreed, nodding at the pictures.

“Perfect,” Phasma said and slapped the book closed before putting it back into her back. “So our next meeting will be for a fitting in the office. Kylo will work on the pattern and we’ll get a basic silhouette made before we start on the final project.”

Leia nodded, “Sounds fine. Will my son be there?”

“He will probably be in the office,” Phasma confirmed. “But I will be handling the fitting. Do you have any other questions?” The blonde had already shouldered her bag and was standing up to leave.

Rey shook her head and stood up before Leia put a hand on the younger woman’s arm. “Let’s stay and have lunch.”

Phasma excused herself and then it was just Rey and Leia. “Leia, I just wanted to apologize for that phone call. I must have been stressed about the wedding and...”

“Rey,” Leia reached over and patted her hand. “It’s okay. Ben told me what happened.”

Rey froze, “He did?” She could feel her face burning and she felt angry at Kylo all over again.

Leia smiled softly, “It’s okay, I’m not planning on telling anyone else. Sometimes things happen in the heat of the moment and it doesn’t have to mean anything at all.”

Rey nodded, unable to lift her eyes from the menu to look at the older woman. She knew that was true. She’d told herself something similar after the first kiss, that she was just having second thoughts about getting married and made a bad choice. That when it came down to it, all she really wanted was to marry Poe. But then the second kiss happened and it scared her with how much she’d enjoyed it. She’d never been kissed that way before, like someone wanted her.

“And if it _does_ turn out to mean something, you can always talk to me, OK?” Leia said as she stroked Rey’s hair.

Rey nodded again as she felt a tear fall down her cheek. She wasn’t sure she could tell Leia everything floating around in her head at the moment, but it felt nice to be cared for, to have someone stroke her hair in that motherly way. “Thank you.”

“Now, let’s see… I think we need some wine,” Leia said cheerfully, picking up the drink menu. “Split a bottle with me?”

Rey wiped her cheek and nodded, “I’m in.” For the first time, it occurred to Rey that maybe even if things did go to hell, she’d still have someone who cared about her. Maybe it wouldn’t all come down to choosing sides.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Rey's turn to pine now :)
> 
> Sorry for the lack of updates. I've been sick and staring at the computer screen was making my headache worse. But I'm feeling much better today so hopefully I'll see you all back here tomorrow!


	9. September 2020 - Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Kylo/Bazine](https://imgur.com/a/f3vUyrr) | [Rey](https://imgur.com/a/norEQjG)

Friday September 18th, 2020

Rey had almost a full month to sit on her thoughts and feelings before seeing Kylo Ren again. Sometimes those thoughts and feelings became intense enough that she considered sending him a text or calling him. Considered was even too strong of a word. In fact, she had typed out several texts, letting her thumb hover over the send button before chickening out and deleting it all.

That wasn’t even the worst of it. She’d gone to Whole Foods hoping to see him, had even gone out of her way to walk past his townhome hoping to accidentally bump into him. She had to chide herself everytime she did something foolish. What could she even say to him at this point? ‘Sorry I called you an asshole, please let me continue to string you along?’

Apologizing would be a start, she knew, but then what? At this point, Rey doubted very much that they could be just friends. They’d opened a can of worms when they’d kissed and there was no going back. Rey had admitted to him that she was attracted to him, but even attraction didn’t seem to be a word strong enough for what she felt.

And it wasn’t just that she was dying to rip his clothes off (although who was she kidding – she’d totally pictured him in various states of undress). The attraction she felt for Kylo went beyond physical. She genuinely liked spending time with him. She liked his dry humor, the ease she felt when they were together, the way he made her feel listened to and understood. He was a little rough around the edges, prone to anger, but she even liked that. It was different than Poe or Finn or anyone else she knew and to her, it felt real.

As an engaged woman, she knew that she shouldn’t be thinking about any of that. She should forget about Kylo Ren. She’d told him to respect what she wanted and he’d granted that by keeping his distance. ‘Keeping things professional’ like Phasma had pointed out.

The problem – the true one at the heart of things – was that Rey didn’t _know_ what she wanted. At the crux of it, she supposed, she wanted to be loved.

She knew that Poe loved her, but she knew now that their love lacked the passion there was when she kissed Kylo. Poe didn’t seem to understand her, only wanted to change the things that didn’t make sense to him. Maybe that was for the best, Rey wondered, because perhaps it was his way of fixing all the parts of her that were broken. The uncivilized parts of her that had never developed properly because she hadn’t had parents looking after her. Sometimes it hurt – the way he laughed at her for not knowing something, or how he’d scold her for eating too fast or too much. But still, she felt cared for and loved.

Then there was Kylo. She couldn’t say that what they had was love, they’d only just met. He seemed to care for her at the very least, and she cared for him too. She’d taken offense when Poe had called him psycho and had been disturbed how neither of his parents had made sure he was okay that day. She could understand him, too, on some level. She knew what it felt like to feel alone and unloved. There was a part of her that was the same as Kylo Ren and she wanted to protect that part of him.

So that was where she was at after a month of ruminating on her feelings. The only conclusion she had come to was that her heart was being pulled in two different directions.

Phasma had called her the first week of September to let her know that the first phase of the dress was complete so Rey had scheduled an appointment. According to Phasma, Kylo would most likely be around that day. She wondered if he would talk to her and secretly hoped that he would. She’d made it clear she hadn’t wanted to talk when she ignored his calls and texts the night they’d fought, so she needed to come to terms with the fact that he might not want to talk to her.

The best way to calm her nerves was to go in prepared. And for a meeting with Kylo Ren, that meant dressing the part. Rey was ashamed to say that she dropped over a grand on a white fitted dress for the occasion, though everything else she’d borrowed from Rose. Even if Kylo was angry with her, at least she’d have confidence.

She knew that it was a dangerous game she was playing.Try as she might to rationalize it by telling herself that it was what was expected from his client, she couldn’t deny that there was a dark part of her that wanted Kylo’s eyes on her.

“You look beautiful, darling,” Leia complimented as they met outside of Kylo’s office-studio.

“Thanks,” Rey said, holding the door open for the older woman. “Is this your first time here?” Rey couldn’t help but notice there was more hustle and bustle than there usually was at the office. In fact, everytime she’d been here it had been just her, Kylo and Phasma.

Leia nodded, “Oh, there’s Ben. Ben!” Leia waved at her son across the room as he was talking with someone important looking.

Rey felt second hand embarrassment on his behalf. Not having a parent drop by her place of work was one of the very few blessings Rey had for being parentless.

He finished his conversation and walked over at the same time that Phasma joined them. “I can take your jacket and bag,” she told Rey, stretching her arm out.

  
Rey nodded and shrugged her moto jacket off as Kylo greeted his mother.

“It’s Kylo here,” he told her, kissing her on the cheek despite his annoyance.

“Right, Right. I’ll never get used to that,” she sighed and handed her coat to Phasma as well.

Phasma disappeared with their bags and coats and Rey suddenly felt unsure of what to do with her hands. She was spared the agony of thinking on it when Kylo’s eyes finally landed on her. His reaction was worth the thousand dollars, Rey decided immediately. Between his adam’s apple bobbing in his throat as he swallowed, the way he licked his lips unconsciously and the look in his eyes like he was itching to rip the dress off of her, it was _worth every penny_.

Rey’s heart was racing as his eyes trailed up the length of her body and their eyes finally met. His eyes were so dark, she unconsciously bit her lip to keep from gasping as she felt the first stirrings of arousal.

If Leia noticed the thick silence or the heated way her son was looking at Rey, she said nothing. Fortunately she was saved from that uncomfortable task as Phasma returned. “Kylo, Bazine is waiting for you in the fitting room.”

Kylo nodded, tearing his eyes away from Rey to escape the room and Rey finally relaxed. “You’re fine with sharing the fitting room, right?” Phasma asked. “One of our clients came in for a last minute fitting before the Emmy’s.”

“That’s fine,” Rey agreed and followed Phasma through the doorway Kylo had disappeared behind.

“You can get undressed and I’ll grab the pattern dress,” Phasma excused herself.  
  
Rey snuck through the curtain, stopping in her tracks when she noticed she wasn’t alone. Already half-naked was a gorgeous woman that Rey recognized from some foreign movie that won an Oscar. “Oh, don’t worry,” the woman said in a French accent. “We’ll have to share today.”

She knew that Kylo had famous clients, of course, but she hadn’t expected to meet one. After getting over her star-struck, she nodded. “You’re Bazine Netal, right?”

“Oh, you’ve heard of me!” Bazine cooed. “I’m sorry but I don’t know you…?”

“I’m nobody,” Rey said. “I mean, I’m not an actor. I’m a family friend of Kylo and he’s designing my wedding dress.” She felt awkward just having a conversation with a woman who was almost naked, so she busied herself with unzipping the back of her dress.

“You know Kylo well?” Bazine asked, coming over to Rey and helping her with her zipper. “Is he single? He is so gorgeous!”

Rey’s stomach dropped. Of course this beautiful French woman was after Kylo. She wanted to bat the other woman’s hands away and tell her that no, Kylo was not single. But neither was Rey and she didn’t own Kylo. “Um, no he’s not seeing anyone.”

“You’ll have to put in a good word with him for me!” Bazine said and then patted her shoulder and stepped around the curtain into the fitting room in her underwear.

Luckily, by the time Rey hung her dress and poked her head out of the curtain, Kylo was already zipping up the back of her strapless red dress. “The beading isn’t quite done yet, but we’re almost there,” he assured her, completely unaware of Rey’s prying eyes as he worked with his client.

“We don’t have all day,” Phasma snapped her fingers at Rey as she held up the silhouette of what would be her dress.

Rey stepped out, feeling self-conscious. Her body definitely wasn’t as vuluptuous as Bazine’s. And on top of that, she didn’t feel right about being in her underwear in front of Kylo. No, scratch that, in front of Kylo _and_ his mom. Leia knew that they’d kissed and even if her being in her underwear was standard for the situation, the professional aspect was marred by the fact that Kylo and Rey were attracted to one another.

But when it was all boiled down, Rey was a little afraid of Phasma so she hurried over to the blonde woman and allowed herself to be dressed like a doll.

*****  
  
Kylo’s hands were shaking as he pinned where he would raise the waistline on Bazine’s dress. What kind of game was Rey playing by coming in looking like that? She was barely recognizable from the girl who had showed up to the first meeting wearing clothes designed for a 50 year old woman.

He didn’t necessarily want Rey to change, but seeing her in designer clothes, head to toe, was enough to make all of the blood in his body head straight to his dick. He knew she would probably make fun of his clothes fetish if given the chance, but she looked like a goddess as she embraced it.

Kylo wasn’t sure how he was going to handle being this close to her and having to play it cool. He’d taken his mother’s advice and was going to leave her alone. He’d made his feelings clear and told her that he thought she was going to make a mistake in marrying Poe. If that was what the thought she wanted, then what else could he do? Pushing himself on her would only make him the asshole that everyone seemed to already think he was.

He tried to ignore her as she stepped out in a matching set of lacy panties and strapless bra, and focus on Bazine. But no matter how hard he tried, his eyes kept snapping over to her, even after she’d stepped into the muslin mock-up of the dress.

Bazine cleared her throat and Kylo looked up at her from where he was kneeling on the floor. “I was thinking maybe we could have dinner.”

“Hmm?” Kylo questioned as he stole another glance at Rey.

“Dinner. As a thank you for all the hard work you’re doing,” Bazine said as Kylo stood up. She put a hand on his arm. “I’ve enjoyed working with you since you designed my dress for the Oscars. I haven’t been able to even think of another designer to dress me,” she purred, sliding her hand up Kylo’s arm.

Kylo would be lying if he said he hadn’t been hit on by a client before. As tempted as he was, even if Rey weren’t here, he didn’t particularly plan on mixing business with pleasure. And he especially didn’t want to end up on the tabloids.

He spared a glance over at Rey, pleased to see that she’d been listening in and currently had her hand in a fist at her side. There was a large part of him that felt glad she was jealous, it served her right. He had half a mind to take Bazine up on her offer despite his better judgement. In fact, “Dinner would be good.”

“Hold still, dammit,” Phasma growled and Ben turned in time to see Rey fidgeting. “I’ll poke you with the needle, I swear to God.”

Kylo had to hide his grin for two reasons: first and foremost, Rey was _jealous_ and secondly, Phasma had zero people skills. The asshole in him was absolutely gleeful at Rey’s reaction. He had absolutely no plans to sleep with Bazine, but he’d suck it up for a dinner date if it made the object of his affection rethink her pigheadedness.

*****  
  
As soon as Phasma was finished marking and pinning the mock-up dress, Rey was yanking on her dress. “Did you hear?” she was interrupted by Bazine who seemed to finish her fitting at the same time. “Kylo and I will have dinner.”

“Good for you,” Rey said, not bothering with politeness as she tried to get her zipper up.

Bazine just smirked at her, “I wonder if he is good in bed. I bet he is HUGE.”

Rey clenched her jaw, and finally found the right angle to pull the zipper all the way to the top. “I guess you’ll find out.” She slipped her feet into her heels and mentally cursed her decision to wear shoes with ankle straps.

“I intend to find out,” Bazine told Rey, crossing her arms as she watched Rey struggling to get dressed.

“Again, good for you,” Rey gritted out, finally hooking the strap in. She didn’t want to hear anything else about Kylo’s stupid French conquest.

  
When she stepped out of the fitting room, Phasma was already waiting with her jacket and purse. “I’ll call when we’re ready for the next fitting.”

“Sounds good,” Rey said, hurrying to put on her coat. She turned to Leia, “Dinner? I could use a big glass of wine.”

*****  
  
Rey may have had more than one glass of wine with dinner. As she left the restaurant with Leia, who was sweet enough not to say anything about what a train wreck the fitting had been, the older woman had decided that Rey really needed to take a cab home.

Not that Rey minded, because it gave her plenty of time to think. Mainly, about how stupid she was. She was stupid for kissing Kylo not once but twice. She was stupid to provoke him with her clothes today. She was stupid for getting jealous about him having dinner with Bazine.

Rey had a lot to be thankful for – she was _lucky_ that Poe wanted to marry her. He was handsome, smart, funny, wealthy… literally the complete package. But here she was pining over another man. She was tipsy enough to be honest with herself: she wanted Kylo Ren. She was also tipsy enough to just write it off to simple want.

As she got out of the cab and climbed up to her apartment, she decided it was as simple as that. Rey just needed to get Kylo out of her system. Would she feel guilty for the rest of her life for sleeping with another man? Well, that was another worry for another day, Rey decided as she uncorked another bottle of wine at her apartment.

She filled a wine glass and drank it down, then filled another glass as she sat down and thought about her plan. She would go to Kylo’s and give him the proposition: one night of passion to work each other out of their systems and go on with their lives. Surely, the idea would be appealing enough to Kylo that he’d ditch Bazine, right?

Rey finished off her glass of wine and stood up on wobbly feet. She’d have to ditch the heels to make the trek over to Kylo’s apartment. She managed to unstrap them after several attempts and slid into a pair of sneakers instead.

Thanks to Rey’s previous stalking attempts, she had no trouble finding Kylo’s apartment, even in her drunken state. Unlike her previous ventures, this time she marched straight up the stairs to his townhouse and rang the doorbell. She peeked inside the entryway, looking for a sign of Bazine’s shoes.

A rolling nauseous feeling filled her stomach as she imagined them upstairs in Kylo’s room going at it. If that was the case, they needed to stop. She reached out and held her finger down on the button this time so that the buzzing wouldn’t stop.

It took about 30 seconds for Kylo to appear in the doorway. He unlocked the door and held it open, regarding her with an impassive expression. “Yes?”

“Is Bazine here?” Rey asked, trying to look around him.

“No, she’s not,” Kylo said and Rey recognized the smug look on his face.

“What happened?”

“We had dinner and I came home,” he answered. “Are you drunk?”

“I might be a little tipsy.”

“What brings you to my house in this state of tipsiness?” Kylo teased, dropping the cool facade.

“I have a proposition,” Rey said and squared her shoulders.

Kylo raised his eyebrow, clearly amused and intrigued, and held the door open wider. “Wanna come in?”

*****


	10. September 2020 - Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Kylo's Townhouse](https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/471-State-St-Brooklyn-NY-11217/30566343_zpid/?)

Saturday September 19th, 2020

Rey woke up the next morning in a bed that felt way too comfortable to be her own. She could feel the sun coming through the window and knew that meant that it was getting too late to still be in bed. Once her brain started waking up and before even cracking open her eyes, she recognized the heady woody scent of Kylo Ren. That realization froze her in place where she’d been nuzzling her pillow and she flew into a seated position, looking around for the source of the smell.

Luckily, Kylo didn’t seem to be in the room but she knew that it was, in fact, his bedroom. She looked down at herself, pleased to see that at least she had on clothes – even if it was clearly one of his t shirts.

Rey flopped back onto the bed and raised a hand to her forehead, trying to remember what had happened that landed her in Kylo’s bed. She remembered being upset and jealous of his date with Bazine and drinking way too much at dinner. She also remembered she’d gotten a cab ride home so how did she end up at Kylo’s house?

After a full minute trying to come up with the answer, the memory came back all at once and had her scrambling out of bed. Her incredibly drunk and stupid self had come over to proposition him for sex, she recalled. Somewhere in her foggy memory, she remembered thinking that it would solve all of her problems and magically cleanse her system of any untoward thoughts she’d been having.

That was the single most _stupid_ idea she’d ever had, she mentally cursed herself. Sleeping with Kylo Ren would solve nothing! There were clearly more complicated feelings involved than carnal ones. If it was just sex, she wouldn’t feel as conflicted when it came to Kylo as she did. And if it was just sex, it certainly wouldn’t be worth risking her engagement to Poe for one night of passion.

And that was the other unexplainable part of drunk Rey’s logic – how could she live with herself if she’d slept with another man? She would never be able to look Poe in the face again. She wouldn’t even deserve to be in the same room as him.

The question now was: had Kylo taken her up on her proposition?

Stumbling around the room, she searched for any sign that the deed had taken place. Her clothes from the previous day were on a hanger on the back of the door and while that would usually be an indication that there was no passionate sex was involved, she had no doubt that Kylo Ren would stop in the middle of the act to hang his clothes lest they get wrinkled.

What she really needed was an answer. She took the stairs two at a time until she called out tentatively on the landing, “Kylo?”

“Down here,” she heard from the floor below her and hurried down the next flight of stairs. She padded through the living room and kitchen and paused when she spotted Kylo sitting at the table in front of his laptop. “Good morning,” he said with a small smirk.

She could feel his eyes on her legs as she tugged the hem of his t-shirt down and replied, “Morning.” She was sure her face was bright red and could only feel relieved when his eyes returned to his computer screen.

“How are you feeling?” Kylo asked, reaching blindly for his coffee as he focused on his screen.

“Um, good,” Rey answered awkwardly and wondered how best to broach the subject. “Did we, uh, sleep together last night?”

Kylo glanced up at her with a smirk as he brought the coffee mug to his lips, but then looked back to his screen to at least save her _some_ humiliation. “We didn’t.”

Rey sagged into her chair in relief. If they didn’t sleep together, then maybe she hadn’t even propositioned him…

“You did suggest it though,” he cut into her thoughts and met her eyes again. “Your exact words, I believe, were that we should ‘fuck it out’.”

Rey could feel her face turning red again and to save herself the torture of the grin she knew he was wearing at her expense, she dropped her head against the table and groaned, “Oh God...”

Kylo gave her a minute to compose herself before he changed the subject, “I bought pastries for breakfast and there’s some coffee. You’ll feel better after eating.”

Her stomach _was_ uncomfortably empty, to the point of beginning to feel nauseous. She stood up and made her way into the kitchen, finding it easier to talk now that his eyes weren’t on her. “I’m sorry about last night.” She found a paper bag on the counter and reached inside, pulling out a chocolate filled croissant. Halfway to bringing the treat to her mouth, she felt Kylo’s arms wrap around her middle from behind and fought the urge to lean back against his chest.

He moved her hair out of his way and rested his chin on her shoulder. “It’s not that I minded the proposition,” he murmured before putting his lips against her neck and gently kissing the skin there.

Rey’s eyes slid shut and she dropped her croissant to the counter. How could something that felt this domestic and perfect be so _wrong?_ She wondered. Why couldn’t Poe every hold her this way?

He continued as his hands slid down, feeling at her stomach and hips over the t-shirt, “I’ll make love to you if you want.” There was a promise in his voice and Rey shivered as he nuzzled the shell of her ear with his nose. “But not when you’re drunk.”

“Kylo, wait,” she said as his hands drifted down to the hem of her t-shirt, slowly inching it up.

Kylo obeyed and let go of her, crossing his arms and leaning against the island as he waited for her to turn around.

Rey grabbed her croissant and picked at it as she tried to calm her beating heart. She had never felt simultaneously turned on and terrified. And she knew for damn sure that she was never going to forget Kylo whispering in her ear that he would _make love_ to her with that voice. Another shiver went down her spine at the memory before she turned around and breathed, “We can’t...”

He smirked and pushed himself away from the island as he grabbed a mug from the shelf and told her, “I know.” After filling it with coffee, he asked, “Do you take cream or sugar?”

“A little cream,” Rey said quietly. She didn’t get it. Why was he being so calm? _How_ could he be so calm, Rey wondered. Her heart was still racing and she was almost afraid her legs would give out on her as she crossed the room and took the cup of coffee from his outstretched hands.

He was being _so_ confusing. She couldn’t figure out how he’d gone from yelling at her last time they’d kissed to simply being fine with letting her go a few minutes earlier. She was still thinking about it as he spared her a smile and went back to his computer.

*****  
  
Stepping away from Rey had been one of the hardest things Kylo had ever done. Part of him had been hoping that she would let him continue, that he would finally be able touch her. He was still half-hard as he went back to the dining room table and sat down.

The truth was, though, that he knew she would stop him. He may have been foolish to develop feelings for her, but he wasn’t foolish enough to think she’d suddenly change her mind. Rey wasn’t just going to drop Poe and Kylo knew that now.

Yelling at her had been his biggest mistake. Kylo understood Rey, probably better than she realized. He knew Poe was no good for her and he knew why it was hard for her to leave him. As much as he wanted to grab her and shake her and tell her how stupid she was being, he had learned his lesson.

If he wanted Rey, he needed to be patient. He had to wait until she realized on her own how wrong Poe was for her and that meant that he had to play the long game. And as hard as it was to stand by and let her run back to Poe, there was little else he could do.

Kylo had reached a couple of conclusions in the past twenty-four hours and those conclusions were the only things keeping him from crossing the room and taking Rey back into his arms. The first conclusion happened on his dinner date with Bazine, and that conclusion was that he was most definitely falling for Rey Johnson.

He’d never been so bored in his entire life. Bazine was beautiful, but she didn’t appreciate Kylo’s sense of humor, she wasn’t charming and candid like Rey. Her eyes weren’t warm and her smile didn’t light up the room. Every single man in New York would give his left arm to be on a date with Bazine Netal, but Kylo Ren was bored out of his mind. The invitation to go back to her apartment hadn’t even _tempted_ him. All he could think about the whole time was Rey and what she was doing.

The second conclusion he reached was that Rey was at least _beginning_ to fall for him. His first clue was that she had come to the meeting yesterday purposefully looking like a wet dream. For _his pleasure_. Despite the fact that she called him an asshole, ignored his calls, and tried to drop him as a designer, the fact remained that she wanted to look good for him. And the icing on the cake had been when she showed up at his doorstep, drunk and jealous.

God, she was so cute last night, Kylo smirked as he remembered her brazenly asking about his date. He wondered what she had planned to do if he _had_ invited Bazine back to his place.

Just the thought of Rey sitting in her apartment, drinking wine and stewing over his being with another woman made Kylo _so so so happy._ It gave him hope. Even if she wasn’t willing to admit she had feelings, he knew they were there.

He still had seven months for her to realize that marrying Poe would be a mistake. He could be patient until then because he felt genuine hope. And that hope was the only thing that kept him from losing his temper or getting caught up in passion and pushing Rey too far.

When Rey finally joined him at the table, he watched her eating for a moment as she looked around his dining room, “You have a lot of cookbooks. Do you cook a lot?”

Kylo nodded, turning his attention back to his computer screen. “Yeah, it’s relaxing.”

“Your spaghetti was really good,” Rey said before taking a sip of her coffee.

“Yeah. Next time I’ll make your favorite food. What do you like?” he asked, and if Rey thought his mention of a next time was forward, she said nothing.

“Beef Wellington?” Rey answered. “I had it for Christmas Eve once at the only foster home I liked.”

“I’ve never made it, but I’ll try,” Kylo told her. He wanted to know more about her foster home, but maybe she wasn’t comfortable enough to share. He’d take what he could get.

“What are you working on?” she asked, nodding at his computer.

“Oh, um, I’m trying to fix a mistake.”

“For work?” she asked as she finished her croissant and wiped her fingers on a napkin. It was distracting how attractive everything she did was.

He shook his head and tried not to focus on legs as she folded them underneath her on the chair. “No a personal mistake. The biggest one I’ve ever made.”

“Oh,” Rey frowned and looked unsure of herself as she asked, “Can I help at all?”

“I’m looking for a car.” He turned the computer screen towards Rey.

“A 1979 Trans Am?” Rey asked, leaning across the table to look at the screen.

Kylo nodded, “But I’m looking for a specific one.” He fidgeted and wondered how much he should actually tell Rey. “It was my dad’s,” he admitted. “I stole it and sold it when I was in high school.”

Rey blinked, “You stole Han’s car? And he didn’t kill you?”

“I ran away from home so I don’t know how angry he was about it, but I know he never forgave me for it.” It wasn’t his proudest moment, but if he wanted Rey to love him, then she had to know all of him.

“Yeah, Poe said you dropped out and left,” Rey told him and Kylo wondered how much of the story she already knew. Or how much Poe had embellished.

“I wish I’d never stolen that car.”

“Why did you do it?” Rey asked softly.

“I was angry,” Kylo said. He had never told _anyone_ this story. He doubted his parents had ever told anyone either. “I didn’t plan to go to college and I didn’t get good grades in school. My mom got me an admissions interview at Columbia and I didn’t go. I couldn’t. My grades weren’t good enough for ivy league and I thought it would be too humiliating to go to an interview I didn’t deserve. How could I talk myself up when there were kids with good grades who actually _wanted_ to be there? So I just skipped it.”

He continued, “My parents were so mad when I got home. My dad started yelling at me about why I couldn’t be more like Poe and my mom was crying and they were acting like the world would end if I didn’t go to college.”

“You were right though,” Rey said, and reached across the table to take Kylo’s hand. “You didn’t need Columbia. You’re so successful now. You should be proud of yourself.”

“I know and I am,” Kylo said. “But stealing that car was the biggest mistake I ever made. Maybe my dad would be proud of me too if he could get over the disappointment.”

Rey squeezed Kylo’s hand. “I’ll help,” she offered with a smile. “I’m good at doing research. We can make it a project.”

“Thank you, Rey,” he said and brought their joined hands to his lips, giving her knuckles a soft kiss. If he could have moments like this, moments where he felt cared for, he could be patient with Rey. There were two options here: lament on the fact that Rey was with another man, or rejoice in the fact that for once in his miserable life he had someone in his corner who accepted him for who he was, bad parts and all.  
  
Rey wasn’t scandalized by what he’d done. She’d even _comforted_ him. He couldn’t be angry at the situation when he was lucky to have her in whatever capacity she offered. All he felt for her in that moment was love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG You all went IN on Rey in the last chapter lol. Hopefully you're feeling a little better towards her after this one? It's all for the sake of character growth, people! XD


	11. October 2020 - Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tri-state area refers to New York/New Jersey/Connecticut

Friday October 16th, 2020

Rey’s schedule the past few weeks had consisted of work Monday through Friday, dinner and car research on Friday at Kylo’s and date night with Poe on Saturday. She shot Kylo a text message as she got off the subway to let him know she was on her way.

Rey desperately needed to get her mind off work and she’d been looking forward to tonight all week. Admittedly, she was still confused about Kylo’s behavior towards her. It was as if the fight they’d had after the kiss had never happened and she wasn’t entirely sure what that meant. She hadn’t forgotten about the way he’d yelled at her that day – or about the things he had said about her relationship with Poe.

All should not be forgiven so quickly, she knew and he’d technically never apologized for shouting and saying all of those awful things about Poe. If she were a good fiancee, she would defend her future husband. Then again, if she were a good fiancee, she wouldn’t be spending every Friday night with another man.

Not that Kylo was ‘another man’. Nothing had happened between them. Kylo had been a perfect gentleman apart from his offer to _make love_ to her. And even then, he’d stopped as soon as she’d asked him.

That wasn’t to say that perhaps their relationship was a touch on the inappropriate side. Sometimes his hands lingered too long on her shoulder or at her waist and the looks he gave her could be downright smoldering. And she wasn’t sure that she was any better. At times, she felt as though she was going out of her way to find excuses to brush against him or sit close. When she was in bed at night she couldn’t stop thinking about his arms around her and his lips on her neck. There were times when they were together when she’d wish he would just do it again.

She looked forward to their Friday nights together. Rey had never had many friends – she’d always found it difficult to get close to others. She hadn’t even held hands with someone until she met Finn freshman year. And now, since Rose and Finn got married, she didn’t get to see her best friend as often as she used to do. As weird as it was, Kylo Ren was really the closest friend she had at the moment.

Kylo’s apartment was a straight shot from the subway station so she barely had time to think before she was climbing the steps to his townhouse. “It smells so good in here,” Rey said as soon as Kylo opened the door. She took off her shoes and hung her coat before following him to the stairs.

Kylo smiled, “I have a surprise for you.” He lead downstairs and through the kitchen to the dining room, where he had set the dinner table with a beef wellington, roasted potatoes, salad and a couple of glasses of pinot noir.

Rey froze when she saw it and dropped her purse onto the floor. After such a shitty week, Rey wanted to just curl up in a ball and cry. There was no way Kylo knew how awful work had been and yet here he was, giving her exactly what she needed. She felt tears spring to her eyes as she took in the restaurant quality meal he had prepared for her.

“Rey?” Kylo asked, his voice full of worry. “What’s wrong?”

She shook her head and wiped her eyes on her sweater sleeve, “I just had such a terrible week at work.”

She was aware that she probably looked like a crazy person crying over a meal, but it didn’t seem to phase Kylo as he pulled her into a hug, tucking her head under his chin. There wasn’t anything sexual about the situation, so she refused to feel guilty as she wrapped her arms around his waist in return. As he ran his hands up and down her back soothingly, she almost felt a sense of wonder at how small and protected she felt in his arms. She buried her face against his chest and let his now familiar scent calm her down. Before the hug could become inappropriately long, he pulled back and looked down at her, “Come sit down. You can tell me about it.”

Rey nodded and sat down in her usual spot, wiping her face on her sleeve again before grabbing a knife and fork. She immediately cut into the beef wellington and shoved a large forkful into her mouth. “Oh God, its so good.”

Kylo smiled as he watched her eat, “So what happened at work?” He hadn’t even picked up his own fork yet, but Rey was coming to learn that he liked watching her eat his cooking just as much as she liked eating it.

Rey shrugged. “I got passed up for a big project at work again. I really wanted this one and had drawn up blueprints and pitched it to my boss and everything.”

Kylo nodded and finally started to eat his food, “He didn’t like your ideas?”

“I don’t know. I feel like he didn’t take it seriously,” Rey sighed. “And that’s not even the worst part. When we had the meeting with the client, he asked me to serve coffee while all the other guys got to present their ideas.” It still upset her enough as she thought about it, angrily shoving a potato into her mouth.

He set down his fork, “Does this happen often?”

“Treating me like a glorified secretary?” Rey asked. “Yeah.”

“Because you’re a woman?” Kylo asked for clarification.

“The only woman,” Rey confirmed. “I know I’ll get there eventually but its frustrating when I can’t even get my boss to treat me like everyone else.”

Kylo nodded, “Yeah it’s hard to catch a big break in a career dominated by the opposite sex.”

Rey supposed that was probably true of Kylo. As a straight man, it probably hadn’t been easy getting people to take him seriously. “You have the talent, though. Maybe that’s the difference between you and me.”

“That’s not true. You wouldn’t have gotten hired if you didn’t have the talent,” Kylo pointed out. “If your boss won’t recognize that, then find someone who will.”

Rey shrugged, non-committal. “Yeah maybe.”

“Rey,” Kylo said, pausing until she looked up from her plate at him. “I’m being serious. You deserve better than being treated like a waitress.”

Rey smiled, “I know you’re being serious. But some of us have bills to pay and can’t afford to just quit.”

He gave her a look, “If that’s the only thing keeping you from quitting, you have Poe. My mom. Me...”

“I can’t borrow money! I’ll never be able to pay it back,” Rey pointed out, her cheeks turning red.

“What are you talking about? You’re marrying Poe, you don’t have to pay him back. And my mom and I… we don’t care about money. When you have it, you don’t worry about it,” Kylo pointed out. “I know it’s hard to ask for help, but we all care about you. If that’s what you want to do, all you have to do is ask.”

Rey didn’t think someone who was born into wealth could understand her hesitance. Nothing came for free, and she wasn’t about to take something she couldn’t pay back. But it meant a lot to her just to know that there were people who cared enough about her to even offer. She finished up her dinner and reached for her glass of wine.

“Ideally, what do you want?” Kylo asked. “If money wasn’t an issue at all, what would you do with your career?”

“I’d start my own firm,” Rey answered easily. “I’d get out of multi-family homes and nonresidentials, maybe outside the city. Finn and I used to talk about it in school. I’d design the houses and he’d do the interiors.” She’d thought about it a lot, especially when she’d still been a starry-eyed student.

“Then you should do that,” Kylo said. “I was serious about the money. If you won’t accept it as a friend, then I’ll be an investor. Just make me a shareholder when you get the business public.” He paused when she said nothing and told her, “Just think about it, okay?”

Rey nodded, “I will.” She stood up and started clearing the dishes. They’d fallen into a routine the past couple of weeks: he’d cook dinner and she’d do the dishes after while he got started on researching the car in the living room.

After she finished loading the dishwasher, she joined him on the big comfy sectional couch in his living room. “Have you looked at all this week?” she asked as she grabbed a throw blanket and spread it over her lap.

“Yeah, I ruled out a couple more here in the city so I think it’s time to expand out search,” Kylo said as he moved the computer over so it was balanced on both of their knees. “I’m just hoping it didn’t leave the tri-state area.” He looked over at her, “Are you cold?”

“A little,” Rey admitted. “I heard back from a couple of collectors in the city. They’ll call me if they have any leads.” It had been Rey’s stroke of genius last week to get in touch with some of the vintage car clubs last week. If a private collector had the Trans Am, one of them would know.

Kylo turned on the fireplace and nodded. “Then I was thinking maybe posting about it on craigslist or something in Jersey? That’s the next most likely place it could have gone.” He opened a tab and started typing out a message, and Rey tried to keep her eyes open, but after a few minutes the lull to sleep was too strong.

*****  
  
Kylo was in the process of typing out a message when he felt Rey’s head fall onto his shoulder. He glanced at her from the corner of his eye and smirked. It seemed the emotional burden of her week had taken its toll.

He pulled the computer back onto his own lap and closed it – the typing would jostle her too much. He wondered if she’d be embarrassed or upset if he didn’t wake her, but she probably needed the sleep and he hated to disturb her. Plus, she was awfully cute using him as her own personal pillow.

He’d let her rest for just an hour or so, Kylo told himself, leaning back to get comfortable.

So far, he was pleased with how his plan was going. He hadn’t scared Rey away again and as a reward, she was growing closer and more comfortable with him.

There was, however, a fatal flaw in the plan and that was the risk of being ‘friend zoned’ by Rey. Their hug earlier had made him realize that letting Rey get _too_ comfortable around him was just as much a mistake as yelling at her had been. He was beginning to understand that it was a difficult game to play: he needed to tread between being a gentleman so as to keep her close, but be aggressive enough that she understood he desired more from her.

Once he was sure she was asleep, he maneuvered her into his arms gently and laid back on the sofa. With her head resting against his chest now, he pulled the blanket over both of them and closed his own eyes.

*****

  
Rey woke up feeling oddly disoriented – she had no idea what time it was or even where she was. The room was almost unbearably warm and she tried to shrug the sleep off of her so she could take off the sweater she’d fallen asleep in. She struggled to sit up until she realized there were a pair of arms wrapped tightly around her.

Then she remembered where she was and lifted her head off of Kylo’s chest. “Kylo,” she said, with a scratchy sleep voice. “Kylo, wake up.”

He stirred underneath her and after blinking his eyes open, he untangled his arms from hers before sitting up. The motion caused her to tumble backwards and he caught her by the elbows, effectively pulling her into his lap. “What time is it?” he asked through a yawn.

“Not sure,” she mumbled, flushing at their proximity. She wondered if he’d even noticed what a position they were sitting in at the moment. When their eyes met, she was pretty sure he _had_ noticed because his eyes dropped to her lips at the same time his hands went to her waist. There was no time to even stop him before he leaned down to kiss her.

Instead of pushing him away, she found herself sighing into the kiss and opening her mouth to him as soon as his tongue brushed against the seam of her lips. She wasn’t sure what happened to her brain whenever she kissed Kylo, but all thoughts of Poe seemed to vanish completely. Maybe that was because Poe had never kissed her like she was oxygen he needed to breath to survive.

That was it, she thought, as Kylo’s hand slid under her sweater. Kylo was all passion or maybe she was and he just brought it out in her, she wasn’t sure. The reason she fell into it, why she could forget all about Poe, was because the passion was a part of her as much as it was a part of Kylo.

She tangled her fingers into Kylo’s hair, leaning up and into him, even as her brain was telling her heart to stop it before it was too late. Her skin felt hot under Kylo’s fingers as they crawled up her bare back to pull her further onto his lap. When she felt him hard against her, she moaned into the kiss, but finally found the will to pull away. Her hands moved to cup his face and she pulled back. Their faces were close enough still that the temptation to pull him back in was almost unbearable.

“We have to stop?” Kylo asked and Rey nodded as his hand slid out of her sweater. He said nothing else as she slid off his lap and ran a hand through her hair. Next to her, Kylo fished his phone out of where it was wedged between the couch cushions. “It’s 2 in the morning.”

“Shit, I have to go,” Rey said, scrambling off the couch.

“Let me walk you home,” Kylo said, following her as she climbed the stairs.

“That’s okay,” Rey said, needing to put some space between them.

He grabbed her hand, “It’s late. You shouldn’t walk home alone.”

She nodded as she put her jacket on. “Okay.” She wasn’t sure what to say to him, or if they should even talk. More than anything, she wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and consider the whole thing an accident. He’d stopped right away, hadn’t pushed or made her feel guilty about any of it. She knew that she shouldn’t just keep brushing it off, but she also didn’t want to lose Kylo Ren as a friend.

She waited as he tied his shoes, knowing that she was being selfish. The healthy thing to do would be to just let him go. She wouldn’t have to feel guilty about cheating on Poe and he wouldn’t have to be strung along. She wasn’t being fair to anyone involved – herself included.

He locked up the door as he followed her down the steps and for the first block that they walked, neither of them talked. Finally she turned to him and asked, “What are we doing, Kylo?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, what was that?” Rey felt like she was in a constant state of confusion around him. One minute they were friends and the next they were all over each other on the sofa. Their relationship cycled from gentle friendship, to passion, to anger between them and it made her head spin.

“We both know what that was,” Kylo told her and the answer annoyed her.

“I can’t be around you if this is going to keep happening,” Rey told him. “I’m getting married.”

“You keep saying that, Rey,” Kylo gritted out and she could tell he was doing his best to not yell. “I’m not going to pretend I don’t feel something for you. All I can promise is that I’ll do my best not to get carried away.”

She didn’t know how to feel about that. She wanted to yell at him to try harder to pretend. Things would be easy if he pretended. But she also knew it was selfish of her to ask that of him.

As if reading her mind, he told her, “If you don’t want to be around me anymore, I’ll understand. We can go back to Phasma taking over your dress and us not talking. But I’m not going to apologize for having feelings for you. So if you want me in your life, you’re just going to have to accept that I’ll always want more from you.”

Rey shook her head, “Even if I was that selfish, why would you do that to yourself? How is that fair to you?”

Kylo shrugged, “Life’s never been very fair to me, Rey. I’d rather feel something than nothing at all.”

“I don’t understand you,” Rey said, feeling tears prick at her eyes. She didn’t know why, but something about his words got under her skin. She stopped to wipe the tears from her eyes with the cuff of her sleeve.

“That’s okay because I understand you,” he told her. “This is you, right?” he asked with a nod towards the building they’d come to a stop in front of.

Rey nodded, still confused by their conversation.

“I’ll see you next Friday?” he asked and Rey found herself nodding. “Goodnight, Rey,” he said before kissing the top of her head.

“Goodnight,” she repeated, as she punched in her building code and squeezed in through the door. She watched him through the frosted glass, waiting until he disappeared from view before climbing the stairs to her apartment.

Once she got into her apartment, she left her purse, coat and shoes in a pile on the floor and didn’t even bother changing before crawling into bed. Rey had never felt so tired in her life, but when she closed her eyes she just kept thinking about Kylo’s words.

*****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really really reeeeeeally sorry to say that for the next couple of weeks, I won't be able to update daily. I really thought I'd be done with this story by now so I could focus on my final project for class but the story is taking longer than I thought. I'm still going to try to update every other day or at least three times weekly though.
> 
> Follow me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/jeeaysee0925) if you want to know the very minute I update!


	12. October 2020 - Part 2

Saturday October 17th, 2020

Rey woke up the next morning with the kind of headache that only comes with mental exhaustion. If not for the sound of her phone ringing across the room, she would have rolled back over and went to sleep.

Instead, she pulled herself out of bed and fished around in her purse for her phone. By the time she managed to dig it out, the call had already dropped but she could see it was Poe so she called right back.

“Hey,” he said as soon as he picked up. “Did I wake you up?”

“Yeah, but I’ve slept in long enough. What’s up?” Rey asked.

“Just wondering if you wouldn’t mind coming over here tonight. I have some work to do this morning and it might be nice to just hang out the two of us,” her fiance proposed.

“Sure, that sounds good. I can pick something up on the way over. Any requests?”

“Chinese?”

“Sounds good. I’ll be there around 7,” Rey promised.

After hanging up, she flopped back onto her bed and her mind went immediately to Kylo and last night. Rey felt like she was living someone else’slife. When had she gone from a poor orphan to the object of affection for not one but _two_ attractive and wealthy men? Maybe she’d fallen asleep watching a Hallmark movie and she was having some kind of twisted dream.

She brought her fingers to her lips and even though it had been hours since she’d kissed Kylo, she could still feel his lips on hers. She refused to compare kisses between Kylo and Poe, but she thought that there was a different emotion behind each of them.

Poe’s kisses made her feel cared for and sometimes even cherished. He felt safe, and while she would never describe her feelings towards him as _desire_ , he was the only man she’d ever been with. She liked being with him physically, but she didn’t feel like she _needed_ it. The whole time she’d thought that was what sex was – something you did to feel close to another person.

Kylo was a different story altogether. She didn’t feel safe with him. In fact, Kylo felt dangerous. When he kissed her, she didn’t want him to stop. All she felt was need and it scared her what it would be like if there was nothing stopping her, if her brain didn’t keep going back to Poe. She knew Kylo would never hurt her, he’d proven that by stopping every time she’d asked. But she’s also felt the intensity of his want in the way he’d kissed her and touched her last night. He’d said as much – that he wanted more from her.

She didn’t know if what was scarier to her: that someone could want her that intensely or the thought of losing Poe.

Sighing, she pulled herself back out of bed and searched her dresser for something to wear. Tonight was date night with Poe and she was determined not to think about Kylo. Poe deserved that much, at least.

*****

When Rey got to Poe’s penthouse, she put the bags of Chinese food on the counter and let Poe pull her into a hug, “Hey babe, I’m just finishing up some work.”

“I brought food,” Rey said, pulling the take-out cartons of the the plastic bag. “Why don’t you eat first and then you can finish your work?” She grabbed a couple of plates from the kitchen cabinets.

“You look tired,” Poe commented as she sat on the stool next to him.

She nodded and dumped so lo mein onto her plate. “Rough week at work. I got passed up for another project.”

Poe took the carton from her and filled his own plate, “Well you’ll only have to deal with it for a few more months.”

Rey paused, her chopsticks halfway to her mouth. “What do you mean?”

“Well, you can quit after we get married. You won’t have to work,” Poe pointed out.

“I _want_ to work,” Rey said, her brows furrowing in confusion. They’d never _once_ talked about her quitting after they were married. She didn’t go to school for four years to quit after less than two years of full time work.

“Well, but you’re never happy,” Poe pointed out. “I’m just saying that if you’re miserable you don’t have to keep doing it.”

“I’m not _miserable_ ,” Rey argued. She didn’t feel miserable, anyway, but maybe he saw something that she didn’t. “I’m just never given the opportunity to prove myself because I’m a woman.”

“Oh, come on,” Poe laughed. “I’m sure that’s not it. You’re just one of the junior architects right now. Your chance will come.”

“It is true. They made me serve coffee at the meeting. And Jason was hired the same time as me and he’s been put on three major projects this year.” She stabbed a piece of sesame chicken and popped it in her mouth.

“Maybe Jason is a better architect,” Poe pointed out.

Ouch. The thought had occurred to Rey, of course, but she’d seen Jason’s work and she _knew_ he wasn’t better. It was all boring, derivative and safe. She was a better architect than Jason and Poe’s words were hurtful not just because they were blunt, but because it made her feel like he had no faith in her talent.

“Come on,” Poe put an arm around her and shook her playfully. “Cheer up.”

Rey didn’t feel like talking about it anymore, so she diverted the attention, “How was your week?”

“Good,” Poe said, glad to have the attention on him. “We had a pre-trial hearing this week.”

Rey tried to focus on what Poe was saying, but it was all lawyer jargon so really she was just nodding along as she let her mind wander.

Poe laughed. “I’m boring you, aren’t I?”

“No!” Rey blushed. “I’m just really tired. Sorry.”

“It’s okay. Why don’t you go take a bath and I’ll finish up my work and then we can head to bed?” Poe suggested.

She nodded and cleaned up their dinner, storing the leftovers in Poe’s nearly empty fridge. She’d do some shopping for him in the morning before she went home. By the time everything was put away, Poe was back to his spot on the couch, reading case files. He gave her a smile and she ruffled his hair as she walked past him to the bathroom.

The _only_ thing Rey liked about Poe’s apartment was his bathtub and the view of the city from it. As she let it fill, she realized that she’d left her phone on the counter. Usually, she’d play on her phone in the bath, but she was tired enough that just closing her eyes and relaxing sounded good.

As she slipped into the warm water, it was difficult not to compare Poe and Kylo’s reactions to her issues at work. Poe was so blase about the entire thing, hadn’t even tried to sympathize or comfort her. On top of that, the only advice he’d given her was to quit after they got married.

_That_ was a suggestion that literally came from nowhere and Rey was worried. Had he been expecting her to quit – did he _want_ her to? And what would she do even if she did quit? The only reason she’d have to stop working would be if she were to get pregnant, so perhaps that meant that Poe wanted to start on a family right away.

Rey wasn’t sure that was what she wanted. Kids, yes of course, when the time was right. After she got her architect firm established, where she could work from home and still take care of the kids. She had never even imagined that Poe would have an issue with her working full time once they were married. Leia was his boss and she’d been working for over thirty years.

She knew that they should talk about it more, but there was a part of her that was nervous. What if he really _did_ want her to quit and get pregnant right away? She knew that wasn’t what she wanted, but she also didn’t know if she’d be able to deny Poe. He’d be a good provider and a good dad, she knew, and that was a big reason why she was marrying him.

She just hadn’t planned on it all happening so soon. She’d thought that she would have more time to work, to spend time as a newly wed. And honestly, she wasn’t sure she was emotionally ready to be a mother. At this point in her life, she’d be giving up a lot of things. What if she ended up resenting her baby?

The bath was turning out to be less relaxing than Rey had planned so she pulled the plug and got out. In her rush to get into the bath, she realized she’d also forgotten to bring her pajamas to the bathroom. Wrapping a towel around herself, she stepped into the living room.

“What is this?” Poe asked, holding up her phone.

She crossed the room, taking the phone and glancing at the notification on the screen: a text message from Kylo. “Oh,” was all she said. She swiped the screen and read the full message. _‘Found a lead in Connecticut. Want to come with?’_

“What is going on, Rey?” Poe asked. “Why does Kylo want you to go with him to Connecticut?”

“Why are you reading my text messages?” Rey asked defensively, not realizing how guilty that made her sound.

“Are you seeing Kylo behind my back?” This was the first time Poe had ever raised his voice at her.

Rey blinked at him, “No, we’re friends. That’s it.”

“That’s it? Why were you hiding it, Rey?”

“Because you’re such a fan,” Rey said sarcastically. “You called him a psycho last time you saw him.”

“Because he’s a psycho,” Poe said. “I don’t want you hanging around with him. And you’re definitely not going to fucking _Connecticut_.”

Rey could feel herself getting mad, not only on her account but for Kylo as well. “You’re telling me who I get to be friends with?”

“No, I’m telling you who you _can’t_ be friends with,” Poe argued.

Rey could feel tears stinging her eyes and she wiped them away quickly. “I should go.”

“No, we need to talk about this,” Poe stepped in front of her, blocking her way. “You don’t know Ben Solo like I do.”

“No, Poe. You don’t know Kylo Ren like I do. It’s been over ten years since you’ve known him,” Rey pointed out. She wasn’t sure why she was so adamantly defending Kylo. Poe had every reason to be wary of the other man. Kylo made no secret about his feelings for Rey, didn’t try to hide or deny them.

“How long have you been seeing him?”

“I’m not _seeing_ him. We’re friends,” Rey reiterated.

“What else am I supposed to think with how upset you’re getting?” Poe pointed out. “You’re crying, Rey.”

“I don’t have many friends, Poe. Finn and Rose are in their own world, you work all the time, and that’s literally it!” Rey said, wiping her eyes furiously. “He’s been a good friend to me.” Except for the fact that he’d kissed her several times and put her in a constant state of confusion about

her engagement to Poe.

Poe groaned, “You couldn’t have found any other friends?”

Rey wiped her eyes again, “I know you don’t like him, but he’s nice to me. He’s funny and thoughtful and--”

“I don’t _trust_ him, Rey,” Poe said and the unspoken words that she shouldn’t either hung in the air.

Rey knew that she should be listening to Poe. He was right to be worried about Kylo. Instead, she told him, “You can trust me.”

“I know. I just don’t want you getting taken advantage of,” Poe said, bringing a hand up to Rey’s cheek. “Promise you’ll tell me if he tries anything.”

Rey nodded and bit her lip, looking away with guilt. Now would be the time to tell him everything that had already happened between her and Kylo, and yet it wasn’t even an option. She was afraid of the questions Poe would ask and the conclusions he would come to about their relationship. What would he think if he knew that she’d gone back to Kylo three times when she should have broken things off after their first kiss?

“I’m sorry. I trust you,” Poe said and kissed her forehead. “Now what’s in Connecticut?”

“Oh, don’t tell Leia but Kylo is looking for Han’s old car and I’ve been trying to help,” Rey explained.

“The one he stole?” Poe asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah, he thinks it’ll help Han forgive him,” Rey explained, though she had an odd sense that she was betraying Kylo by telling Poe this.

“Well, that’s better than what I was thinking. Are you going to go?” Poe said.

“Am I allowed to?” she asked in return.

“Well, you’ll probably cry again if I say no,” Poe teased and put an arm around her. “Now what do you say we head to bed and you show me what’s under that towel?” She laughed as he waggled his eyebrows comically and followed him to his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry there's no Kylo in this chapter XD See you on Saturday!  
> Follow me on my [twitter](https://twitter.com/jeeaysee0925) for updates!


	13. November 2020

_Saturday November 7 th, 2020 – 6 months before the wedding_

Fall was in full swing in New York and Rey fell in love with the city all over again – the inescapable summer humidity was gone and finally she could go back to jeans and oversized sweaters and hunkering down with a hot cup of tea. Fall was definitely Rey’s favorite season.

As Poe’s case grew closer to trial, their date nights became more sporadic and so Rey found herself with a lot more free time on the weekends. Now that her fiance was aware of her friendship with Kylo, Rey no longer felt like she was sneaking around but the downside to Poe’s knowledge was that he made a ridiculous amount of calls and texts whenever he knew that she was with Kylo.

Kylo was back to being a perfect gentleman after their exchange a few weeks prior, probably due in part to Poe’s constant checking in. He hadn’t tried to kiss her or even talk about his feelings, much to Rey’s relief.

They’d spent Halloween night together, huddled together on the sofa watching scary movies and giving candy to trick or treaters – much to Kylo’s chagrin and Rey’s delight. Something about the holiday made Kylo ornery, perhaps the constant interruptions or the invasion of privacy as dozens of children oohed and ahhed over his townhouse. Kylo, she was beginning to realize, was a bit of a grump. She shouldn’t find it so charming, the way he frowned and perfunctorily dropped full-sized candy bars into outstretched bags. She thought at first maybe he didn’t like kids, but then she’d caught him trying to hide a smile at a child dressed like Darth Vader and Rey had no idea why it was all so endearing.

A week Halloween, the collector with the car in Connecticut was finally able to meet with them. She met Kylo at his apartment at nine, with two cups of coffee in hand – delighted to finally see him in jeans and a sweater.

“You’re cheery this morning,” Kylo noted as he unlocked his car door.

“You’re wearing _jeans_ ,” she handed him his cup of coffee with a smile as she slid into the passenger seat.

He raised an eyebrow, “And that makes you cheery?”

“Kind of,” Rey agreed with an amused smirk.

“You’re a very strange woman.”

Rey grinned and sipped at her coffee, “Where are we headed then?”

*****  
  
Kylo had been trying his hardest to be on his best behavior around Rey. He’d made his intentions and desires clear and let the chips fall where they may. There were several ways that decision could have gone, he’d been so scared that it would send Rey screaming. Instead, apart from physical intimacy, it almost felt like he and Rey were _dating_. In fact, she was spending more time with him than she was with her fiance and as horrible as it sounded, Kylo was giddy. And now, for the second Saturday in a row, they were spending all day together.

Although he loved his job, and his life, he hadn’t realized how empty his life had been before Rey. Kylo was a strict believer in the whole “it’ll happen when it happens” philosophy of dating. He’d never actively sought out relationships and just trusted that he’d meet the right person when it was his time.

Nothing in his life had ever been that simple, though, and it was just his luck that when he finally met the right person, she would already be spoken for. He was terrified of how this could all turn out. Maybe Rey would never leave Dameron for him. Having faith was all he could do for himself. He needed to trust that Rey would see the light eventually.

In the meantime, he would enjoy as much of herself as she was willing to give him. And he definitely was enjoying the way she was singing along to the radio, telling him stupid stories, asking him about his week.

When they pulled up to a farmhouse a couple or hours later, Rey was still regaling him with a story about her friend Finn’s 21st birthday when he got so drunk he stripped naked and climbed a tree in central park and she had to call the fire department to get him down. The story itself wasn’t particularly funny, but she could only get a few words out each time before bursting into another round of laughter.

A man, probably around Kylo’s age, met them in the driveway as they got out of the car. “Here to see the car, right?”

Kylo nodded, “Yeah. How long have you had it?”

“The car was my dad’s,” the man explained. “Bought it back in 2015 before he died. Follow me.” He led Rey and Kylo to an outbuilding on the back of the property and he slid the door open.

Kylo walked in and put his hand on the hood. “Is this it?” Rey asked, following him as he peered in through the windshield.

“This is it,” Kylo said quietly, pointing at the pair of lucky dice hanging from the rear view mirror. He turned to the owner, “Do you have the keys? Can we take it out for a test drive?”

He nodded and pulled the keys out of his pocket. “Not sure how she’s running, but go for it.”

Kylo felt himself shaking with excitement. After months of looking, he’d finally found the car and with plenty of time to get it ready for Christmas. Words couldn’t describe the relief he felt as he put the key into the ignition. Han’s forgiveness was within reach.

Rey reached across the console and grabbed his hand. “You did it.”

He wanted to tell Rey that he couldn’t have done it without her help, but he was feeling too emotional to even get the words out. He squeezed her hand and turned the key, grinning as the car started. “We’ll be back in twenty minutes,” he told the owner after rolling down the window.

Rey contented herself with fiddling around the console, making sure the window cranks and air conditioner worked. “Everything seems to be working,” she said excitedly once they were a few miles down the road.

Kylo nodded. “Yeah, hopefully she won’t need too much work. I’ll bring it into a garage once we get back to the city.” He paused, “On second thought...”

“What?” Rey asked as she fiddled with the radio.

“It feels like the transmission is slipping,” Ben explained as he switched gears. “Looks like the car will need work after all.” The words were barely out of his mouth before the engine began sputtering. “Shit.”

“What happened?” Rey asked as Kylo pulled off to the side of the road.

“Engine stalled,” he said and pulled out his phone. “I’ve got no service. You?”

Rey pulled her phone out of her bag, “Nope, me neither.”

Kylo turned off the ignition and leaned back in his seat, “Well, I guess we’re stuck until someone comes looking for us.”

“Shouldn’t be too long,” Rey pointed out. “You told him we’d be back in twenty minutes.”

He nodded and put his phone on the dashboard, “I guess we just wait.”

“How many missed calls and text messages do you think I’ll have from Poe when I get service again?” she joked, though her voice held some actual concern.

“Why _does_ he all of a sudden check in with you all the time?” He’d noticed that all of a sudden Poe Dameron had become a hovering nuisance in their relationship.

“Only when he knows I’m with you,” Rey said. “He doesn’t trust you.”

“Hmm, sounds like he doesn’t trust you,” Kylo pointed out.

“That’s not true,” Rey disagreed. “Not that he has reason to trust me. I probably shouldn’t be spending so much time with you.”

They’d never talked about this and Kylo sensed that it could go very poorly if he wasn’t careful. He could put the pressure on and ask her why she was hanging around with him or he could try to alleviate some of the guilt she was feeling. “You’re allowed to have friends,” he said, deciding on the second option.

She didn’t say anything, just turned her head and looked out the window. Kylo thought maybe he’d said the wrong thing after all, so he changed the subject. “Han used to call this car The Falcon.”

Rey turned back to him, “Because the fire bird on the hood?”

“Yeah,” Kylo nodded. “Man, he loved this car.”

“He’s gonna be so excited when he sees it,” Rey agreed. “You should film his reaction. I wish I could see it.”

“You should come to Christmas dinner,” he offered. “The more people there, the better.” Kylo had learned that the more people who came, the less family drama would be brought up.

“I’m sure Poe already has plans for us,” Rey said.

“Well, he’s invited too, obviously. My parents love him.” He tried his hardest not to sound bitter over that fact. It was what it was. But maybe if he gave his dad the car and everything could finally be forgiven, maybe he could be the Golden Boy for once.

“Oh, sure. I’ll ask him about it then.”

“Good,” Kylo smiled. “It’d be nice to have someone to talk to there. I’m sure my parents will invite all their friends too.” He checked his phone reception again. “Still no reception.”

“Me neither,” Rey said and leaned back. “We should play a game or something to pass the time.”

“Hmm, 20 questions? I spy?”

“Truth or Dare?” Rey grinned.

Kylo raised an eyebrow, “If we’re going to play junior high games, how about 7 minutes in heaven?”

Rey shot him an unimpressed look before ignoring his suggestion, “You go first. Truth or dare?”

“Dare,” Kylo answered easily.

Rey grinned and dug a pen out of her purse, “I dare you to draw a mustache on your face and leave it for the rest of the day.”

Kylo gave her a look, “No.”

“You picked dare!” She laughed.

“That’s stupid. You’re supposed to pick something fun like ‘I dare you to take your pants off’. I’m not drawing a mustache,” he argued.

“You should have picked truth then,” Rey said, uncapping the pen and leaning over to take his chin in her hand. She laughed as he tried to wrestle the pen away but finally managed to draw a pencil thin mustache above his lip.

“Fine. It’s your turn then, truth or dare?” Kylo grinned, hoping she’d pick dare.

“Truth,” she answered, giving him a look like she knew what he was thinking.

“Hmm.” He thought about what question to ask her. If he got _too_ risque, Rey might shrink away. In any case, this was the perfect opportunity to ask her personal questions without repercussions. Finally, he settled on, “When did you lose your virginity?”

Rey blushed, “I’m not telling you that!”

“You picked truth!” He threw her words back at her with a grin.

“Fine,” she crossed her arms over her chest. “A year and a half ago.”

Kylo blinked. “No shit. That means...” She’d only ever been with Poe. “You lost your virginity to Poe?” For some reason, that pissed him off more than he knew was fair.

“Yes. Don’t you dare laugh at me,” she muttered, her face flushing.

“I wasn’t laughing. I’m just… shocked,” Kylo admitted. He wondered if that was part of the reason why Rey was so attached to the idea of Poe.

“It’s not like I didn’t mess around before that,” Rey defended herself. “I just never really had a serious boyfriend and it didn’t happen until I met Poe..”

“You don’t have to explain. I’m not judging you,” Kylo said quickly. “You and Poe are just such a weird couple. He lost his virginity in like 8th grade.”

“I don’t want to hear about it!” Rey crossed her arms again. “You’re probably not much better.”

Kylo shrugged, “At least I waited until high school. Anyway, I was never popular like he was. Girls threw themselves at him. I couldn’t get a girl to look twice at me unless we were both stoned.” It was meant to be a joke, but there was truth to it.

Rey gave him a sad look and then commented, “Well, the tables are turned now. You have girls like Bazine Netal and Jennifer Lawrence throwing themselves at you and Poe’s stuck with me.”

Kylo gave her a look, “Poe’s still getting the better deal.”

Rey rolled her eyes at him, “You are literally the only person that would think that. Anyway, truth or dare?”

“Obviously I’m going to pick truth this time,” he gestured to the mustache on his face

“Okay, when was the last time you had sex?”

Kylo counted backwards in his head. “Six months ago. The month we met,” Kylo pointed out at the risk of making her uncomfortable. He was honest if nothing else and he found that he wanted her to know that he hadn’t been with anyone else since he’d laid eyes on her.

“Oh,” she fell silent before following up with, “Why?”

“There’s only one person I want to sleep with,” Kylo told her and the look he gave her was heated.

She shifted in her seat, rubbing her thighs together, and said again, “Oh.”

“Truth or dare?” he asked.

“Truth,” she said, looking relieved as he changed the subject.

“Do you ever think about sleeping with me?” It was hard for him to believe that she didn’t with the way she kissed him.

“Never mind, I pick dare,” she said quickly, her face going red.

“Then I dare you to kiss me,” he requested with a grin.

“Kylo,” she warned.

“You could just answer the question.”

“It doesn’t matter if I do or not because it’ll never happen,” she told him with a pointed look.

“So then that’s a yes,” Kylo said with a laugh.

Rey didn’t look amused, “Are you a masochist or something? Do you enjoy torturing yourself?”

“I’m fine,” he told her, brushing off her concern. “Does it bother you though? That Poe is the only person you’ll ever sleep with?”

Rey shrugged, “I don’t know. I guess it’s not that important to me. The sex I mean.”

“Oh, so then it’s bad sex,” Kylo teased.

“I wouldn’t know, would I? I have nothing to compare it to,” Rey shot back, sticking out her tongue.

Kylo smirked, “Well, I can help you out there.”

“Why is this a joke to you?” Rey asked. “You are the most frustratingly confusing person I’ve ever met.”

“Am I?” He didn’t feel like he was being frustrating or confusing. He’d been completely honest about his attraction to her. If anyone should feel frustrated, it was him!

“Yes!” Rey said. “You come on to me, then treat me like a friend, joke about sleeping with me knowing that I have no intention to… I just don’t know what to think about you!”

“Are you trying to ask me how I feel about you?” Kylo wondered. Maybe he was sending mixed signals unintentionally. He didn’t understand how his feelings for her weren’t clear, but maybe she thought he was only interested in her for sex. “Would it make you feel less frustrated if I told you that I have feelings for you?”

“No you don’t,” Rey tried brushing him off.

“Yes I do, Rey. I think about you all the time,” he confessed. “I miss you when you’re not around. I’ve felt alone for a long time and I don’t when I’m with you. I don’t have to say anything to you and you understand me like no one ever has. It’s not that I’m after you for sex. We have something more special than that.” He reached across and took her hand, “And I understand you too, Rey. I’ll be as patient as you need me to be, I’ll give you whatever you want from me.”

He brought her hand to his mouth and brushed his lips against her knuckles as she blinked at him, “Kylo...”

They were interrupted as a tap came from the passenger window and Rey quickly rolled it down. “You guys stuck?” The police officer asked.

“Yeah, could we get a tow?” Kylo asked, effectively putting an end to the serious conversation. He glanced at Rey and gave her a quick smile before pulling the keys out of the ignition.

*****

Rey was still reeling from Kylo’s words as they waited for a tow truck to take them back to the owner’s farm. She knew that she would have to say something to him on the ride back, she just wasn’t sure what she wanted to say.

The problem was that she’d been convincing herself that Kylo was only interested in her for sex and that there was just a strong physical attraction between them. She couldn’t go on telling herself that, not when Kylo had told her he had _feelings_ for her. Truthfully, it did make Rey less frustrated and confused because she knew where he stood finally.

But it also _hurt._

And now she was confused about why it hurt so much to hear those words. She tried asking herself if it was because she couldn’t return his feelings, but she knew that wasn’t it. Rey wanted to be around Kylo as much as he wanted to be around her and a good majority of her brain was dedicated to thoughts of him. She knew there was truth to his words because as much as she didn’t want to lead him on, she really did understand him.

She understood his loneliness, his desire to be loved and accepted by his parents, she even understood his anger – the same anger that caused Poe to call him psycho. Rey understood it all because she felt the same things sometimes and that meant that what he said was right, that he understood her too.

Maybe that was why it hurt, she continued wondering even as Kylo cut the check for the car and paid the tow-truck to haul it back to the city. She kept thinking about it as she got into Kylo’s car and as they drove back to the city almost in silence except for the radio. Even when he pulled up in front of her apartment and they said their goodbyes, she kept wondering if it hurt because she was marrying someone who didn’t understand her the way Kylo did.

*****  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. This chapter really didn't want to come out! But on the plus side, Rey's really starting to come to her senses!
> 
> Also, I hit a couple more milestones with this chapter! 300+ kudos and 40k+ words! Thank you so much to everyone who leaves kudos and comments. It makes my morning to wake up and see all those notifications in my email! <3


	14. December 2020

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Kylo's suit](https://imgur.com/a/tC4ZFaF) | [Rey's dress](https://imgur.com/a/wAFQVBF)
> 
> Also, please note that the rating has changed to explicit and that I've added a content warning.

_December 2020 – 5 months until the wedding_

Christmas at the Organa-Solo house was an affair, Rey was realizing. What she had been expecting was a small family affair, but what she’d walked into was a party in full swing. She’d been to Leia’s house several times and it was just as impressive every time. This was the first time she’d seen it so full and lively, however, and as she looked around at all of the people dressed to the nines, she was glad she’d gone all out this evening.

“Rey! Poe!” Leia greeted them as they entered the foyer. “I’m so glad you two could make it. Let me take your coats.” She held out her arms as Rey slid her jacket off. “Don’t you look beautiful,” Leia complimented.

Rey blushed, “Thank you, Leia.”

“Ben, doesn’t she look beautiful?” Leia commented as Kylo came down the staircase.

“Always,” Kylo said, sending Rey a wink.

Poe handed Kylo his jacket with a glare and Leia carefully placed Rey’s in his arms as well, “Why don’t you go put these upstairs with the rest?”

“I’ll be right back. I’m on jacket duty tonight, apparently,” Kylo joked and Rey watched him go, trying to contain the blush .

“What are you wearing?” Poe asked, finally looking over at his fiancee with wide eyes.

“A dress. Why?” Rey looked down at herself. She’d spent a lot of money on this dress, wanting to fit in with Kylo and his family.

“Don’t you think it’s a little...” Poe trailed off, shrugging out of his suit jacket.

“A little what?” Rey asked, frowning as Poe put his jacket over Rey’s shoulders.

“You know. People are going to think I brought an escort,” Poe joked.

Rey frowned and looked down at the floor, not noticing that Kylo had come down the staircase just in time to hear the end of the conversation, “We can’t all dress like it’s bingo night at the retirement home.”

Poe put an arm around Rey. He nodded behind him at the arrival of some new guests, “Looks like you have some more coats to check.” He sent Kylo a glare as if he knew every single thought running through his head at the sight of Rey in that black dress.

Rey let Poe lead her away only to get dragged into a conversation with one of his co-workers, or maybe it was a client – she couldn’t be sure when she’d zoned out midway through some boring conversation and it wasn’t until the man was excusing himself that Rey realized Poe was frowning at her. “What?”

“That was very rude, Rey,” Poe pointed out. “That was one of the partners at the firm and he was trying to talk to you.”

“Oh, sorry,” Rey looked at him sheepishly. “You started talking about work and I zoned out. I didn’t understand any of it.”

Poe heaved a long sigh and grabbed her shoulders turning her a bit roughly to face him. “This is an important party. If I make a good impression here, I’m one step closer to making senior partner, ok? I didn’t bring you along for you to be rude to my co-workers.”

Rey bit the inside of her cheek, feeling herself flush with anger and embarrassment. Poe didn’t need to act like he was doing her some favor in bringing her along. In fact, Kylo had personally invited her to the party. She wasn’t just some plus one and she definitely didn’t deserve to be scolded like a child where everyone could hear. Looking around, she caught Kylo’s eyes and couldn’t help but notice the way he was glaring at Poe on her behalf. “Sorry I’m embarrassing you,” Rey sniffed, trying to blink away the tears gathering in the corners of her eyes.

“I didn’t say that,” Poe began, but Rey was already brushing past him and she knew without looking that he wasn’t even going to come after her. All she needed was a few minutes to just pull herself together and then she would rejoin the party, she told herself as she climbed the stairs to the second floor of the house.

It was quiet upstairs and she knew that was probably a sign that she shouldn’t be up there, but she needed a little bit of quiet. She pushed open the first few doors she came across, peering inside curiously. On her fourth try, she knew she’d found Kylo’s old room and flicked on the light, letting herself inside. The first thing she did was shrug off Poe’s suit coat and toss it on to the bed.

If she got caught here, she knew he wouldn’t be upset with her, even if she was committing some kind of social faux pas by snooping. Rey took her time, opening his closet, which was stuffed full of a combination of school uniforms and black clothes, before moving onto his CD collection. She smirked, having guessed that it would be full of emo music, as if the old Panic! At the Disco poster on the wall wasn’t indication enough.

When Kylo finally joined her, she was standing at his dresser and looking through his old bottles of cologne. Their eyes met in the mirror hanging behind the dresser as Kylo walked across the room towards her. “Sorry,” she murmured, setting down the glass vial she’d been holding. “I just needed to get away for a few minutes.”

Kylo said nothing, choosing instead to cross the room towards her and wrap his arms around her from behind before leaning down to press a kiss against her bare shoulder. When his eyes flicked up to the mirror, Rey was watching him, eyes half lidded and he licked a line from her shouler up the side of her neck. “Poe is a jackass,” he practically growled when he finally spoke. “I haven’t been able to take my eyes off of you all night.”

“He means well,” Rey defended half-heartedly but the words faded into a gasp as Kylo sucked at a particularly sensitive spot on her neck. “S-stop. You’re going to leave a mark.” She pulled her head away and turned to look at him, her stomach twisting at the dark look in his eyes.

“He doesn’t mean well,” he insisted, backing her against the dresser and trapping her body in. “He doesn’t even think about how saying that stuff makes you feel. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself.”

“He cares about _me_ ,” Rey insisted, trying her hardest to focus on this conversation, on his words, otherwise she might do something stupid like kiss him. The truth was that she knew on some level that Kylo was right – Poe wasn’t thinking about her and he maybe he never would, but she was still too scared to go there.

“He cares about how you make him look,” Kylo corrected her. He looked down at her and hooked his fingers under the strap of her dress, lowering it down her shoulder. “You are unquestionably the sexiest woman at this party and he doesn’t want anyone else looking at you. He doesn’t want _me_ looking at you.”

“Do I look like a hooker?” she breathed as he kissed his way across her decolletage.

“No,” the word was almost a growl as his eyes flicked up to give her an unamused look. He rocked back onto his heels and looked down at her, his eyes flicking to the tops of her breasts that were now covered in his saliva. “God, Rey. You look like a fucking _goddess_.”

Rey couldn’t help the moan that tumbled from her lips and she squeezed her thighs together – she felt dizzy with the way he looked at her and drunk on the words he was telling her. She knew that this was a horrible idea, that she shouldn’t be encouraging him but she’d never felt so _wanted._ Instead of pushing him away or telling him to stop, her arms went around his neck and she leaned into him and when her head tipped back to look up at him, he dropped his lips to her neck again. “D-don’t leave any marks,” she pleaded as her fingers threaded into his hair.

“Rey,” he groaned against her skin, dragging his nose and lips along the column of her throat until she was squirming against him. Rey had never felt so undone by so little, her breath coming out in puffs like she’d just run a marathon. “Let me kiss you,” he begged, leaning back to look at her.

She shook her head at him even as her hands found their way inside of his jacket and started sliding it down his shoulders. He seemed to catch on and let it fall to the floor as she started on the buttons of his shirt – she had an overwhelming need to feel his skin against her own. “My lipstick. Everyone will know,” she told him but her tongue darted out to wet her lips as she looked up at him.

“Who cares,” Kylo ground out, his hands joining hers in the quest to get his shirt off. “I need to kiss you.” Rey shivered at the way his voice was desperate with want but shook her head again. As tempted as she was to give in, the party would be ruined if they walked downstairs looking like they’d just had sex. Hell, her whole life would probably be ruined.

Once his shirt joined the jacket on the floor, she turned in his arms before he could kiss her and presented her back to him. He seemed to understand what she was asking and reached for the zipper, tugging it down. She watched him in the mirror, licking his lips as more of her skin was exposed to his view and then pushed the dress off her shoulders to let it pool on the floor.

She wore no bra under the dress, she hadn’t needed to and if she was honest, it had made her feel sexier that way. When she looked up at him in the mirror, his mouth was open and his eyes were drinking in the sight of her in only her panties.

She shivered and raised her arms to cover herself, freezing when he said, “Don’t.” her arms dropped to her sides automatically and she could feel her nipples tighten under his gaze. “God Rey. You have no idea how much I want you,” he mumured, pulling her back against his bare chest.

Rey wanted to come up with a whitty retort, something about how she did have an idea because she could feel how much he wanted her against the small of her back, but the words wouldn’t come. It felt like she’d lost all ability to speak as his fingers landed on her stomach and she gulped at the way his hand, fanned out, covered almost the entire breadth of her torso.

“Look at you,” he breathed, his hand sliding up her ribcage and her own breath caught in her throat as he circled a nipple with the tip of his finger.

Rey wasn’t watching herself – she was too busy watching Kylo’s face, wiggling against him as he plucked at her nipple. No one had ever looked at her like this before and she could feel a strange new neediness blossoming inside of her. “Kylo,” she moaned, leaning forward and placing her palms against the dresser so she could feel him hard against the cleft of her ass.

The grunt he let out made Rey shiver and shockwaves of pleasure shot up her spine as she felt him grind himself againt her backside. “Rey, please let me kiss you,” he said again, and she could hear the same neediness in his voice that she felt.

She shook her head again, panting and arching her back as she pressed against the buldge in his pants. God, how she wanted to kiss him and tangle her hands in his hair but there would be no hiding this tryst if she let him.

He jerked his hips against her and she had to slap a hand over her mouth to keep from crying out. The hand that had been holding her hip dipped into the front of her panties and he jerked against her again when she let out a soft whine at the sight of his fingers disappearing into the lacy fabric.

She was practically clawing at the top of the dresser, squirming against his fingers as they dipped into her folds. One hand still bracing herself against the dresser, she used the other hand to push her underwear down her thighs. She _needed_ to see what his fingers were doing to her.

“Let me kiss you here,” he said, his thumb circling her bud as his ring finger pressed into her opening.

Rey nodded, her chest heaving – she wanted that more than she’d ever wanted anything and she was far too gone to worry about how wanton she was being and how easily she was just giving into him.

Kylo’s hands left her sex and before she could mourn the loss he spun her around, hoisting her up so that she was sitting on the dresser, pulling her panties off the rest of the way before shoving them into his pocket and sinking down onto his knees.

She looked down at his hands, how big they were as they parted her thighs and pulled her to the edge of the dresser and her stomach twisted in anticipation of feeling his tongue and fingers on her and inside of her. She’d done this a few times and she liked it enough, but had never felt so desperate for it – and it didn’t help that he was just sitting back on his heels looking at her. She spread her legs further, hoping he’d take the hint because his hot breath against her thighs was driving her crazy.

Just when she was going to _beg_ , his fingers parted her folds and he licked his lips. “So pretty and wet,” he said and she moaned when she noticed he was trying to undo the buttons on his trousers with his other hand. She wanted to help him, see him and touch him, but those thoughts left her brain as he leaned forward and swiped his tongue up the seam of her cunt.

“Kylo,” she panted, her hands finding their way into his hair, tugging as his lips latched onto her clit and suckled at it. Her hips jerked off the dresser and she felt like she was going to cry for how good it felt. “Please,” she panted, trying to spread her thighs wider.

“I’ve got you,” he soothed, releasing her clit and swiping his tongue against it gently as one of his fingers circled her opening, teasing and dipping into it.

“Please,” she tried again, tugging at his hair and canting her hips – trying to catch his tongue on her clit or impale herself on his fingers, anything to help the coiling in her abdomen as her orgasm approached.

His finger sank into her, curling up against her front wall as he flicked at her bud with the hard tip of his tongue. She threw her head back, jerking her hips as she rode his finger and tongue and she realized he must have gotten his hand in his pants because she could hear the soft clapping sound as he jerked himself off.

Her toes curled at the notion – that he wanted her so much that he couldn’t help but touch himself and that thought alone was enough to bring her to the edge, jerking her hips roughly against his face as she came undone.

“So good, Rey,” he moaned as he leaned back and kissed along the inside of her thighs. She was shaking as she came down from it, panting eavily and trying to do anything but blush at his praise. He stood up, his fingers still buried inside of her and pushed his pants down his legs so that he was standing in front of her naked.

Rey felt her mouth go dry as he stood between, still tugging at himself. He pulled his fingers out of her and used her slick to coat himself. She knew he would be big but he was so big she wasn’t even sure what to do with him – but she wanted to try. She could feel the sticky head of it pressed against her belly and she pushed his hand out of the way before curling her own fingers around it.

“Rey,” he moaned like he couldn’t get enough of saying her name and Rey felt almost powerful as his head dropped onto her shoulder and he started thrusting himself into her warm fist. “I want to...” his words broke away into a groan as she dragged her thumb against the tip.

She knew what he wanted, but she had to draw the line somewhere. The thought of him inside of her, stretching her in a way she’d never been stretched was enough to make her the walls of her cunt clench around nothing as she grew slicker. She wanted him more than she’d ever wanted anything, and part of her was terrified at that, but she couldn’t give in. The guilt of getting that carried away would eat her alive.

Her silence seemed to irritate him and he pulled her off the dresser and turned her around, bending her over it. Her legs were shaking, whether it was from the aftermath of the orgasm or in anticipation of feeling him sink into her, she wasn’t sure. “Rey, please,” he panted against the back of her neck as he bent his knees and slid himself against the drenched lips of her sex from behind.

“You can’t,” she panted, squeezing her thighs together so he was trapped between her legs, and she moaned as she felt the girthiness of his cock part her lips and slide against her heat. “Like this,” she tried speaking again, moaning as the bulbous tip of his erection knocked against her clit. “You can’t...Not inside.”

Kylo nodded, seeming to understand what she meant and he grabbed her hips as he started thrusting. She dropped down onto her elbows as her legs shook and grunted in her ear, “So wet, Rey. Is that for me?”

Rey nodded in return and looked down between her legs, feeling herself get wetter and wetter everytime the shiny head of Kylo’s cock peeked out from between the apex of her thighs. This was new, she’d never done anything like this before. It was dirty and hot and had her panting and moaning in a way she never had before.

She reached down, pressing her fingers up against the underside of his shaft so that every thrust was aimed up to knock against her clit. “Kylo...” she moaned and finally met his eyes in the mirror. The longing in his eyes was almost painful – he was looking at her like she was the most amazing thing he’d ever laid his eyes on and if she weren’t chasing after an orgasm, she would have been scared by that look.

Just a few more thrusts has her crying out and dropping her head onto the dresser, her walls fluttering angrily against nothing. She felt Kylo stiffen behind her and then the sensation of something warm trickling down her thighs as he collapsed against her back.

The dead weight of a 6’3” monolith was almost a welcome punishment for the wicked things she’d just done. She tried to punish herself, but with Kylo on top of her and his scent surrounding her it was hard to think about anything but how good it had felt and how he’d come here to comfort her. Poe hadn’t followed her at all. If Kylo was going to act more like a boyfriend than her own, why shouldn’t he get to enjoy the benefits of being a boyfriend? She did feel a shock of guilt at that thought and wondered why she was trying to justify what she’d just done.

“Come home with me tonight,” Kylo murmured against her shoulder.

Rey blinked away her thoughts and turned her head towards him as he finally stood. “What?”

“After the party, come home with me.” He pulled up his pants and buttoned himself up before picking her dress up off the floor.

“I can’t,” Rey told him, taking the dress from his hands almost shyly.

“Then let me take you back to your house. I won’t stay. I just want a goodnight kiss,” he said, looking down at her red lips.

Rey’s heart fluttered at that and despite the fact that they’d just done something so dirty, she couldn’t help finding his request rather sweet and romantic. “Okay,” she agreed and started putting the dress on before remembering the sticky mess on her thighs.

He grinned as he caught on to her dilema. “Leave it,” he whispered and there was something sinful in his tone. Rey wished she could say that she didn’t feel her own ripple of delight at the thought of leaving a reminder of their rendezvous. She was momentarily scared of her thoughts and felt as if something in her had awoken tonight – something primal and needy and wanton. He zipped her into her dress before finishing dressing himself.

As she watched him shrug into his jacket, she thought he looked as if he wanted to kiss her again but once he was completely dressed he took her hand and kissed her knuckles. He smoothed his hair down in the mirror and she straightened her own, along with the dress.

As if sensing that she was overthinking things, he pulled a box from his pocket and grinned. “I’m gonna go give Han his present. Want to come?”

Rey nodded and smiled enthusiastically, pushing away her guilty thoughts for the time being. As far as she was concerned, this was the main reason she’d wanted to come tonight. “Let’s go...” she grabbed his hand and led him out of the room, only letting go once they were on the stairs.

The crowds were starting to thin out and Rey was worried that they had spent too long upstairs but Kylo assured her that most of the attendees went to multiple parties and it was normal for it to start thinning out around this time. They found Han with Leia, Poe and an older man wearing a cape that she had learned was another partner at the firm – Lando Calrissian.

“Where did you two run off to?” Leia asked, eyeing Kylo and Rey suspiciously.

It hadn’t even occurred to Rey how suspicious it would look to just show up with another man after being MIA for who knows how long. Kylo grinned at Rey, “She’s actually been helping me with a little project.”

“A project?” Han raised his eyebrow as if he knew exactly what they’d been doing upstairs.

To Kylo’s credit, he ignored the implication completely and held out the box to his father. Han took the box skeptically and lifted the lid. It took a moment, but a look of recognition crossed his face as he pulled out a car key and his lucky dice. “We tracked down the Falcon.”

Rey was practically bouncing with anticipation, waiting to see what Han would say. She couldn’t help but feel proud of Kylo for how far he’d come, how hard he’d worked to get his parents’ approval and now everything was within reach for him.

“Huh,” Han said, putting the lid back in the box and leaning back in his chair. “What you want a brownie, kid? You shouldn’t have stolen it in the first place.”

Rey’s heart dropped and she looked over at Kylo. All the tenderness and happiness he’d shown minutes before was gone. He looked… not even heartbroken. Just angry. She’d never seen him look so angry. Without even thinking, she reached out and put her hand on his arm. “Kylo...”

He shrugged her arm away. “Forget it. It was never going to be enough. I’m never going to be...” he clenched his jaw, letting the words hang. “I’m leaving.” He turned around and stormed out of the room, and Rey was tense until she heard the front door slam shut.

  
Tearing her eyes away from where he’d left the room, she whipped around to look at Han. And Leia. And Poe. Just standing there. “Unbelievable,” Rey breathed, feeling tears stinging her eyes. “You are all unbelievable!”

Poe looked around, “Woah, Rey. Calm down. You’re making a scene.”

“I don’t care!” she spat at her fiance and turned to Han. “How could you do that? He just wanted to make it right with you!”

Han waved his hand, brushing her off. “He wanted attention.”

“He wanted your forgiveness!” Rey shot back, not bothering to blink back the tears or hide the disgust in her voice. She couldn’t believe she’d looked up to these people, that she’d wanted them to treat her like family.

Han stood up out of his chair, and glared down at Rey. “He stole it and left for 10 years. He changed his name like he’s ashamed of his own old man,” he explained, his voice condescending. “He never even said he was sorry!”

“He learned that from you!” Rey huffed out an exasperated laugh. “You never talk about your feelings! You’ve never once said you’re proud of him and that’s all he wants from you! Do you know how hard he’s worked to get back here to you? To his family?” She wiped her face against her wrist, feeling so angry on behalf of Kylo and even a little pity for herself for idolizing the Organa-Solo family. “Why is it so damn hard to just love each other?”

“Rey...” Leia took a step towards her.

She held up a hand. “I’ve said what I wanted to. You don’t have to say anything to me. I’m not the person that deserves an apology.” With that, she hurried out of the room, taking the stairs two at a time to find her coat upstairs.

When she pulled it on, she breathed a sigh of relief that no one had followed her. She pulled her phone out of her pocket as she hurried downstairs and out onto the street. **‘Can I come over?’** she texted Kylo as she hailed a cab.

By the time she made it back to Brooklyn, she hadn’t received a response so she had the driver bring her to Kylo’s house. The house was dark and she didn’t have much hope as she pounded on his door – he either wasn’t home or didn’t want to talk to her. After several minutes of interchanging between pounding on the door and ringing the doorbell, she sunk down onto the stoop and felt herself crying again.

For the first time in her life, Rey felt like maybe she was lucky to have no family if all they did was hurt each other like this. There was a gnawing pain in her chest for Kylo and she wished he’d let her in, let her comfort him.

She’d been so selfish this whole time in regards to his feelings. All she’d cared about was herself and how Poe would feel if he found out. She strung Kylo along, giving him hope and then taking it away. And now, when he needed someone the most, he didn’t even trust her. She’d hurt him just as bad as his family had and she had no idea how to make it right. She couldn’t selfishly sit on his porch and cry when he was all alone, feeling like shit. If he didn’t want to see her tonight, she wasn’t going to push. She had to stop being selfish and for once, respect what _Kylo_ needed.

*****

  
Kylo turned off his phone as soon as he got home and just sat in his living room in the dark. He felt… numb. He hadn’t felt like this since he was a teenager. He could hear someone pounding on his door, ringing his doorbell, but he found he didn’t care. He didn’t want to talk or to see anyone. He wanted to be alone because he’d always managed just fine that way. If he didn’t care, he couldn’t get hurt. He sat in the dark for hours until he finally fell asleep as it started to turn light outside.

He woke up to the sound of his doorbell ringing and sat up on the couch with a stiff neck. “KYLO!” He blinked at the sound of Rey’s voice. “Please open up! Please!”

He stood up and walked to the porch, unlocking the door and pulling it open. That numb feeling that had been suffocating him since he’d left the party vanished immediately at the sight of Rey’s tear stained face. He could tell she’d been crying, even now she was sucking in deep breaths of air as if her whole life was crumbling.

She jumped into his arms, wrapping her arms around him. “Kylo...”

“What happened?” he said uneasily, wondering what could have upset Rey _this_ much. Had Poe found out what they’d done last night?

“It’s Han,” she sniffed, running her hands through his hair.

He pulled back out of hug to look at her. “Rey, that’s the last thing I want to talk ab-”

Rey shook her head, “No Kylo. There was an accident last night.”

“An accident?” Kylo repeated, the numb feeling returning tenfold. “Is he...”

Rey shook her head, more tears leaking from the corners of her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

Kylo couldn’t hear anything, he couldn’t feel anything. He sank down onto his knees right in the doorway as a sob tore out of him and Rey dropped down next to him, wrapping him up in her arms, stroking his hair and whispering that she was sorry over and over.

But Kylo knew that no one could ever be as sorry as he was.

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long space between each update. Schoolwork took its toll! Thanks for being so patient! As a present I bring you smut and an extra long chapter. And then I did... _that_. Don't hate me too much please.
> 
> Also, I realized, like the total crap bag that I am, that I totally forgot to link to two fabulous gifts I got a few chapters back.   
> [A beautiful artwork](https://twitter.com/ReySkyWSolo/status/1254982996895035392)  
> [A sexy moodboard](https://twitter.com/thesupremejedi/status/1253748426019348486)
> 
> Follow me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/jeeaysee0925) if you want to know the minute I update! <3


	15. January 2021 - Part 1

_January 2 nd 2021 – 4 months until the wedding_

Rey considered herself good at a lot of things – brewing a good cup of tea or calculating the offset of wall components in her head, but comforting another human being was not on the list. As someone who never had any parents, she had no idea what to say to Kylo to make him feel better or take away some of the pain, mostly because she had no idea what he was going through.

She had been young enough when she’d been abandoned that she didn’t even remember her parents and had never actually mourned losing them. If she was honest with herself, it was easier just being angry at them for what they’d done to her. She had no idea what she’d said or done to make them just leave her so she didn’t have to live with any guilt over it – and why should she when she’d only been a child? But it wasn’t the same for Kylo and that was what made it so hard about trying to comfort him.

On top of not knowing what to do for her friend, Rey had her own guilt over what had happened the night Han had died. If she hadn’t yelled at him the way she had, maybe he wouldn’t have left and gotten into that car accident. She shouldn’t have butted into family affairs the way that she had and now she was terrified of what Leia would say to her at the funeral.

Not that it was a matter of not going. She _had_ to go. There was a strong possibility that Kylo wouldn’t want to see her – he hadn’t answered one of her calls or texts since the morning she’d gone to see him. But regardless of everything that had happened between them and however Kylo felt about her now, she still had to be there for him.

As she dressed in the only black dress she had, other than the one she’d worn to the party, she worried over what would happen. Would Leia yell at her? Would Kylo even let her be by his side? She grabbed her purse, glancing out the window to see that Poe’s car had pulled up, and left her apartment.

That was another situation that had definitely been _tense_ since the Christmas party at Leia’s house. They hadn’t talked much or even spent time together as a couple since she’d blown-up, she wasn’t even sure what was going on with them. A part of her knew that maybe she’d overreacted and maybe she shouldn’t have yelled at Poe.

She climbed into the car and placed her purse on her lap, “Hey.”

“Hey,” Poe returned and cleared his throat. “How are you?”

Rey shifted in her seat, feeling a wave of guilt wash over her because she knew that she should’ve been more supportive over the past week. Poe had known Leia and Han for a long time and from the dark circles under his eyes, she knew that he was taking it hard. “I’m fine. How are you, Poe?”

He shrugged as he pulled away from the curb. “I’m okay.”

“How’s Leia?” Rey asked, assuming that Poe was keeping in contact with his boss and mentor.

“Her husband just died. How do you think she’s doing?”

Rey frowned and bit her lip, deciding not to take the bait. It would be selfish of her to get her feelings hurt when Poe was feeling torn up over Han. “Right,” was all she said, turning to look out the window. Maybe it had been a mistake to drive to the church together.

“How’s _Kylo_?” Poe asked and Rey was startled by the venom in his voice.

She turned sharply to look at him and noticed how clenched his jaw was and how tight his fists were on the steering wheel. “I wouldn’t know. He hasn’t been answering my calls. But his dad just died so I would imagine not well.”

Poe scoffed, “Right. Because they were so close.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Rey asked, disgust twisting in her stomach at her fiance’s words.

“He ran away for ten years and didn’t bother to even let his parents know he was doing okay,” Poe pointed out. “I was closer to Han than Ben.”

“Han wasn’t your father,” Rey pointed out. “You have an outsider’s view of their relationship. As much as you wish you were Han and Leia’s son, you’re not. Kylo is.”

“I was more of a son than he ever was!” Poe said, slapping his hand against the steering wheel. “Why are you so quick to jump to his defense all the time?”

“Because he has no one to defend him.”

“He’s not your fiance, I am!” Poe gritted out.

“Does that mean I have to blindly agree with everything you say or think?” Rey asked incredulously. She blew out a breath, trying to calm herself down. Today was not the day to be talking about this – today was for Han. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” she huffed, crossing her arms over her chest and looking out the window.

“Fine.”

The rest of the drive was silent and when they pulled into the parking lot of the church, Rey hopped out of the car and tried her best not to slam the door. She let Poe fall into step beside her as they climbed the stairs to the church for the service. Rey was unsurprised at the amount of people who had come to pay their final respects to Han, he was well-liked by everyone who knew him.

Due to his height, Kylo wasn’t hard to spot in the front pew next to Leia and Rey shifted uncomfortably. She wanted to go to him, but she wasn’t family and didn’t really belong up there. As if he sensed her, Kylo turned around and their eyes met and Rey’s chest hurt. Kylo looked _completely devastated._ She didn’t know how Poe could pretend that Han meant so much more to him when he was already off rubbing elbows with someone. She found herself walking down the aisle towards him without even thinking about it, their eyes never leaving one another.

She knew she didn’t belong there in the front pew like she was part of the family, but she didn’t care – people could judge her all they wanted for it, she decided as she squeezed into the pew next to Kylo. He turned away from her and focused on the at the front of the church as the priest made his way to the pulpit.

She didn’t notice when Poe squeezed in to her right, she was so focused on trying not to focus on the way Kylo’s shoulders were shaking. As the service went on, the shaking grew harder and Rey tentatively extended her fingers, brushing the knuckles of her pointer finger against Kylo’s hand. His fingers twitched against hers and after glancing up at Kylo’s face, she slid her hand into his.

Next to her, she saw Poe stiffen out of the corner of her eye and realized that she wasn’t being as subtle as she thought she was being. If Poe noticed that she was holding Kylo’s hand, he probably wasn’t the only one and that meant that a fight was probably coming. Rey refused to care. Kylo was her friend and he needed her right now.

When the service was over, he tried to drop her hand but Rey refused to let go. As they all filed out of the pew, Poe first and Leia last, Poe glanced again down at their joined hands but Rey gave him a pointed look. “Did you drive?” Rey asked Kylo and he nodded.

“Rey, ready to go?” Poe interrupted.

“I’m going to ride with Kylo,” she told Poe and leaned over to say, “Take care of Leia. She’s not doing well.” She nodded her head towards Leia who looked like she might collapse and that was enough to tear Poe’s attention away from her and Kylo.

She led Kylo out of the church, trying her best to lead him away from all of the mourners who tried to stop them and give condolences to Kylo. He didn’t say anything to her but he also didn’t protest her presence, so she just kept leading him down the steps and towards his car.

Once they were inside, Kylo started the engine and then dropped his hand. “I don’t want to go the cemetery. I-I can’t...” he whispered.

Rey nodded, unsure of what to say. Would he regret not going later? She wondered, though she knew that Han was gone and watching his casket being lowered into the ground wouldn’t bring him back, nor would it give Kylo the forgiveness he deserved. “Okay. Do you want to go wait at Leia’s?”

Kylo shook his head again. “I want to go home.”

“Okay. Do you want me to leave?” she asked, her heart sinking as she began to wonder if her need to be by Kylo was more for her sake than his.

“No,” Kylo said, refusing to meet her eyes. “Stay with me.”

“Okay,” she agreed for the third time and got comfortable. She wondered if she should text Poe and give him a heads up that they were skipping out. He wouldn’t be happy that she was going back to Kylo’s place alone so she’d save that bombshell for another day.

The ride back to Brooklyn was silent and Rey had to fight the urge to reach for Kylo’s hand or put her head on his shoulder several times – she felt like she was walking on eggshells, unsure of what to do to help Kylo.

Once he parked his car, she followed him inside and watched as he took off his suit jacket. “Um, do you want some tea?”

“I’m going to go lay down,” he told her as he walked towards the stairs.

“Oh,” Rey said, unsure of why he asked her there if he was just going to go lay down. He’d been alone all week so maybe, she wondered, he just wanted company. “Do you want me to come?”

“Yes,” he said, as if it was obvious what he was requesting of her.

She nodded and followed him up to his bedroom where he promptly took off his dress shirt and pants and collapsed onto the bed. Rey tried her hardest not to think too much about it as she sat on the edge of the bed and looked down at him, brushing the hair away from his forehead. “How are you feeling?” she asked and she regretted the words the minute they came out of her mouth. It was a stupid question. She knew how he was feeling and she very much doubted that he wanted to talk about it.

“I don’t want to talk,” he told her, grabbing her hand and tugging her down. “Just lay with me.”

She pulled her feet onto the bed and shifted onto her side so that she was facing him, giving him a soft smile as he brought her hand to his lips and gave her knuckles a soft kiss.

“Thank you,” he breathed, dropping his hand to her wrist to pull her closer until he was nuzzled against her collarbone.

  
As soon as Kylo let go of her hand, she reached up to run her fingers through his hair. She’d been so afraid of what to say around him that she hadn’t even considered all he would want was for someone to hold him.

“Can I kiss you?” he mumbled against her chest.

She wanted to admonish him, give that warning ‘Kylo’ she always gave him whenever he was crossing the line, but she couldn’t find it in her to do it. They’d done worse than kissing and the last thing he needed right now was rejection so she gave a gentle tug on his hair to pull his head back and nodded down at him.

Kylo rolled Rey onto her back and propped himself up on his elbows, one on each side of her, as he leaned over her and brought their lips together. Rey sighed into the kiss, wondering how his lips could feel both gentle and needy, as his tongue slipped in.

With the way Kylo was kissing her, gentle and needy at the same time, it was easy for Rey to turn off her brain and just focus on how good it felt. She thought it must feel good for him too, from the way he kept fisting his hands into the blankets on either side of her head and she realized that making Kylo feel good was important to her. At least for tonight, she wanted to make sure that he felt taken care of.

She pushed him off her, and she had to smile reassuringly at the look of hurt that crossed his face. She took his face in her hands and gave him a soft kiss. “It’s okay,” she told him before nudging him onto his back and leaning over him.

He lifted his head off his pillow, capturing her lips in another kiss as he grabbed her wrists and pulled her on top of him. This was moving dangerously past kiss territory, Rey realized in the back of her mind, but couldn’t bring herself to care as her knees landed on either side of his hips.

As she lowered her hips she could feel him half hard under her and the sound she made, a mix between a gasp and a moan, caused their kiss to break. “Rey,” Kylo breathed against her lips as his hands slid up her thighs, pushing her dress up. “Can I see you?”

She lifted her arms without even thinking about his request and thought that he could ask her for literally anything right now and she might not have the power to say no. His hands slid up her back and pulled her down for another kiss as his fingers worked at the closures on her bra and Rey did her best to slide out of it without having to pull herself away from his lips.

He broke the kiss and sat up, and before Rey could protest, he had his lips wrapped around her nipple. She gasped as his teeth grazed the hardened nub, rolling her hips against his now full erection as if her hips had a mind of their own. “Kylo,” she panted, her fingers in her hair and she groaned when he released the nipple to look up at her.

“Ben,” he told her, looking up at her with dark eyes. “Call me Ben.”

The name sounded like a gift he was giving her, something he was desperate for her to know him as. “Ben,” she agreed with a pant, and then moaned when his lips found the neglected nipple. Her hips swiveled and jerked against his clothed cock, desperately seeking more.

He lay her down against the mattress so that he was nestled between her thighs and she lifted her hips to grind against him, trying to get some friction for the throbbing between her legs as she pulled him down into another kiss. He had been looking at her so tenderly when she’d said his name that she needed something to distract her from thinking about it, or returning it or maybe even crying over it.

Kylo, _Ben_ , broke the kiss and leaned down, leaving a trail of kisses down her throat and chest, until he was just dragging his soft lips against her skin, making her shiver. When he reached her panties, he began tugging them down her thighs and she swallowed, trying not to think. She decided not to protest as he finally got them to her ankles and tugged them off before settling between her thighs. Refusing or denying this was futile, she was beginning to realize. They both wanted each other, and tonight, Ben needed her.

Her thoughts cut off as his hands gripped her thighs, pushing her knees up to her chest as he swiped his tongue along her slit. She covered her face with her hands as he rubbed his nose and cheeks against her cunt, nuzzling her in the dirtiest way possible. “Rey,” he groaned. “Always so wet for me.”

Rey knew she would be blushing if she weren’t so turned on, but as it was she could only nod desperately and clutch at the sheets as he began flicking his tongue against her clit, squirming up against his face. She moaned as she felt his fingertips, slipping around in her slippery folds and she was almost embarrassed at how wet she was, probably making a mess on his bed.

“Yesss,” she hissed when one of his long digits slid inside of her and she clenched her muscles around him, earning her a groan from Ben. Her entire body felt alive, every hair standing on end as Ben added another finger. She couldn’t think straight when her need was this strong, and Rey realized she’d never felt this _drunk_ on sensation. Poe couldn’t make her body feel the things she was feeling now, this overwhelming desire to feel complete.

“Rey,” Ben lifted his head, his face a mess, and looked up at her. “I need...”

Rey nodded, and reached down, trying to pull him up her body. She knew exactly what he needed, she needed it too, but she didn’t want to hear the words. She didn’t want to think tonight, the same way Ben hadn’t wanted to talk. They both needed to just _feel_.

He climbed up her body with one arm, trying to push down his boxer briefs with his other. Rey knew he’d finally succeeded when she felt the sticky tip of his cock bump against her thigh as he leaned down to kiss her again. He broke the kiss as she spread her legs wider, tilting her hips upwards so that Ben’s erection bumped against her sex, earning a groan. He reached down to grab a hold of himself and drag it up and down her slit until it notched at her entrance. “Okay?” he asked, looking down at her one more time, to make sure she hadn’t changed her mind.

Truthfully, Rey had changed her mind thirty times since she’d agreed two minutes beforehand, but the look on Ben’s face made her mind up for her. He needed her tonight and she would give him anything he asked for in that moment. She nodded and he gave her cheek a sloppy kiss before tilting his hips forward, nudging the head of his cock inside of her.

Rey groaned and Ben’s head dropped onto her chest, his hips stilling. He was big, bigger than Poe and on another day she thought Kylo would be happy with that knowledge, but not tonight. The stretch was a lot, but Rey decided it wasn’t bad so she panted, “More, Ben.”

That seemed to spur him on and his hips snapped forward until he was fully sheathed inside of her. Rey’s back arched off the bed and her thighs tightened around him. “Sorry,” he moaned against her chest, kissing her areola.

When the pain dulled, she relaxed her legs. “It’s okay. You can move,” she told him as she stroked his back soothingly.

He drew his hips back and the pain vanished, replaced with pure pleasure as his length stroked along her inner walls. When he pushed back in, Rey’s head fell back and her mouth dropped open in a silent moan. Holy shit, this was why people were so crazy about sex. This wasn’t at all like the uncomfortable jack-hammering she was used to. This was… euphoric.

“Rey,” He groaned, the speed of his thrusts picking up, but still purposeful.

“Oh, my god,” was all Rey could say in return as her own hips moved against his. Every time he slid out of her, her hips trailed after, desperate for him to stay inside of her. She was okay with that idea, she decided, they should just stay like this forever.

She knew he must be getting close when she realized he was just murmuring her name over and over, so she reached between their bodies, rubbing her finger back and forth over her clit. It took almost no coaxing as she came apart, the feeling of him inside of her as she clenched and fluttered around him was single-handedly one of the best moments of her entire life.

That seemed to be enough to bring Ben over the edge as well as she felt one more sharp thrust and then he stilled against her before falling against her chest. Rey decided she liked the feeling of him on top of her like this, and cupped his cheek as he lay against her breast, trying to catch his breath. “Can you stay?” he asked her, sounding unsure.

“Yes, Ben,” she whispered, sliding her fingers into his hair.

He sighed happily and placed a sleepy kiss against her breast. “I love you, Rey,” he mumbled as he fell asleep, completely unaware of how stiff Rey had become underneath him at his confession.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for all the kudos and comments last chapter! I appreciate all of you so much! I will get around to replying to comments tomorrow, but just know that I've been reading them all <3
> 
> The chapter count went up again, but that will be the FINAL chapter count :D we're well into the last third of the story! Oh and with this chapter, I've hit 50,000 words. Woohoo!


	16. January 2021 - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [thesupremejedi](https://twitter.com/thesupremejedi) made a [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/795p3FxLyPz27kKDqy8V2u?si=mg8BFgSrSvWZuviOFmEzwg) of music inspire by the story. (I've been listening to it non-stop as I write because it captures a mood!)

_January 3_ _rd_ _, 2021 – 4 months until the wedding_

When Kylo woke the next morning, his heart felt lighter than it had in days and as soon as he remembered why, he reached out trying to find Rey and pull her close. Once he realized that she was no longer in bed, Kylo pulled himself up into a sitting position and looked around the room.

For a brief moment, his heart dropped and the fear that Rey was gone gripped him until he heard the shower running in the bathroom. Slipping out of bed, he followed the noise and was rewarded with the very enticing sight of Rey naked under the water.

Kylo almost couldn’t believe his luck, that Rey was _finally_ his. Last night had been perfect – Rey was the balm his soul had needed and she’d so willingly given herself to him. That had to be a sign, he thought, and he was overjoyed that Rey seemed to be on the same page as him for once.

He smiled down at his own nakedness and stepped in the shower behind her, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her neck. “Morning.” He couldn’t help his wandering hands, sliding them up her stomach to play with her breasts, watching over her shoulder as they hardened as he rolled them between his fingers.

“G-goo-” Rey choked on her words, squirming against him as he played with her body. She pulled his hands away and turned to face him. “Good morning.”

“It is now,” Kylo smiled, pulling her close and smiling against her lips as she squawked when his growing erection pressed against her stomach.

  
To her credit, she did her best to ignore it, reaching up to cup his face and rub her thumbs across his cheek bones. “I didn’t want to wake you, you were sleeping so peacefully.”

He nodded and leaned down, bringing their faces closer together. “Thanks to you,” he said softly, bringing their lips together. Rey sighed into the kiss, wrapping her arms around his neck.

His arms slid around her waist, pulling her closer and to Kylo, it felt like home. His last conversation with Han had haunted him for days and the feeling of being the most wretched human being had gnawed him to his very core. But now, with Rey in his arms, everything felt okay. Being with her, holding her, felt right.

He hoisted her up so that her feet were dangling off the ground, and he knew they were on the same page as she wrapped her legs around his waist, both of them gasping as his cock knocked against her heat. Pressing her against the tiled wall, he rutted against her stomach as their tongues and lips and breath tangled together.

There was a neediness to their kissing, and Kylo thought there was something healing in the act, definitely for him but maybe for Rey too. His hands slid down her waist, under her butt to support her as he managed to work a finger inside of her. Rey broke the kiss to gasp, and swiveled her hips, trying to bring his finger in deeper. “Ben,” she moaned as he lowered his head to flick her nipple with his tongue before sucking it past his lips.

He didn’t think he could wait any longer – felt like he’d been waiting for her for months and now that he had her in his arms he was almost desperate to be inside of her. He pressed her harder against the wall to hold her up and maneuvered one arm to grab hold of himself and press against her cunt. “Rey, please...” he groaned, releasing her nipple to beg.

She nodded, her fingers threading in his hair as she tilted her hips up in permission. No time was wasted as he notched the head against her opening and guided himself inside of her. The grip she had in his hair tightened as he worked himself into her but the gasp she let out at the intrusion quickly melted into a sigh as he bottomed out inside of her.

“Rey, you feel so good,” he breathed against her neck and looked up at her blissed out expression. “You make me feel so good,” he murmured as he nipped and sucked on her earlobe. The need to move overtook him and he slid out before pushing back in.

He held her under her thighs, using the leverage to pull up and down his length, shuddering at the way her walls squeezed him. The pleasure of it was making his legs shake and he sunk down onto the floor of the shower. His head felt back and a groan worked its way out of his throat as Rey rolled with it, bouncing up and down on his lap. “I want to make you feel good,” he gasped out as he rocked into her. “Do you, ah, feel good, Rey?” he asked, using his hand to rub circles over her clit.

“Y-yes,” Rey nodded, her eyes closed. “Yes, so good,” she whimpered, dropping her head onto his shoulder as her thighs started to quake.

Kylo shivered as her words gave him a whole different kind of pleasure. “Come for me, sweetheart,” he murmured into her hair as her hips rocked messily against him. He moved his fingers faster on her clit and she cried out, her hips jerking as her walls fluttered around him.

Kylo thought it was the best feeling in the world, and he fought the urge to cum, managing to lift her off of his lap in time for it to spurt out against her stomach and chest. Scooping her into his arms, he held her against his chest as they both worked to catch their breaths.

After a few minutes he helped her stand and kissed her gently as he helped rinse off. She was still in his arms as he stepped out of the shower and it was truly a struggle for Kylo as he had to let go of her to grab a towel.

He tried not to focus on how quiet she’d grown as he helped dry her off. Wrapping the towel around himself, he dragged her back to his bed and pulled her onto his lap. The urge to touch and kiss her was strong and he didn’t see any reason why he could so with a smile he leaned down and captured her lips in another kiss, this one slower than the heated ones they’d shared in the shower.

After a moment, her hands went to his shoulders and she pushed herself away. “Kylo.”

He frowned down at her as she averted her eyes but not before he saw the guilt and hesitation on her face.

“We need to talk,” she said, scooting off of his lap.

Those words never meant anything good, Kylo knew. He felt cold and he wasn’t sure if it was from the loss of her body heat or the dread of what was coming. “O-okay.”

“About what just happened. About what happened last night and what you said,” Rey said, her eyes darting around the room nervously.

“You regret it,” Kylo said, his fist clenching as he stood up. The pain of that thought nearly made him double over.

“No, I didn’t say that!” Rey said, standing up and putting a hand on his shoulder.

He couldn’t believe this, that she would do this after everything he went through this week. She was actually going to go back to Poe and it made him want to scream. “You...” he growled, stalking across the room and picking up her dress. “Get out.”

“Wait!” she said desperately. “I just want to talk to you, okay?”

On some level, he could hear the panic in her voice and knew that he should calm down and listen. “You’re going back to Poe.” He tossed the dress at her, trying not to cry, just trying his hardest to keep breathing when he felt like he was suffocating. “I-I can’t do this anymore, Rey.”

Rey pulled on her dress quickly, not bothering with her undergarments and before trying to approach him again. “Sit down, please.”

He sat down, afraid he might throw up if he didn’t. “You are heartless,” he told her, refusing to spare her a glance. “You should have said no. You can’t do this to me, not this week...”

She sat down next to him and cupped his cheek, trying to make him look at her as she said desperately, “Just listen to me, ok?”

Kylo shook his head, he didn’t want to hear any excuses. He told her he loved her and it was true, but clearly she didn’t feel the same way. He’d always be second fiddle to Poe and he was tried of it all because it was one thing for his father to love Poe more but now it was clear Rey did too. He would never be good enough for anyone. “I want you to leave.”

Rey sat next to him for several long minutes and he knew she was crying – he could hear the quiet sobs and could feel her body shaking next to him. But he refused to comfort her, to let her have her cake and eat it too. If she felt guilty about what she’d done to him, she deserved it.

He had no idea how much time passed before she finally stood up and wiped her face on her sleeve. Maybe, he thought, she’d say something but she grabbed her purse without a word and left the room. Running a hand through his hair, he finally let himself cry as he wondered if he’d ever get over the pain he felt.

*****

As Rey made the walk of shame back to her apartment, she couldn’t figure out what had just happened with Kylo. All she’d wanted was to talk about everything that had happened between them and the whole situation had imploded. Kylo hadn’t wanted to listen and that hurt more than anything else.

She didn’t regret what happened between them, and wondered how he could even think that when it felt the way it had. When she woke up that morning she’d decided that she would talk everything through with Kylo and, afterwards, she would end things with Poe once and for all.

The only thing she’d needed from Kylo was understanding and support.

She was scared. Couldn’t he understand that? Rey wondered desperately. Rey was at risk of losing everything she had and if she left Poe, Kylo would be all she had left. She wanted – _needed_ him to get that – that she was putting everything out there for _him_. In choosing Kylo, she was losing all of her friends, the mother figure she had in Leia, the future she’d had laid out. When she’d asked to talk, all she’d wanted was for him to hold her and tell her that it would all be okay because they had each other. That even if everyone else left her, she would _always_ have him.

If he loved her, Rey thought, why couldn’t he listen? She knew she didn’t have a good track record, she’d hurt Kylo too many times without trying. She couldn’t blame him for it, but he’d thought the worst and kicked her out and maybe, in the end, she wasn’t worth listening to or fighting for. Maybe he wanted her but without all of the extra baggage.

But that was an important piece in all of this – she was _always_ going to have issues. If she wasn’t good enough for him now, no matter how much she wanted to be, she would never be good enough. He deserved someone better, who could be emotionally available for him, who wasn’t so scared of being alone, who wasn’t so needy for validation.

She climbed the stairs to her apartment, pulling her keys out of her bag and froze when she saw Poe waiting outside of her door for her.

“Where were you?” Poe questioned, his jaw clenched as he pushed himself away from the wall he’d been leaning against.

“I was with Kylo,” Rey hesitated as she stuck her key in the lock and pushed the door open, realizing that she’d forgotten to tell Poe that they’d skipped the burial and reception.

“You spent the night with him,” Poe probed and Rey wasn’t sure if he was implying something in his query. If so, he’d really hit the nail on the head.

“He was in bad shape,” Rey explained as Poe followed her into the apartment. She wasn’t sure what to do, if she should tell Poe everything and break it off, or if Kylo would take her back even if she did. She hadn’t meant to hurt him, but clearly she cut him deep and his words still stung.

“What is going on with you two?”

Rey dropped onto her couch and looked out the window, “He needed me last night.”

“You’re spending too much time with him, Rey,” Poe said and she didn’t need to turn to face him to know that he was on the verge of either crying or yelling. If she was being fair to Poe, she’d admit that he was right. She was spending too much time with him and he should be worried. If only he knew.

But he didn’t know, even if he had an idea. There is no way that he could know that she’d had the best sex of her life, that she’d ruined it all somehow and now Kylo Ren… _Ben Solo,_ hated her. Her heart felt like it was breaking – from the guilt of what she’d done to Poe but if she was being honest with herself, more so for the fact that she’d lost Ben before she’d even had him.

She told him with a heavy heart, “I’m not in the mood to fight right now.” With a sigh, she rested her chin in her hand and couldn’t bring herself to look at her fiance, focusing on looking out the window even as she felt him sink into the couch next to her.

“You never want to fight,” he pointed out. “I think this conversation is long overdue.”

“Isn’t that what our relationship is?” Rey countered, finally looking over at him. “We never talk about anything important.”  
  


Poe frowned, “That’s not true...”

“Isn’t it?” Rey croaked, picking at a loose thread on the couch cushion. She thought about the fight she’d had with Kylo months ago and asked, “Where are we going to live after we get married Poe? When do you want to have kids? Do you even _want_ to have kids? I have no idea! We just decided to get married and didn’t even talk about any of this stuff!”

“Where is this coming from all of a sudden?” Poe frowned and Rey could only look at him incredulously, wondering if he thought she was hysterical for bringing all of this up.

“It’s not sudden! We’re getting married in four months and I don’t know if I should be getting out of my lease. I don’t know anything about our future together, Poe. Isn’t that strange?”  
  


“I just figured you’d move in with me,” Poe said. “And of course I want kids. Now that Rose is having a baby, I just thought we’d start trying right away. Isn’t that why people get married?”

For a brief moment all she could do was stare at him before she came back to herself. “So where I live, my career, my _body…_ you just made all of these decisions on your own and never thought to mention them to me at all?” Rey was honestly flabbergasted by everything Poe was saying and she realized that this was exactly why she’d been so scared of talking about all of this with him. This was why she’d gotten so defensive when Kylo brought it up all that time ago. She was terrified of this future that she had no say in.

“You like it when I take charge and make decisions,” Poe snapped defensively as she took a deep breath and stood up.

“I think you should go, Poe.”

“Wait, Rey. Calm down and let’s talk this through,” he sprung up from the couch and took her hands in his, trying to get her to look at him again but she didn’t want to feel the guilt from the desperate look on his face.

“I just need some time to think,” Rey whispered, pulling her hands out of his grasp and taking a step back from him. She was too wrecked emotionally to deal with the weight of this conversation.

“I’m not leaving,” Poe argued, crossing his arms over his chest.

“So it doesn’t matter what I want at all?” Rey asked and just when she thought she had no more tears left to cry, she felt them spring to her eyes all over again.

“I didn’t say that,” he faltered, taking another step towards her. “I’m afraid of losing you. If I leave, will that happen?”

“Maybe,” Rey said, wiping the tears from her face. “But you might if you stay too.”

Poe’s shoulders sagged and he spoke quietly, “Okay, I’ll go. But please call me when you’re ready to talk.” He stepped forward, as though he wanted to hug her, but Rey refused to look at him or meet him halfway. With a sigh, he finally said, “Bye, Rey.”

She didn’t dare watch him leave and it wasn’t until she heard the door close that she let out the sob she’d been holding and sank down onto her bed. For someone who was thrown away by her parents, who grew up unloved and struggled to belong, Rey thought she’d never quite felt as alone as she did now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About last chapter and this one: I really struggled with deciding if Rey/Ben should go all the way while Rey was still with Poe. Like a lot of you, a part of me wanted their first time to be when they were truly together as a couple. But I decided it was a realistic direction to take the story despite how painful the aftermath was. At the end of the day, life isn't always fair. It's not fair for Ben that he'll never get to make up with Han or that he's in love with an engaged woman and it's not fair that Rey couldn't have met Ben sooner or that she feels stuck with someone she doesn't love. I understand that some of you will probably be very upset with the direction the story has taken or even feel frustrated with me, but stick with the story because I promise a happily ever after.


	17. February 2021

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The moodboard for this chapter was made by [thesupremejedi](https://twitter.com/thesupremejedi), who I appreciate so much not just because the idea of this fic came from her, but because she is such a genuinely nice and funny person! Thank you so much!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Rey's Wedding Dress](https://imgur.com/a/r87U9cE)

**February 2021 – 3 months before the wedding**

Rey was stuck in a cycle of sorts – Kylo... Ben (she was still struggling with what to call him -- Kylo was familiar but Ben felt like too much of an honor that she didn't deserve) was dodging every effort she made to reach out and in turn, she was avoiding a confrontation with Poe. She was being a coward, she knew, and it was clear to her now how deeply she felt for Ben. As things stood, though, she wasn’t sure what to do. Even if she was willing to admit now that she was in love with another man, what would be the point of breaking things off with Poe when the person she wanted to be with didn’t want her anymore?

Over the coarse of several days, Rey received phone calls from both Rose and Finn – the former demanding she talk things out with Poe and the latter begging her to clue him in on what was happening.

“We’re on a break,” Rey tried explaining to Finn. “I need to think about some stuff.”

“What stuff is there to think about, Rey? You’ve only got a couple of months before the wedding. Is now really a good time to be doing this?”

“When would be a better time?” Rey had asked bitterly. “After we’re married?”

Finn was silent for what felt like minutes before he said, “What should I tell Poe? He’s really a wreck, Rey.”

Rey couldn’t help but feel annoyed about the constant distress everyone felt on behalf of Poe and his feelings. Their concern with his well-being only cemented her fears that when it came down to the end, none of them would be on her side. "Tell him whatever you want," Rey managed to mutter before hanging up on her best friend.

She knew it wasn't fair to get angry at Finn when she was the one who had hurt Poe, but she felt like she wasn't even in control of her ever-changing emotions. And out of all the words to describe how she was feeling, hopeless was currently topping the list. There was a constant battle in her head, and her heart if she was honest, of learning to live with being wanted by someone she didn’t love and being in love with someone who no longer wanted her.

Beyond that hopelessness, Rey had a million other emotions passing through her mind on a daily basis. First and foremost, she was lonely and she knew that she had no one to blame but herself for that, but she still missed having Kylo to confide in or encourage her. When that loneliness seemed almost too much to bear, the guilt for feeling lonely would kick in and she'd find herself wishing to just curl into a ball because she knew that Kylo... Ben, was just protecting himself and that she didn’t even deserve his attention and especially not his affection.

Perhaps the most strange emotion she experienced – one she didn’t think she deserved to be feeling, but did nonetheless – was anger. One minute she’d be close to tears and the next, she’d be so angry at Ben for never giving her a chance to speak and by doing so, taking away her only chance to be with him. She’d tried calling him so many times that she was positive now that he’d blocked her number and when she went to his house, he never answered his door. He didn’t want an explanation, clearly, but if he loved her like he claimed he did, didn’t she deserve that much? She wanted to scream at him for saying those words to her and then taking them all back by refusing to listen.

And that flurry of emotions led Rey to where she was now -- at a loss as to what to do. Did she keep trying to pursue Ben when it all seemed so pointless? She knew she was running out of options when he wouldn't answer his door or his phone but finally, her saving grace came in the form of a google calendar reminder that she had her last dress fitting coming up. Ben would be there and if not, Phasma could at least try to talk to Ben on her behalf. Frankly, she was afraid of the other woman, but if it was her only chance to get Ben to listen to her, then she would suck it up and seek out the other woman.

On the day of her appointment, she made sure to arrive a few minutes early, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. As soon as she entered the familiar studio, her eyes flitted around the room, trying to catch sight of Ben.

“Ms. Johnson,” Phasma greeted coolly, taking her coat and purse before handing them off to an intern.

“Hi,” Rey greeted nervously, shifting from foot to foot.

“I have the dress all set up for you,” she said, leading Rey to the fitting area before she could even open her mouth and start a conversation. Rey couldn’t help continuing her search,knowing it was futile because he was too hard to miss. Phasma shot her a look, having caught Rey in the act of searching, and clicked her tongue in annoyance. Rey knew she could just ask where Ben was, the question already forming on her tongue, before Phasma yanked the curtains open and gestured her into the fitting room. “We’ll try to make this as quick as possible.”

Rey nodded at Phasma and shut the curtain and as she undressed she thought that maybe it would be easier to ask now while she was out of sight and away from the very unsubtle dirty glares that Phasma had been shooting at her. “Um, Ms. Phasma,” Rey began as she pulled her shirt off over her head and dropped it unceremoniously onto the ground.

“Do you require assistance getting undressed?” Phasma quipped impatiently through the curtain. The tone alone was enough to make Rey feel stupid for even talking, but at the same time she knew that she couldn't back down. 

Rey frowned, “No, but…”

“Let’s keep it professional, shall we, Ms. Johnson?”

Clenching her fists, Rey took a deep breath in an attempt to calm down before pushing her jeans down her legs and stepping out of them. Phasma knew what she wanted and was doing her best to shoot Rey down before she could get far enough to ask. But Rey was nothing if not persevering. “I was just wondering where Ben… Kylo is…”

“He’s not here today,” Phasma answered bluntly.

Rey felt like she was getting nowhere with all of this by being nice, so perhaps the best solution would be to give back what she was getting from Phasma. “Well he’s the one designing the dress so he should be here.”

“He’s done designing it. You’re getting a free wedding dress from Kylo Ren. You get what you get, and you don’t throw a fit, Ms. Johnson,” Phasma said, pulling the curtain open on Rey, who was in her undergarments and shrinking under Phasma's annoyed gaze.. “Now are you ready?”

Rey tried her best to return Phasma’s glare as she stepped into the dress. “What was so important that he couldn’t be here?” The thought occurred to Rey that perhaps she should back down a little and avoid making Phasma angry. If she pushed the other woman too much, there was less chance that she would willingly help her get in touch with Ben.

“He’s taking some time off from work. His father just died, as you’re well aware,” Phasma practically spat as she tugged the bodice tightly around Rey as she buttoned the back.

Rey felt the air knocked out of her at the bruising action of Phasma buttoning her into the dress none-too-gently but she managed to squeak out, “Have you talked to him?”

“I have,” Phasma agreed, finishing the buttons but not divulging any further information. She turned Rey towards the mirror and stood back with her hands on her hips. “Well?”

  
  


When Rey saw herself in the mirror, her breath was knocked out of her. Ben had promised her that she would look like a princess, but she’d had it all wrong -- one look at herself and she knew that he’d made her into a Goddess. She remembered he’d told her he thought of her as such once. She touched the lace and pearl beading of the bodice and smoother her hands down the chiffon and lace of the skirt, noticing in the mirror how her hands were shaking. How much did Kylo love her to dress her up as a Goddess on her wedding day to another man? Her eyes met Phasma’s in the mirror and she cleared her throat, trying to rid herself of the tears caught in her throat.

  
  


“Do you think you could…” Rey began, hoping that Phasma would take to the idea of reaching out to Ben on her behalf a little more easily.

  
  


“Rey,” Phasma began, calling her by her given name for the first time. “Why are you here?”

  
  


“I was hoping I could talk to him,” Rey almost whispered.

  
  


Phasma had her fixed under a glare, “No.”

  
  


“No?” Rey repeated, raising an eyebrow.

  
  


“You’re trying on a dress for a wedding,” the blonde gestured. “For your wedding to a man that isn’t Kylo.”

  
  


Rey paused. That was true, but it wasn’t the full story. She knew now that she didn’t want to marry Poe now that the state of denial she’d been in was over. “But, I don’t think I’m marrying him anymore anyway.”

  
  


“You don’t _think_?” Phasma spat out.

  
  


Rey flinched at the acidity of Phasma's words because they cut deep enough to the point: that Rey needed to make up her damn mind. “I mean, I’m not. I just haven’t talked to Ben about it yet,” Rey began before getting cut off by Phasma.

  
  


“Don’t you think he deserves more than that? If you’re done with your fiance, then be done,” Phasma said as she came around Rey and started unbuttoning the dress. “If you were serious about Kylo, you would have cancelled the dress and called off your wedding plans. But you haven’t and you won’t.”

  
  


“I didn’t say I wouldn’t but how am I supposed to just throw it all away for someone who won’t even talk to me?” Rey pointed out with a note of desperation to her tone.

  
  


“Because if you loved him, you wouldn’t be with Poe. If you loved him, you'd break it off with Poe _because_ you love him and not on the contingency that Kylo is there to catch you. If you loved him, you wouldn’t be stringing him along, or your fiance for that matter."

  
  


It wasn’t that simple and even Kylo would understand that if he’d just talk to her. For Phasma, maybe it was an easy task, to just call off a wedding and be fine with being all alone, but Rey had been alone almost her whole life and she was afraid of going back to that. What would happen if she called off the wedding and Ben still wouldn’t talk to her? She would have nothing and no one and that thought terrified her. If she could just talk to Ben, make him understand that she needed his support first…

  
  


“Just leave him alone, Rey,” Phasma said, shucking the dress down Rey’s body. “It’s not fair to do this to him on top of everything else that he’s going through. He deserves more than the way you treat him. I’m tired of watching him get strung along when he’s been nothing but patient with you. I'm tired of watching the world take a shit on him when he's a _good person._ If you haven’t left your fiance yet, you’re not going to. And I’m tired of sitting back and watching Kylo get treated like an abused dog.”

  
  


“I don’t treat him like a dog,” Rey muttered, stepping out of the dress. “You don’t know anything about our relationship.”

  
  


“I know enough. I know that he’s so devastated by how you treat him that he can’t pull himself out of bed to come to work. I know that you still haven’t left your fiance. What more do I need to know?”

  
  


Rey wondered if what Phasma said was true. The thought of Ben in so much pain and misery was almost enough to bring Rey to her knees. She didn’t want to think that she had destroyed him, reduced him to a man who couldn’t get out of bed in the morning, and that she’d done it to him while he was mourning his father.

  
  


She really was that terrible, wasn’t she? She wishes she could have been a stronger person and she could see now how wrong it was of her to sleep with him when he’d been so vulnerable because if she wasn’t able to give him everything, which she knew was what he deserved, she should have given him nothing.

  
  


Before Han was gone, if she had slept with him, maybe things would be different. Maybe he would have listened to her, maybe he wouldn’t have kicked her out, maybe they would have a chance. Rey knew how Han’s passing had affected Ben -- she knew how important it had been for him to fix his mistakes and earn his father’s trust and respect. She had been there for the last conversation between father and son so she knew in her heart that Ben was already broken before she’d gotten to him at the funeral. Her only desire had been to make him feel better, taken care of, and all she’d managed to do was make it all worse.

  
  


Maybe if she’d never said anything, if he’d let her hold him the morning after, if she’d left Poe without needing anything in return from him, maybe he’d be okay. The pain of losing his father would never go away, but maybe she could have been there to pull him out of it. Maybe if she’d kept her mouth shut and just told her she loved him. There were too many maybes, but Rey was sure of one thing -- 

  
  


Ben couldn’t pull himself out of bed because of her.

  
  


Rey blinked the tears out of her eyes, “I didn’t mean to hurt him.”

  
  


“Well, you did. And if you cared about him, you’d fuck off.” Phasma put the dress on a hanger before zipping it up in a garment bag and handing it off to her. “Go have your fairytale wedding and leave him alone for good, Rey.”

  
  


She nodded as she took the bag, and walked to the door knowing that Phasma was right. How many chances had Ben given her? She could have left Poe ages ago but she never did, instead letting herself fall in love with Ben, letting him fall in love with her. And even then she hadn’t the guts to do what was right for herself, for Ben and for Poe.

  
  


She was a coward who’d finally managed to mess everything up. She wanted to go to Kylo, to fall on her knees and beg for forgiveness, but she didn’t deserve his absolution.

  
  


To the people who passed her on the street, the ones she could feel gawking at her from behind the windows of passing cars, the ones who turned around to watch her shuddering back after they’d walked past her, she must look insane. Here she was, a grown woman, carrying around a wedding dress in a plastic bag and bawling her eyes out. In reality this was New York and most people would see crazier before noon, but that didn’t stop her from feeling like she was falling apart for everyone to witness.

  
  


She didn’t even know what to do. Ben had made it clear that he was finished with her and Phasma had solidified that for her. As much as she wanted to change his mind, she didn’t deserve him or all of the things he’d offered to her. But then, should she still marry Poe? Did she even love him? After Ben, she wasn't even sure she had ever loved Poe.

  
  


Looking back at her relationship now, she was almost positive what she felt for Poe had never been love. She’d met him for the first time at Rose and Finn’s wedding. The pair had only been dating for three months before they’d decided to tie the knot, and even Rey had only met the woman a handful of times prior to the ceremony -- but there was no denying how in love her best friend was, how much Rose and Finn just _fit_. Even if she thought they were moving too fast, Rey had never seen Finn so happy so she’d given her blessing and showed up to the small ceremony they’d put together.

  
  


Rose had been the one to introduce them, Poe and Rey, and gleefully forced them into a dance together despite the fact that Rey hated dancing in front of other people. But he’d been charming and funny and when he’d asked her out on a date, she’d said yes. Finn was moving forward with his life and for the past five years, he was the only person she had. It was time for her to move on to the next stage in life, as well, before she got left behind.

  
  


Dating Poe had been _easy._ He was patient and funny and always said all the right things. He was a good friend, a good kisser, a good guy to lose her virginity to -- she’d been happy with him. With Poe, for the first time in her life, she felt looked after and wanted and loved. All things she’d never had before meeting him.

So when he’d asked her to marry him, the answer had been easy to give. She’d waited her whole life to feel the way he made her feel and it had never occurred to her that she deserved more.

She didn’t realize that he didn’t love her for her and she didn’t see until she’d met Ben all of the little ways Poe had belittled her. Rey wasn’t good with table manners and she didn’t know how to act around Poe’s colleagues and she couldn’t understand why it was inappropriate to wear her pajamas to the breakfast table. She wasn’t raised in a five million dollar Manhattan apartment and those weren’t skills she’d needed to survive. To Poe, all of these little faults in her upbringing were flaws that needed to be mended and not accepted.

Poe didn’t care about her job. He’d never even asked her why she wanted to be an architect like Ben had, instead treating it like it was just something to do until she found a rich husband to settle down and have children with. Everything he’d ever asked of her, she’d just said yes without ever thinking about what was best for _Rey_. 

  
Somehow, she managed to hail a cab and get back to her apartment, even in the midst of all of her disorienting thoughts. Between balancing the wedding dress over one arm and digging through her purse for her keys with the other, she didn’t notice the figure standing outside of her door.

  
  


“Rey…”

  
  


Startled, she looked up to meet Poe’s eyes and couldn’t help noticing how wrecked he looked. Even after sex or first thing in the morning, he always looked put together. But now, his shirt was wrinkled, his hair was disheveled like he’d spent all day running his fingers through it, and the dark circles under his eyes were visible even from the end of the hallway.

  
  


His face relaxed when he saw what she was holding and he quickly came to her, taking the dress off of her hands. “Can we talk?”

  
  


Rey didn’t know if she was in any state to talk, but maybe it was better to just get it all over with. “Okay,” she agreed, her voice sounding raw. She unlocked her door and let Poe in, watching as he draped the dress over her bed.

  
  


“You picked it up,” he nodded down at the dress, his voice lilting optimistically.

  
  


She nodded, not divulging that the only reason she’d gone to get it was because she’d been hoping to see Ben. She set her purse down and moved towards the couch, plopping herself down on it.

  
  


Poe trailed after her and sat next to her, careful not to get too close as he asked, “Does that mean the wedding is still on, Rey?”

  
  


She shrugged, looking down at her lap as she tried to blink away more tears. Maybe this is what she deserved, a kind of half-love.

  
  


“What did I do?” Poe wondered, reaching over to snatch her hand off of her lap. “Tell me so I can make it better.”

  
  


Rey frowned, looking over at where Poe was staring at her hand, twisting the engagement ring back and forth on her finger. “I don’t know,” she whispered.

  
  


“Is it Ben?” Poe asked, point blank, addressing the elephant in the room. He would have been a fool at this point not to suspect something was going on between them.

  
  


Rey drew in a shaky breath because the answer to his question wasn’t that simple. “It’s not just Ben.”

  
  


Poe clenched his jaw and let go of her hand, noticing that for the first time, she’d called him Ben and not Kylo. “Did you sleep with him?”

  
  


Rey didn’t answer as she pulled her hand back onto her lap, but the guilt that twisted in her gut must have been just as obvious on her face. All she said was, “I’m sorry.”

  
  


Now it was Poe’s turn to be silent and she knew he was angry, could feel it coming off of him in waves, and Rey wondered if this was the first time Poe had ever been jealous of Ben and not the other way around. She had time to wonder as the silence stretched on, but finally Poe spoke, “How long has it been going on, Rey?”

  
  


She cleared her throat, glancing at him from the corner of her eye, “Just after Han’s funeral. I haven’t seen him since.” She thought maybe that would ease the blow and make it a little less painful. She could tell him about the kisses at the beach house in July, all of the stolen ones since then, what they’d done in Ben’s old bedroom at Leia’s house… but it didn’t matter. Poe knew now that she’d slept with Ben and that was hurtful enough.

  
  


“So this is all because you felt guilty about sleeping with someone else?” Poe challenged, his voice taking on a hard edge.

  
  


“No,” Rey shook her head. “Didn’t you hear anything I said before Poe? Part of it was because I wasn’t sure of where we stood. We had never talked about anything. I don’t want to live in your apartment in Manhattan, Poe. I don’t like it there. And I don’t want to quit my job. And I don’t want to have kids right away. I’m not sure when I’ll have kids. We’ve never even talked about it and then you spring it on me that you want me to start popping them out as soon as we get married.”

  
  


Poe seemed to take it all in, nodding to himself as he listened to her reasoning, but finally he turned to her and asked, “So what was the other part?” 

  
  


“What?” she looked up at him, their eyes meeting for the first time since she saw him out in the hallway.

  
  


“You said part of it was because you weren’t sure where we stood. What was the other part?” Poe challenged. 

  
  


Rey broke his stare, glancing out the window as she chewed at her bottom lip. She watched someone ride past her window on a bike before saying quietly, “Part of me wasn’t sure where I stood with Ben.”

  
  


Poe said nothing to that and Rey was too scared to look at his face as he turned his body to look out her window too. A few stray snowflakes started to fall before he asked, “Are you sure now?”

  
  


Rey nodded, tears coming to her eyes. “Yes.” She knew that things were over with Ben, as much as that hurt. She couldn’t get him to listen to her or see her and even if she could, she knew that she didn’t deserve him. She couldn’t trust herself not to keep hurting him because she was screwed up inside and he was right not to trust her too. “It’s over.”

  
  


Poe cleared his throat, “Then do you want to still get married?” 

  
  


Rey’s head snapped over to him, but he was still looking out the window, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat as if he were trying to swallow his emotions. “What?”

  
  


“We can still get married,” he looked over at her, his face solemn but honest. He’d never looked at her like that, so vulnerably.

  
  


“You still want to marry me?” Rey inquired, her brows furrowed.

  
  


“If you want to,” Poe answered, turning his attention back to the window as the snow started accumulating on the sidewalks and clinging to the branches of the trees.

  
  


“Okay,” she croaked, turning to look outside as well. 

  
  


Poe would probably always say hurtful things to her and she doubted that he would ever love her as wholly as Ben had. He would never lift her up, be her shoulder to cry on, hold her when she needed it without even asking. And she would hurt him in return as he kept her by his side, with the knowledge of what she’d done with Ben, always suspecting and always knowing that she didn’t love him as deeply as she did another man. 

  
  


And Rey would marry him because that was the life that she deserved.

  
  


*****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the kudos, subs and bookmarks. I am so used to interacting with the 20-30 people who comment that I sometimes forget the story is actually read by way more people. I never thought I'd get to 500 kudos so thank you to everyone who is still reading!


	18. March 2021

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The moodboard for this chapter was made by [thesupremejedi](https://twitter.com/thesupremejedi) again! I am so in love and I think it does a perfect job capturing the mood of this chapter! <3
> 
>   
> 

Chapter 18 March 2021 - 2 months before the wedding

  
  


Ben Solo had a dream, or maybe it was more of a fantasy that he’d indulged in during the weeks where he barely left his room save to use the bathroom or find something to ease the gnawing hunger in his stomach.

  
  


In the dream, he’d never stolen the falcon. He’d gone to Columbia like Leia had wanted, he got some nondescript job that made good money and actually enjoyed going to Sunday dinners with his parents (who were proud of him).

  
  


In the dream he’d meet Rey somewhere, sometimes at a bar with his friends where he’d buy her a drink and she would make eyes at him from across the room. Sometimes he’d be set up with her by an acquaintance where they’d have a nice dinner and walk around the city holding hands, talking like they’d known each other all of their lives. He came up with a million different scenarios but in each of them, he’d get to her before she ever met Poe. They’d fall in love, get married and have kids who would be doted on by Grandpa Han in a way that he never was growing up.

  
  


It was a fantasy that would never come true because he hadn’t been a good son and he hadn’t walked the path that his parents had wanted him to, so he would never be enough for them or for Rey.

  
  


He hadn’t felt this hopeless since he was a teenager and it had been years since he’d wanted a fix, something to make him feel nothing. The best thing he could do for himself was stay in bed to avoid the temptation. 

  
  


He stopped bothering to charge his phone once Phasma had called and told him not to worry about work. There was no one he wanted to talk to, even though he knew the only people who cared enough about him were his mother and Rey. One was grieving and the other one was gone now.

  
  


He knew someone was in his home when he heard the clicking of a pair of high heels climbing his stairs in a rush and some stupid part of him held out hope that it was Rey until his mother swung open the door of his bedroom.

  
  


His first thought was that she looked old. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen Leia without any makeup or ornate hairdo, but he knew he shouldn’t be surprised -- the love of her life had just died. As she looked at him, a thousand different expressions passed over her face: fear, anger, relief and finally pain.

  
  


“Benjamin…” she called hoarsely as she crossed the room to sit on the edge of his bed, reaching out to touch his face. “I was worried about you.”

  
  


He felt guilty then, because the last thing Leia needed was to be worried about her son. She should be taking care of herself. “I’m fine.”

  
  


She gave him a look, because clearly he wasn’t fine. “I want you to go take a shower. I’ll make you something to eat.”

  
  


“Mom…” he opened his mouth to argue, because she shouldn’t be here, she should be home grieving.

  
  


“Ben,” her thumb stroked his cheek and she looked at him with all the love that only a mother could. “I’m sorry I haven’t been a good mother. You’re all I have left, please don’t push me away.”

  
  


He closed his eyes and breathed out of his nose to calm himself down. He shouldn’t have any tears left to cry, but sure enough he could feel them coming. He nodded, pressing his lips together, too afraid to speak so that she’d hear the warble of his voice.

  
  


“We need each other right now,” she patted his shoulder. “But first you need to clean yourself up. I’ll be in the kitchen,” she told him before closing the door behind her.

  
  


As much as he hated to admit it to the part of him that just wanted to wallow, it felt good to have his mother's presence in his home. There was a part of him that felt guilty for tearing her away from her mourning, but he wanted to be taken care of too much to argue with her on it.

  
  


After showering, he made his way downstairs, his knees and ankles and hips cracking from disuse. When he got to the kitchen, he noticed Chewie sitting on the floor at her feet as she flipped pancakes. 

  
  


He pulled a couple of plates out of the cupboards as he glanced down into the pan, “Mickey Mouse pancakes?” He hadn’t had those since he was a kid when his mom would make them on Sunday mornings before church. It was the only day of the week that none of them had meetings or work or baseball games or school.

  
  


Leia smiled and slid a couple out of the pan onto one of the plates. “It’s been so long since I’ve made them. They look more like teddy bears.”

  
  


Kylo tried to smile, but it was more of a grimace as he pulled a bottle of maple syrup from the refrigerator and carried it to the table. He sat down, staring at the bottle as he heard Leia turn off the burner on the stove. 

  
  


Chewie’s nails clicked on the hardwood floors as Leia carried the plates over and set one in front of her son before seating herself across from him. The silence stretched on as he poured some syrup onto the pancakes and passed the bottle to Leia. It wasn’t until he was cutting into his pancakes with the side of his fork that Leia finally spoke, “Ben, I’m sorry I never told you I was proud of you.”

  
  


His hand froze on the way to his mouth and suddenly his appetite disappeared and the tears came back to sting his eyes. He just shook his head at her until she reached over and touched his hand gently. “I am, I’m so proud of the man you’ve become. You’ve beat addiction, made a career for yourself, made your own money. Any mother would be proud.”

  
  


He shook his head again, “Dad wasn’t.”

  
  


“Oh, Ben. He was, he was so proud of you,” Leia insisted.

  
  


“Don’t lie, it’s not going to make this easier for me,” his voice trembled as he pressed the prongs of his fork into a pancake and watched the maple syrup float to the surface. 

  
  


Leia exhaled a long breath and the end cracked into a dry chuckle. “You and your father are so much alike.”

  
  


That made Kylo’s eyes snap up to hers, because he’d never felt like his father’s son. He wasn’t interested in cars and never understood Han’s crass sense of humor.

  
  


The shock at the statement must have been clear to Leia because she smiled at him, “You are both too stubborn for your own good. And too proud.”

  
  


He didn’t miss the way she talked about Han like he was still alive, and he felt pity for her as he looked away. “Then maybe I just never felt like he was proud.”

  
  


“He was,” Leia insisted. “We were just all too good at hurting each other to realize how much we loved each other. Rey helped us realize that.”

  
  


Kylo shoved his plate away, “I don’t want to talk about her.”

  
  


Leia nodded, deciding to drop that line of conversation. “He loved you so much, Ben.” She looked at him as though she were holding something back, something she was worried might break him rather than help him. “He was coming here to see you that night.”

  
  


He froze and looked at her, then tore his eyes away guiltily. If that hadn’t been the case, Han would still be here. Why would she tell him something so horrible? He never should have yelled at Han, he should have walked away from the argument that night.

  
  


“No, Ben. No, no,” Leia stood up and came around the table, pulling her son into her arms. “It's not your fault. He wanted you to know he was proud of you, he couldn’t wait until the morning because he was too stubborn. I’m not telling you this so that you take the blame. I’m telling you this because you deserve to know that the only thing he wanted that night was to come tell you how much he loves you.”

  
  


He felt himself collapse against her shoulder and let himself cry as she stroked his back. “I’m sorry.”

  
  


She rubbed his back soothingly. “You have nothing to apologize for. I do and your father sure as hell did. I’m sorry, Ben. We weren’t good parents, we never told you how much we love you or how happy we were to have you back. When we found out you moved back here, your father couldn’t stop smiling.”

  
  


“Really?”

  
  


“Mmhm,” Leia hummed, smiling at the memory.

  
  


“I miss him,” Kylo mumbled against her shoulder. 

  
“Me too,” she agreed, pulling back to look down at her grown son who looked so much like a little boy with all of the splotchy redness on his face. “I know it’s too late, but I want to be there for you. I want a better relationship.”

  
  


Kylo leaned against the table, looking at his mom. It was too late for Han, but it wasn’t too late for Leia. As much as she had hurt him in the past, he didn’t want to feel all the same regrets he felt now in regards to Han. “Me too.”

  
  


Leia pulled him into another hug, “I missed you.”

  
  


He gave her a big squeeze, the kind of bear hugs that Han would give her when she was being a thorn in his side, and his mother made a noise that was torn between a laugh and a sob. He thought again about how she must be feeling and he regretted not being there for her while she was grieving. “Are you okay, mom?”

  
  


“No,” she said honestly. “But I am doing better.” She left off the ‘because of you’ but he could feel it in the way she squeezed him as she pulled out of the hug. “How are you?”

  
  


He shrugged as he leaned back in his chair and pulled his plate back towards him, lifting a piece of cold pancake up to his mouth. “I’m fine.”

  
  


She gave him a knowing look, “You dropped off the face of the earth. You’re not okay and that’s fine, but let me be here for you.”

  
  


The pancakes tasted like ash but he swallowed it down anyway and cut himself off another piece. “I’ll be fine.”

  
  


“What happened with Rey?” Leia asked carefully.

  
  


Kylo put his fork down and sat stiffly in the chair. “Nothing.”

  
  


“Something happened. She left the funeral with you,” Leia pressed. “Don’t shut me out now.”

  
  


There was no way he was going to divulge that he’d slept with Rey, not after his mother lost it when he told her he’d kissed Rey all those months ago. He shrugged, “She’s marrying Poe.”

  
  


“And?” Leia raised an eyebrow. “That doesn’t mean she loves him.”

  
  


He scoffed and stood up abruptly, picking up the dirty dishes and carrying them to the sink. “Doesn’t mean she loves me either.”

  
  


Leia followed him to the sink, “ The night of the party, she defended you. She yelled at your father and me and even Poe for the way we’ve treated you. She cried for you.”

  
  


Ben closed his eyes, feeling torn up inside with the weight of that information. Even if she didn’t love him, she was the only person who’d ever stood up for him. She’d fought for him in a way, even if it wasn’t how he’d wanted her to fight for him. “Why are you telling me this?”

  
  


“Because you deserve to hear it. Because you think that girl doesn’t love you, but she stood up for you and tried to take care of you after Han’s funeral.”

  
  


“You got mad at me when I kissed her and now you’re, what…? Trying to push me towards her?” He glanced warily at his mother.

  
  


“That’s when I thought you were chasing after the poor thing,” Leia laughed. “But then I saw the way she looked at you at the dress fitting and I knew. I’ve known for months that it’s not one-sided.”

  
  


“She left me for Poe.” That was all he could say because as conflicted as he felt by what his mother was telling him, that was the truth of it.

  
  


“What happened?” Leia pushed, because clearly there was something important that he was leaving out.

  
  


He gave his mom a pointed look that made it clear what had happened, that they’d slept together and that it had all gone downhill from there. He left out the part where he’d told Rey that he loved her. He had no regrets about the way he felt, or even about telling her, but there was a part of him that was embarrassed that she hadn't returned it and even more so that he'd blurted it out after sex. He wasn't surprised that she didn't feel the same way, but that didn't make it any less devastating for him.  
  


“And she went back to Poe?” Leia asked, not connecting all of the dots.

  
  


“Obviously,” He muttered, shoving the dishes he’d rinsed into the dishwasher and closing the door a little too aggressively.

  
  


“Have you talked to her about it?” The question was gentle but pressing.

  
  


“There isn’t anything to talk about,” Kylo bit out.

  
  


“Oh, Ben. That’s so stupid. You can’t let her marry him. Whether it’s in a month or a year or in 5 years, it’s not going to last,” Leia told her son sympathetically.

  
  


“I know that!” Kylo spat out, sounding angrier than he actually was. If he was honest with himself, at this point, he felt resigned to the fact that her relationship with Poe would never make her happy and there was nothing he could do about it. “I’ve told her that a million times. I’ve told her that she deserves better than to settle with him. I’ve told her I love her, but that’s not good enough. There’s nothing else that I can do.”

  
  


“Talk to her,” his mother pleaded.

  
“I’m not good enough and I can’t keep crawling back to her when she doesn’t want me,” he argued, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. “I’ve already given up.”

  
  


Leia gave him the most heartbreaking look, and cupped his face in her hands, looking up towards her son, “You’ve always been good enough.”

  
  


He shook his head, trying to put some distance between them. “I’m not.” He hadn’t been enough for his parents and clearly he wasn’t enough for Rey and the weight of that feeling was crushing him.

  
  


“You are,” Leia insisted, her own voice cracking. “Look at me, Ben.” When he looked down at his mother’s face, it was an expression he’d only seen her use in court, like a lioness about to crush her prey. “You are good enough. For your father and me. For Rey. You don’t deserve to feel that way.”

  
  


Kylo sighed through his tears, wishing he could believe those words, but he knew that Ben Solo had never been enough so he’d reinvented himself and now even Kylo Ren wasn’t good enough. Poe was the kind of person who was enough without ever trying -- he got the grades, the ivy league schools, the respect, the girl. “What is wrong with me?”

  
  


Leia pulled him into another hug and he could feel her crying against him. “Nothing, Ben,” she managed to sniff. “Let me help you. Let’s get you some help, ok?”

  
  


Ben knew what his mother was suggesting, knew somewhere that it was what he needed to do, but he didn’t know if he had the strength to do it. He felt ruined by everything that happened in the past couple of months and didn’t know if he could handle spilling himself out to a stranger in a sterile office somewhere.

  
  


“We’ll go together. I’ll help you,” Leia promised, reaching for Ben’s hand, and he nodded. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will reply to comments from the last chapter as I can, but I'm honestly blown away by the response the chapter got! I want you to know that I'm not upset that people are angry/annoyed at Rey. I knew people would flip over the face that Rey decided to marry Poe so I was expecting some push back. I only had to scold one person, so I'll count that as a win XD Thank you all so much! I'm really very happy that the last chapter sparked such passionate opinions and even some really civil discourse!
> 
> I hope this chapter makes you all feel a little bit better! The next chapter will take a little longer before I post it, but it's looking like it'll be at least twice as long as this one so be a little patient with me! I'll see you all in a few days! <3


	19. April 2021

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The moodboard for this chapter was made by [thesupremejedi](https://twitter.com/thesupremejedi) again! She made me something "hopeful" for us this time, so please enjoy! And be sure to follow her on Twitter because she's a talented artist and cool person (that's a fact, not opinion!)

Chapter 19 April 2021 - 1 month before the wedding

[ Rey’s dress ](https://www.neimanmarcus.com/p/alice-olivia-tegan-feather-party-dress-prod230180358?childItemId=NMT0NTH_&navpath=cat000000_cat000001_cat58290731_cat48730734_cat9360738&page=0&position=69)

Rey hadn’t wanted a bachelorette party -- she didn’t have many friends and her impending wedding wasn’t necessarily something she felt like celebrating. What was becoming abundantly clear to her was that it never really mattered to anyone else what  _ she _ wanted. 

When a very pregnant Rose showed up at her apartment with an outfit picked out for Rey, a large bottle of champagne and the spattering of female friends and acquaintances that she had from work or university, there wasn’t really any choice but to go along with it. She took the dress to the bathroom to change while Rose opened the bottle of champagne and passed it around the room to the guests.

Once the bathroom door was closed, Rey gave an annoyed huff. She’d told Rose that she didn’t want a bachelorette party to which her friend had been adamant that since Poe was having a send-off party, she had to have one too. Frankly, Rey didn’t really care what Poe did.

To say that things had been tense between them in the past month was an understatement. They hadn’t argued -- but they’d been tiptoeing around one another as the tension escalated. Poe tried to pretend that her infidelity was water under the bridge, he hadn’t brought it up again, but he also hadn’t tried to touch her or kiss her since their conversation. And Rey didn’t know how to behave or even why she’d agreed to marry him, but she knew that she was in for a lifetime of misery if things were always going to be this awkward between them.

She wondered if he had told Finn or Rose about what she’d done with Ben, but the fact that they’d only treated her with their usual kindness led her to believe that they had no idea. Maybe Poe was embarrassed that Rey had cheated or maybe he was holding it over her head to use at a later date to make her feel wretched all over again. She wasn’t sure and didn’t want to think the worst, but she also couldn’t help but feel like she was waiting for the other proverbial shoe to drop in the shit show that her life was becoming. 

Her thoughts were interrupted as Rose opened the door and let herself into the bathroom, waddling over to the toilet as Rey put her dress on. “Sorry I really have to pee.”

“Rose, we don’t have to do this. You’re literally about to burst,” Rey pointed out, trying to get out of this one last time as she nodded towards her friend’s giant belly.

“No way,” Rose insisted. “Poe and Finn are probably three sheets to the wind and getting lap dances right now! I want to have fun!”

“You can’t even drink,” Rey countered, struggling to hide her bra under the dress before finally giving up and taking it off altogether.

“I can get a lap dance though,” Rose waggled her eyebrows as she stood up and flushed the toilet.

Rey wanted to point out that Rose really didn’t have much of a lap anymore, but decided instead to focus on the possibility of a male stripper. “Please tell me you didn’t hire a male stripper.”

“I may or may not have,” she teased as she hip checked Rey out of the way to wash her hands. “God, you look good. Can’t wait to have my body back.” Rose reached down and rubbed her oversized tummy. 

Rey still couldn’t believe Finn was about to become a dad and here she was still struggling to get her head on straight. “Well, let’s get this over with.”

As soon as Rey stepped out of the bathroom, her old college roommate Kaydel was on her with a glass of champagne and a curling iron and Rose’s older sister Paige was attacking her face with a tube of raspberry-colored lipstick. Rey did her part by sitting on the bed and letting the girls fuss over her as she sipped at her champagne. 

“Oh, let’s take a picture to send to Poe!” Rose suggested pulling out her phone and making Rey pose with Kaydel. “Show him what he’s missing.”

Rey knew that he wouldn’t think he was missing much, but she posed with a smile and let Rose take the picture. What she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her and now she was sure the other woman didn’t know otherwise she certainly wouldn’t be here.    
  
“The limo’s here,” Jessica, one of her co-workers, called as she glanced out the window.

Rey let the group of girls lead her downstairs and into the limo amidst a lot of “Woo!”ing and before the car even pulled away from the curb another bottle of champagne was being popped open.

“What are the plans for tonight?” Rey asked as her champagne flute was refilled.

“I already told you. Male stripper,” Rose winked, earning her a shove from her older sister. “We’re just going to go dancing and drinking, relax.”

Rey raised her eyebrows at the plans for the evening, nothing that she would have chosen for herself, she never liked drinking or dancing, but the theme of her bachelorette party seemed to be doing the opposite of what Rey wanted.

*****

Rey had lost count of the amount of bars they’d been to -- and the amount of drinks she’d had for that matter, as Paige plopped down into the seat next to her. 

“One more month. Are you getting nervous?” she asked as she refilled Rey’s glass. It seemed as though all of the girls were taking turns to make sure that the flute was full at all times and Rey was definitely starting to feel the effects.

Rey shrugged in response and took a drink as she glanced at the dance party her friends were having. “Not really.”

“I still can’t believe Poe is marrying anyone but Rose,” Paige mused as she watched her sister dancing.

“Yeah, they dated in high school, right?” Rey added, taking another sip. Finally, she had someone willing to give her the full story. At first it had made Rey tease her friends but when she tried to get any details about their past, Rose and Poe dodged her questions or changed the subject.

“High school?” Paige raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, but like, they dated basically right up to when she married Finn.”

Rey’s head whipped towards Paige so fast that she swore she heard her neck crack. “What?”

“You didn’t know?” Paige asked, her face turning pink as she realized she’d spilled some long kept secret. She looked unsure of whether or not she should continue but Rey’s incredulous expression must have prompted her to continue, “I mean, yeah… we all thought she’d marry Poe and then poof all of a sudden there was this Finn guy out of nowhere that she said she was marrying.”

Rey blinked and turned away from Paige, trying to process this conversation. Rey knew that Finn and Rose had a whirlwind romance and as far as she knew, they’d married only a few months after meeting. Knowing that Rose had been with Poe for so long to suddenly end up with Finn was upsetting and Rey felt a storm brewing inside of her. Before she even knew what she was doing, Rey was marching across the room towards Rose, ignoring Paige’s worried questions.

“Rey! Dance with me!” Rose grinned, stretching her hands out to her friend before seeing the look on her face and dropping her hands to her side. “What’s wrong?”

“You dated Poe basically until you married Finn?” Rey asked incredulously. “Does Finn know?” Maybe that was why she was so upset -- Finn didn’t deserve to be Rose’s rebound or whatever. For Rey it was infinitely easier to be angry on Finn’s behalf than to be upset over the implications this new information had on her own relationship with Poe.

“Who told you that?” The look of pure shock on Rose’s face betrayed any denial that might have fallen from her lips.

“Paige,” Rey reached and grabbed a drink out of Kaydel’s hand, downing it to resist the urge to do something more violent with her hands. “What the  _ fuck _ , Rose? Is Finn some kind of rebound or--?”

“No! Rey, no! It’s not like that. I love Finn,” Rose took the glass out of Rey’s hand and led her back to the booth where Paige was sitting, looking very contrite for having upset Rey. “Sit down.” She filled the glass with the bottle of champagne on the table and handed it back to Rey.

“Is this why you and Poe refuse to talk about it?” Rey accused, shrugging away Rose’s arm as she tried to put it around Rey’s shoulders.

She had the decency to look contrite about the situation, understanding now that she wasn’t going to be able to continue brushing off Rey’s questions. “It wasn’t important!” Rose tried soothing and then added quietly, “We didn’t want you getting upset over nothing.”

“I don’t feel like this is nothing,” Rey pointed out, trying her hardest to reign in the anger she felt over the situation. “You guys had been together for ten years and you never thought to tell me.”

“Our relationship wasn’t ever going to end in marriage. We were already in a rough patch when we met Finn,” Rose explained desperately. 

Rey set her glass down on the table, starting to feel the effects of drinking three glasses in the span of five minutes. “ _ We _ ?”

Rose blushed, and looked around to make sure no one was listening. “Um, yeah. We met Finn on Tinder. We were looking for a third.”

“A third?” Rey’s brows furrowed in confusion.

“Yeah, you know. Sex was becoming a little stale, so Poe and I decided to maybe try something a little different…” Rose started to explain, her face so red that she couldn’t even look Rey in the eyes.

Rey was stunned speechless, unable to even process what Rose was telling her. Part of her was so angry that she’d been kept in the dark -- she was going to be  _ marrying _ Poe and none of her friends deemed it important to share that they’d all been sleeping together. The other part of her felt so stupid that she was just an inexperienced virgin when she met Poe who had just come off of his last relationship which consisted of threesomes and who knows what else.

Rose seemed to sense that Rey was on the verge of a mental breakdown, so she reached over to take Rey’s hand, which she gave limply as she stared at the table and tried to process the information she was being given. “Don’t freak out, okay? This is part of the reason why none of us wanted to tell you.”

Rey clenched her jaw and snatched her hand away from Rose. “Don’t I have the right to know?” she asked. “My best friend and his wife, not to mention my  _ fiance _ , were all… I don’t even know... A couple?” Rey was fuming and she knew that her alcohol consumption was contributing to her inability to process the information rationally, but she didn’t understand why  _ she _ had to be rational. She was allowed to feel betrayed, wasn’t she? “You all just decide behind my back that I don’t need to know that?”

“We didn’t think that-” Rose began before Rey cut her off.

“You didn’t think at all! If I had known that, I probably never would have gotten into a relationship with Poe!” Rey cried, moving away from Rose as though even being close to her was painful.

“Exactly! You wouldn’t have and you would have missed out on the love of your life,” Rose insisted.

That phrase caused a damn to break for Rey because she knew that Poe wasn’t the love of her life. Her hands flew to her face as she choked out a sob and stood up. Rey had thought that nothing could possibly be more painful than knowing how much she had hurt Ben, but knowing she’d lost him because of this whole mess was much worse.

“Rey, don’t cry,” Rose begged, trying to pull her friend back down into the seat. “We never wanted to hurt you. Finn and I just didn’t want Poe to be alone and we both agreed that you would be a good couple.”

“No! You felt guilty that you were running off to be together so you stuck Poe with someone so that you wouldn’t have to feel bad about falling in love with someone else,” Rey accused as she stared down at the table from where she was standing. She glanced over to Rose before adding, “You were being selfish.”

Rose’s eyes filled with tears at the accusation, but she finally agreed with a nod, “I’m sorry, Rey.”

Rose didn’t understand why this information was so devastating to Rey -- not because she was a rebound for Poe. No, she could understand perfectly his fear of being all alone and the need to fill that loneliness. She couldn’t find it in her heart to be upset or angry at Poe when they were two sides of the same coin here, clinging to one another to avoid being left behind. 

What was most upsetting about this revelation was that if she had known that Poe was involved with Rose and Finn, she never would have made the decision to date him, let alone marry him. That girl who had dated Poe had only wanted to be loved and wanted by someone, not be someone’s rebound or the girl that someone settled for. Now, she could understand his feelings because for months she’d known that marrying Poe would only be settling, but Rey wouldn’t have settled for Poe knowing that he was only settling as well. She never would have started a relationship with him.

And if Poe had never been in the picture, she never would have had to deny her attraction to Ben. Ignoring the fact that they may never have met, they would have at least been free to love each other. She never would have hurt him or had to deny her feelings.

For as much as she’d hurt Ben and Poe, this revelation also made Rey realize how much  _ she’d _ been hurt. Finn, her very best friend, had lied to her about how he’d met Rose -- had gone as far as letting Rose set her up with Poe so that his wife could avoid a guilty conscience about falling in love with someone else. And Poe, who’d hidden from her the fact that he’d dated Rose for ten years, that he’d slept with Finn, that he probably only proposed to her so that he wasn’t alone -- he’d cut her deep in his own way by never once being honest with her.

All of it made Rey feel like she had no one. For the past nine months, she’d been so afraid that acting on her attraction to Ben would lead to everyone abandoning her. She’d fought tooth and nail to deny her growing feelings and try to do the right thing, to resist what her heart wanted, all for absolutely nothing.

She’d been alone her whole life, abandoned by her parents and taken in by foster family after foster family that never loved her enough to even consider adopting her. 

Finn had been the first person to ever care about her. She’d opened her heart to him about the day her mother left her in a park and about how she’d stayed on the bench waiting for her to come back until dark when someone called the police. She’d told him about how one of her foster fathers wouldn’t feed her unless she did work around the house and about how she often had to rely on school lunches to get any food at all. He knew everything about her and he’d kept something so important a secret.

All of these people she’d placed so much importance on just because she had such a small support system, she was coming to realize weren’t a support system at all. Rey backed away from the table, where Rose was still watching her unravel with teary eyes. “Where are you going?”

“I need to get out of here,” Rey told her as she shook out of her thoughts to realize that she’d been crying this whole time.

“Sit down. You’ve had too much to drink,” Rose stood up and reached out for her.

“No!” Rey backed further away until her back hit another table and then pivoted on her heel and rushed out of the bar. She had no idea where she was going and she couldn’t exactly run in her dress and shoes, so her hand shot out to hail a cab.

No sooner had she settled in the back seat than her phone began to ring from inside of her clutch and when she saw it was Rose, she declined it and leaned back, closing her eyes and letting the tears fall. 

She’d made so many mistakes over the past few months, but the biggest one, perhaps of her entire life, was not telling Ben how she felt. That was going to change tonight.

When the cab pulled up in front of Ben’s apartment, Rey paid quickly and climbed out of the cab, her dizziness cuing her into just how much she’d had to drink. It was on wobbly legs that she climbed the stairs leading to his front door and she pressed down on the buzzer with one hand and pounded with the other, determined to make him listen to her this time.

The door swung open quickly and Rey was surprised to see Leia standing there. For a moment she was almost afraid of the older woman as she remembered that their last conversation, before Han died, had not ended well.

“Rey!” Leia said warmly, alleviating all of Rey’s fears as she was ushered past the threshold and into the hall.

“Is Ben here?” Rey asked as Leia led her into the parlor and sat her down on one of the couches there.

“I’m sure he’s around here somewhere,” Leia acknowledged as she sat next to Rey and brushed a hand over her hair in a motherly fashion. “Have you been crying?”

Rey stared down at her lap but gave a nod as her phone started ringing again -- this time it was Finn. She declined that call too because she was feeling too betrayed to talk to him. He could stew in his worry and guilt for a while, maybe forever. As soon as she declined that call, another one came from Poe and this time she threw the phone on the floor and stomped hard on it with the spiked heel of her shoe. 

She picked up the phone, shocked at her own anger that led her to do such a thing and glanced over at Leia. “What happened?” Leia questioned carefully as she looked at Rey with concern.

Footsteps sounded in the hallway and Rey froze as she looked up to where Ben walked around the corner to ask, “What was that noise?” If his facial expression was any indication, he was shocked to see Rey sitting on his couch.

“Why don’t I leave you two alone to talk?” Leia suggested, patting Rey’s shoulder as she stood up and excused herself from the room.

Ben was still standing in the doorway, looking at Rey with an unreadable expression that made Rey fidget. She wished he’d say something so that she knew how to react -- was he angry still? Sad? Did he love her still?

“Hi,” she squeaked out, tearing her eyes away from him to turn her phone in her palm.

The silence stretched on, but without looking, she knew he was stepping further into the room and she held her breath when she saw his legs as he came to stand near the couch. “What did you do?” Rey looked up and he nodded at the phone in her hands.

“I broke it,” she murmured, casting her eyes back down to it. She was sure it was broken beyond repair but at least the calls had stopped.

“Why?” Ben wondered, sitting down on the couch carefully, as far from her as he could.

Rey blinked back tears, upset that he wouldn’t sit closer but so very grateful that he wasn’t yelling at her anymore. “I didn’t want to talk to Finn or Rose or Poe.”

“What happened?” he asked quietly and Rey almost wanted to cry with how bothered he sounded.

No thought went into what she was telling him -- as soon as she opened her mouth, words just started pouring out as though she would die if she didn’t get them out. She told Ben about what she’d learned at the bachelorette party, about how stupid she felt to learn she’d been manipulated and lied to by everyone she thought cared about her. She told him about her childhood, her mom and the foster homes and even a little bit about the drunk Unkar Plutt. She told him how sorry she was, how much she regretted not leaving Poe as soon as she started realizing how right he’d been all along.

She talked and talked until her voice grew hoarse and Ben only sat and patiently listened as she sobbed her way through her entire life story leading up to this point. When she was done and the words all dried up, she was struck by an intense guilt. She felt so unworthy of that patience and ashamed for even being there -- who was she to show up at his house while he was grieving and burden him with her drunken ramblings? She’d broken his heart and he certainly didn’t owe it to her to listen. Eventually, she just trailed off into sobs of, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…”

At some point, Leia had come into the room and was leaning against the doorway, looking down at Rey with something between pity and sympathy, “She’s had a bit much to drink, hasn’t she?” She was aware she was intruding on something private as she entered the room, but her motherly instincts were taking over, “Come on, Ben. Help me put her to bed.”

Leia helped Rey remove her shoes and then Ben guided her upstairs as her crying tapered off into sniffling. He hadn’t said a word the entire time she’d been talking about even now she couldn’t gauge how he was feeling, almost as if he were indifferent to the entire situation. Rey knew him well enough to know that he had plenty of thoughts about everything she told him -- the twitch of his eye, the clenching of his jaw, the way his lips parted as though he wanted to say something -- she knew he cared but for whatever reason, he wasn’t talking.

Rey knew his home well enough now that she knew he was leading her to his bedroom and once they stepped inside, she stood awkwardly in the center of the room as he wordlessly went to his closet and came back with a t-shirt, handing it to her. 

She took it gratefully and somehow managed to shimmy out of her dress before pulling it on over her head. As soon as she stepped away, Ben was picking up the dress and putting in on a hanger and Rey had to pinch herself to keep from smiling because it was such a  _ Kylo _ thing to do.

After hanging it on the back of his door, he nodded towards the bed, “You can stay here tonight.”

She nodded and padded her way over to his bed, lifting the covers and crawling underneath. The sheets and pillows smelled like him and Rey found herself relaxing, even more so as he came closer and sat on the edge of the bed, looking down at her. 

Once, twice, he raised his hand like he wanted to reach out to her and Rey finally remembered what she had come all this way to say, even though hours had passed and she’d done nothing but talk. “Ben…”

His face softened and finally he reached out, brushing a knuckle against the soft skin of her cheek, making Rey’s own heart skip a beat.

“Ben,” she tried again, willing her pulse to stop racing. She was so afraid to say the words, didn’t know if it would change anything --  _ terrified _ that it wouldn’t. She didn’t deserve a fairy tale ending here, to be swept up in Ben’s arms and have everything forgiven, no matter how much her heart wanted it. But then she realized, it wasn’t about what she wanted. Her reasons for saying it (or for being too afraid to) shouldn’t hinge on how the outcome benefited her. For so long she’d refused to say it because she’d been selfishly thinking about how it would affect her life and completely ignored how much it would mean to him. Loving someone wasn’t about being selfish, she knew. Loving someone meant putting them above yourself sometimes and Ben had proved that over and over again. “I love you,” she whispered, blinking back tears as she looked up at him.

“I know,” he said softly, pushing her hair off of her forehead. “Get some sleep, Rey.” He stood up and turned off the lights, closing the door behind him as he left her to sleep off the alcohol.

*****

By the time Ben came back downstairs, Leia was putting on her coat and shoes, earning her a disapproving look from her son. She’d been practically living in one of the guest rooms for the past couple of weeks and it had been nice for both of them -- Ben had some much needed emotional support and Leia got away from the house she’d shared with Han and all the memories that came with it. 

“I think it’s time I head home,” Leia explained.

“You don’t have to,” Ben disagreed, watching as she finished slipping into her sensible pumps.

“I know,” she walked to him and gave his arm a squeeze. “I’m only thirty minutes away. We’re still on for Sunday dinners and therapy on Wednesdays.”

Ben nodded, “Of course.” He leaned down and gave his mom a kiss on the cheek as she patted his back.

“I’m very proud of you,” she told him for what must have been the millionth time. Ben never got sick of hearing it. “Good luck.”

He walked his mom out to the curb where a cab was waiting for her and opened the door. “I’ll call you soon,” he promised and closed the door for her once she was settled into her seat.

The one good thing that had come out of this entire situation was that it had brought him closer to his mother than he’d ever been. He was so thankful to her, for staying by his side for these past few weeks and getting him to therapy.

Therapy had been… an adjustment. Ben wasn’t used to having someone listen to him and validate his experiences. Twice a week, once for a solo session and once for a family session with his mom, Ben sat down in an office (which was not at all sterile like he’s imagined) and poured his soul out to a practical stranger. That had been awkward, at first.

But now, Ben was finding it easier to tell Dr. Holdo about everything he was feeling. Even if he wasn’t ‘better’, hell he didn’t know if there was such a thing, he at least felt unburdened. Stronger. And he knew he would need that strength come morning when he had to talk to Rey.

*****

Rey woke up with a pounding headache and a dry scratchy throat. She knew as soon as she woke up where she was because the entire room smelled just like Kylo. Ben. The memories of last night came back to her and she felt a pang of anguish as she remembered what Rose had told her. When the sharp shock of that memory faded, she felt a sense of relief that she’d finally managed to tell Ben how she felt about him.

She knew now that they’d have to talk about what that all meant and she was sure it was going to be infinitely more painful than last night. Even if he took her back, the conversation was bound to be agonizing if only for the fact that she needed to apologize for every thing she’d done to hurt him.

But first, she needed a drink because she was sure that her throat had never felt as dry in her entire life. Once she stumbled out of bed, she opened the bedroom door and heard voices from downstairs.

“Is she here?” Rey recognized the voice immediately.  _ Finn _ .

“She’s sleeping,” Ben said. “And I don’t think she wants to talk to you.”

“Please, just let me explain to her…”

“Explain what -- how you lied to her about your relationship with Poe?” Ben asked, his tone not antagonistic, but subtly furious.

Finn had better sense than to argue with Ben or perhaps he felt too guilty to deny the accusation. “Can I at least see her? We’re all worried about her.”

“She’s fine. I told you, she’s sleeping,” Ben said, blocking the door to keep Finn from entering. 

Rey crept down the stairs, listening to the conversation and trying to remain unnoticed. She’d never been more appreciative of Ben than she was now. She didn’t want to see Finn right now.

“Well, can you tell her I stopped by?”

“I’ll tell her,” Ben agreed and stepped inside, closing the door and ending the conversation. “Worried about her? You weren’t worried when you set her up with that jackass,” Ben muttered under his breath and then turned, freezing when he noticed Rey watching from the stairs.

“Morning,” she croaked and then tried clearing her throat.

“Thirsty?” Ben asked, shoving his hands in his pockets as he gestured to the staircase leading down to the kitchen.

Rey nodded and led the way. Once she reached the bottom floor, she grabbed a glass from the cupboard, filled it at the sink, gulped it all down and then refilled it. She turned to Ben and gestured to the table in the dining nook. “Can we talk?”

*****

Ben nodded at Rey, trying not to focus on how much she seemed to belong as she moved around the kitchen like she owned it -- all while wearing his t-shirt as a nightgown.

She moved around the counter and seated herself at the table, tapping her fingernails against her glass as she appeared to be gathering her thoughts. “I’m sorry. I know you probably don’t want me here,” she began awkwardly.

Ben shook his head, “No, I think a talk was overdue.” Ben had barely got any sleep at all last night, thinking about Rey and what he would say to her.

He’d been in therapy for only a few weeks, but he’d learned a lot about his own patterns of unhealthy thinking to know that Rey was probably the same way. He _ thought _ no one loved him, which led to him  _ feeling _ unworthy of love which led to him acting out in a way that made it hard for others to love him -- like stealing Han’s car or pursuing a woman that had made it clear she wouldn’t leave her fiance. And that just landed him back at page one, thinking himself unworthy of love.

As hurt as he was at Rey and as much as he wanted to yell at her for how much she’d hurt him, for showing up here when he was trying his best to move on, for fucking  _ marrying _ Poe after everything… he knew it would only hurt her more.

He didn’t want to hurt Rey. Not really.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, trying to break the silence.

Rey’s tongue darted out to wet her lips and then they parted as though she was going to say something before she settled with a shrug. After a beat, “Thanks for sending Finn away.” 

Ben nodded and Rey looked up at him, their eyes locking in an intense stare. “I meant what I said last night,” she told him. “That was all I came to say. I’m sorry I unloaded everything else on you. I shouldn’t have done that.”

Ben smirked, “I didn’t think you were ever going to shut up last night.” Her shoulders relaxed at Ben’s joke and that made him relax in turn. “Thank you for telling me all of that. You know, about your mom and the foster homes.” 

That was another thing that had kept him from sleep. He thought back to how upset she’d gotten all those months ago in the Hamptons when he’d complained about his childhood and felt a wave of guilt.

Rey blushed and Ben noticed that it wasn’t a shy blush, but one of deep shame and he realized that she purposely withheld that part of herself from everyone because she was ashamed of her upbringing. “I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time, I guess I just needed the alcohol to be brave enough,” she joked weakly.

Ben didn’t laugh. In fact, he was trying his hardest not to frown in fear that she’d close up. “It isn’t anything to be ashamed of, Rey.”

“It is,” she insisted, finally tearing her eyes away from his, but not before he noticed how watery they’d become. “I’m ashamed that it happened and I’m ashamed of how desperate it’s made me for someone to give me any scrap of love.”

Ben fidgeted. The desire to reach across the table and pull Rey into his arms was strong. He wanted to tell her that he would smother her with his love. But that would be a mistake because he wasn’t sure he could be everything she was asking for right now. So instead he settled for telling her, “Wanting love isn’t something to feel bad about.”

A tear streaked down her cheek and whispered, “It is.” She wiped the tear away with force only for another to fall, “I’ve been clinging to scraps like I’m starved. It made me so afraid that if I ended things with Poe, I’d lose everything.” She wiped away the tears again and paused, drawing patterns in the condensation on the glass with her fingertip to avoid looking at him. “I’d been so used to having nothing and then I met Finn and Rose and Poe and I felt loved. If I broke up with Poe, where would that leave me? Rose would hate me for it and then Finn would have to side with her.”

Ben clenched his jaw, “Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

“I tried. The morning you kicked me out. I wanted to talk about it, but you wouldn’t listen to me,” Rey said quietly, her eyes flicking up to his before moving back to her water glass.

Ben could kick himself, because there it was, the acting out that perpetuated his feelings of unworthiness. If he’d listened to Rey that morning instead of getting angry and kicking her out, he could have avoided so much pain. “I’m sorry.”

“I was going to leave him,” Rey said, moving closer to him.

Ben’s heart felt like it was breaking, or maybe it was bursting with joy. Maybe both. “But you didn’t.”

“I didn’t,” she agreed and Ben waited for an explanation. The longer he waited, the more upset he grew because saying that she was going to were just words, and she hadn’t followed through. “But I’m going to,” she whispered.

Ben didn’t say anything because he couldn’t trust himself, but he was so happy. He was positive he was smiling and he felt like a jerk for being so happy when she had a tear-stained face.

She continued, “I can’t settle for someone I don’t love. And I know now, I know that he’s settling for me too. It’s not love and I don’t think it ever was. And if I lose Finn and Rose because of it, then they probably don’t love me either.” Her fingers twitched and she moved them across the table to grab his. “I’ve been so stupid, Ben. And I’m sorry for hurting you, okay? I’ll go, but I wanted you to know that I really do love you.”

He gave her fingers a squeeze. He’d told himself that she didn’t love him, but that was only because he’d felt unworthy of love. If he’d been smart, he’d have seen it in the things she did for him -- helping find the falcon, sticking up for him when no one else would, taking care of him at Han’s funeral, just being his friend even when he’d pushed the boundaries of friendship for his selfish desires… all of that was love. And he loved her too, more than he thought was possible and that’s why he had to do what was right not only for himself, but for her too. “I love you too. And I’m proud of you for ending things. For realizing that you deserve more. You deserve everything.”

“Do you think we can start over?” She looked at him, so hopefully that he wanted to tell her yes. He wanted to drag her upstairs to his room and make love to her until they were both boneless.

But…

“Maybe someday,” he told her, squeezing her hand again.

Rey pulled her hand away, and Ben scrambled to pull it back but it was too late. She buried her face in her hands and retched out a sob and it broke Ben’s heart. He wanted to take it back and make everything all better, but he knew that was the issue. It wouldn’t make things all better.

Three weeks of therapy wouldn’t magically break his cycle of self-flagellation and Rey realizing that she was worth more than settling wouldn’t cure her past traumas. He loved her, so much that his heart broke watching her cry, but his love couldn’t fix her. And hers couldn’t fix his.

He wanted to be with her so much -- everything in his being was telling him to reach out and take her into his arms. But it wasn’t _healthy_. Until he figured out how to deal with his feelings of self-worth, her own feelings were going to play off of his. They would only hurt each other.

“Rey, listen to me,” Ben said, pulling her hands away from her face. “I love you. More than anything. If you want to be with me in six months or a year or two years, I will still love you. I will still want to be with you.”

“You don’t want to be with me,” Rey choked out, trying to wrench her wrists out of his grip.

“I do, but this is why I can’t,” he looked at her desperately. “ You don’t believe me when I tell you that I want you because maybe you think you don’t deserve it or maybe you think that no one could possibly want you,” Ben tried explaining. “And I can’t keep telling you over and over when you refuse to believe it. Because I deserve better than that. And I can’t keep beating myself up or blowing up at you every time you get upset because you deserve better than that.”

“You’re right,” Rey said, pulling her hands away. “You deserve better than me.”

Ben sighed, leaning forward and pressing his lips to hers. She melted against him and he threw caution to the wind, pulling her onto his lap and wrapping his arms around her waist. She opened up to him, their tongues sliding languidly against one another as her arms crept from his shoulders to his neck, playing with the soft hairs at the nape of his neck.

He groaned into her mouth, pulling her up his lap so she could feel just how much he wanted her -- how a single kiss could ignite him. When the kiss broked, he leaned his forehead against hers and took a moment to catch his breath and brush his lips gently against hers. “I love you, Rey. No one else has ever made me feel like you do. I think you deserve everything in the world and I want to be the one to give it to you.”

Rey’s eyes drifted shut and her lips quivered, “Ben, I love you so much.”

“I know you do,” Ben whispered and brushed his lips against hers again, unable to get enough of her taste, of the feeling of her lips against his.

They sat like that for many minutes, or maybe it was hours, Ben wasn’t sure. It felt right to hold her like this and he hoped there would be a day when it wouldn’t have to come to an end. His forehead still against hers, their lips so close they could be kissing, Ben told her, “I’m going to therapy.”

Rey’s eyes opened, blinking, her lashes fluttering against his cheek, before she hugged herself closer and buried her face against his neck. “That’s wonderful, Ben.”

“I want to be better. For myself. And for you, Rey,” Ben told her, his arms snaking tightly around her. “I want you to be happy. I want you to feel like you deserve my love so that when we’re both ready, I can shower you with it.”

“I don’t know how,” Rey mumbled against his neck, and Ben shivered from the shockwave of tingles that her lips on his skin caused.

“You can start by talking to Poe,” Ben suggested.

Rey nodded, kissing his neck again before sitting back on his lap to look into his eyes. “Okay.”

“Good girl,” Ben smiled, his heart feeling lighter than it had in months. He gave her ass an affectionate squeeze as she pulled herself off of his lap.

He watched her carry her glass to the sink and followed her like a puppy dog upstairs. If he was honest with himself, he didn’t want her to leave. He wasn’t even sure when he would see her again, but he knew that he needed to give her time and space to be her own person.

Once they made it to his room, they spent just too long looking at each other with hunger before Rey lifted Ben’s old shirt above her head and dropped it to the floor. No invitation was necessary as he walked across the room and pulled Rey to him, crushing his lips against hers.

She moaned into his mouth, wrapping her arms around his neck and standing on the tips of her toe to be that much closer. Maybe it was a mistake to do this, Ben thought, but he knew that wasn’t the right word. Nothing that felt this good could ever be considered a mistake. Unwise. It was unwise to be here kissing her while her naked body pressed against him, and even more unwise to think about making love to her.

He wasn’t strong enough to say no, and if he was honest with himself, he didn’t want to. He walked her backwards until her knees hit the edge of his bed, forcing her to sit down. Ben immediately sank down onto his knees and parted her legs, taking time to kiss both of her knees before kissing up the insides of her thighs.

He sighed against her silky skin as Rey’s fingers came to his hair, brushing through it as she whispered his name. When he looked up, their eyes met and Rey spread her thighs wider as he pulled her to the edge of the bed before burying his face against her cunt as a last meal.

Rey’s eyes fell shut and she threw her head back as Ben rolled her clit between his lips. This time his name tumbled from her lips in a moan and his fingers dug into the flesh of her ass as he desperately tried to take away all of the space between her body and his.

She was on the same page as her knees fell over his shoulders, her heels digging into his back as she tried to bring him closer. Soon, they would part ways and Ben wasn’t sure when or if he’d ever see Rey again. This could be their last chance to share their love.

“ _ Ben _ .” This time her voice was a whine and with a tug on his hair she grabbed his shoulders, urging him to stand. Whatever she was going to say vanished from her thoughts as she came face to face with the tented erection in his pants. She licked her lips and glanced up before looking back down and that said it all.

Her hands went to his pants, unbuttoning and unzipping at the speed of light, and he helped her push them down before kicking them off completely. He didn’t miss the way she licked her lips again as his cock bobbed in front of her and he fought the urge to grab her head and bring that mouth to where he desperately wanted it.

Their thoughts were once again in harmony as he watched her little fingers wrap around the base of his dick, a groan bubbling up his throat that turned to a moan as she pressed her lips against the tip in a kiss. His hands weaved through her hair and he fought to keep his eyes open as he watched her lips part to suck the ruddy head into her warm, wet mouth.

Her head slid down, taking him slowly in halfway before she started to gag and she pulled back, using her tongue to lathe him. “Too big,” she mumbled shyly as she used her hands to pump him before sliding the tip into her mouth and sucking gently.

If he had more time, he’d teach her, show her exactly how to take him. But they didn’t have forever -- not right now at least. What she was doing felt amazing, or maybe it was because it was Rey, either way, he wouldn’t last long if she kept tasting him and touching him and saying unwittingly sexy things.

“Rey,” he groaned and pulled off the shirt he was wearing so that they were both naked.

Her hands released his erection, and her mouth slid off of him with a wet pop as her hands slid up his stomach. She shivered as the muscles flexed under her fingertips and Ben grabbed her hands, pulling her up.

He sealed his lips over hers, coaxing her lips open and groaning into her mouth at his musky taste on her tongue. She whimpered against his mouth, reaching down to curl her fingers around him and give him a few slow jerks. When the kiss broke, she mumbled against his lips, “I want this.”

Ben wanted her to have it, to know that she would be the only woman to ever know the pleasure he could give her. “It’s yours,” he told her, his hips jerking into her hand at her slow ministrations.

She let go long enough to climb onto the bed and Ben scrambled behind her, eager to be close to her. As soon as he was on the bed, she was maneuvering into his lap, pressing her heat against Ben’s erection and god, she was so wet that he was tempted to push her off and bury his face between her legs again. Part of him was afraid he’d already forgotten the way she tasted.

He didn’t have a chance, he’d spent too long thinking about her dripping cunt, because she wrapped her hand around him again. On her knees, she gave him a few more pumps and brought the head of him against her folds.

Ben’s hands shook as he grabbed onto her hips to steady her as she slotted him against her opening and sunk down slowly. Her breath came out in sharp little pants every few centimeters until her butt landed flush against his thighs and then she sat there, pressing little kisses along his collarbones.

Ben, for his part, was doing his best to keep from pushing her back against the bed and pounding away into her. He was tempted to, a primal side of him preening at the thought after how she’d eviscerated him. 

But this was Rey, _his_ _Rey_ , who’d promised to do her best for him and for herself. He’d give her anything she wanted because she’d done the same for him. He wrapped his arms around her waist and gently flexed his hips up, causing Rey to moan.

The pleasure of that one little action set her hips in motion and she began swiveling her hips and grinding against his lap. He swore he could feel her getting wetter and when her wanton writhing stretched her enough, she planted her feet against the bed and started bouncing.

_ This _ . This feeling made all of the pain of the last few weeks worth it and the memory of it would keep him going for however long it took before he could hold her again. The feel of her in his arms, bouncing on top of him, taking all of him so well in her tight, wet little cunt was perfect. Even if it took months or a year or ten years, he would wait. Nothing would ever feel as good as Rey.

He kissed his way up her neck, leaving little bruises behind because even if she wasn’t going to be by his side, she was still his. He didn’t need to hide the love bites -- could kiss her as much as he wanted now, because Rey loved him and not Poe.

“B-Ben,” Rey panted, her thighs quivering as she struggled to keep bouncing over his cock. “Feels so good.”

Ben nodded against her throat, taking hold of her hips and guiding her up and pushing her back down roughly over himself. The room filled with the sounds of their mixed moans, the slap of skin on skin and the squelching sound Rey’s body made everytime it slid down over his cock.

He wanted it to last forever, but Rey had him wound too tightly. With that thought in mind, he reached down, rubbing the calloused pad of his thumb in tight circles over her clit. She must have been just as close because she came apart completely in his lap, legs convulsing almost violently as her walls fluttered around him.

  
He pulled her body against him, keeping her hips still as he buried his face against her neck and spilled himself deep inside her. Every flexing thrust of his hips made her shiver as he finished his release and then she collapsed on top of him.

He fell back onto the mattress with her, letting her use his chest as a pillow as he stroked her hair. They were quiet, a solemn kind of quiet as it settled on them both that it might be a long time before they did this again. In that moment, Ben would have called off everything he said earlier if Rey asked him to.

Later, he’d just be grateful that she didn’t.

He had no regrets about these last moments together when they were so perfect. But it was a bittersweet happiness that he felt to hold her now when she’d be gone so soon. 

“I love you,” she murmured softly as she mouthed at his chest.

He smiled at her words and rubbed his hands up and down her back. “I love you too, Rey. So much.”

They didn’t say anything else as they lay together, because they didn’t need to. They’d said what was important and they knew what road lay ahead so for now just touching one another was enough.

Ben had no idea how long they laid in bed and as much as he wished they could stay like this, when the orange glow of the setting sun slid across his room, he knew that it was time to say goodbye.

“Do you want me to walk you home?” he asked, reluctant to let her go. Or let her leave his bed.

“That’s okay,” she shook her head and sat up. “It’ll give me time to think about what I want to say to Poe.”

Ben would prefer not even hearing the other man’s name, but he wasn’t going to be a child about it. In the end, it was Ben Solo who got the girl, even though they hadn’t reached that conclusion to their story quite yet. So instead of being jealous at the mention of Poe Dameron, he nodded and got out of bed and brought her the dress he’d hung for her.

She climbed out of bed, taking it from him and as she slipped it on, the atmosphere became a dozen times more heavy. He didn’t want her to go anymore than she wanted to leave. In order to kill the urge to ask her to stay, he busied himself with slipping on a pair of sweatpants.

Once they were both dressed, he followed her back downstairs to the foyer and watched her longingly as she put on her shoes, dreading the goodbye. After she had her shoes strapped on, she looked at him expectantly, and he crossed the distance, pulling her into another kiss.

There was something wild in the kiss, passionate and desperate, as if they both realized that this was a goodbye. He wasn’t sure who finally pulled away first, it didn’t matter because they were drawn right back to each other like magnets.

Ben couldn’t keep his hands off of her, wanted to peel her dress off of her body and take her right there on the floor, one more time. At this rate, Rey would never leave. Not that Ben minded. Finally, he pulled away, both of their chests heaving. Rey took another step towards him, tilting her face up for another kiss.

The one Ben gave her was chaste and he touched his finger to the end of her nose in an affectionate  _ boop _ . “You’re stalling.”

They both knew that wasn’t it. The words were unspoken, but the feelings were clear -- they were both afraid of not knowing when they’d see each other again. “I love you,” she told him, turning away before she threw herself at him.

“I love you too,” he told her, watching as she opened his front door.

“See you?” Rey asked, a hint of doubt in her voice.

“Absolutely,” Ben agreed, trying to smile even when he felt like screaming. He didn’t scream though, instead he watched as she walked out the door and closed it behind her. Taking a step forward, he watched out the frosted glass window pane as she paused on the sidewalk. He couldn’t see her, but he could feel her longing, and he knew that all he could do was be patient and have faith that she would walk back into his life someday.

*****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is only one more chapter left (plus two epilogues)!As we're winding up this story, I'm already starting to think about my next project. I would appreciate it if you'd all take the time to check out my [TWITTER POLL](https://twitter.com/jeeaysee0925/status/1272699886245416962) and vote for what you'd like to read from me next. If you don't see anything you like, feel free to give me ideas in the comments or link me to a prompt! Thank you so much! (Also please follow me!!)


	20. April 2021 - Part Two

Chapter 20

Rey swore that the three block walk back from Ben’s house to her own apartment felt like twelve. She’d had to stop herself from turning around several times and running back to Ben because the only thing she could think about was how good it felt to be in his arms. The last thing she wanted was to walk away after such an incredible morning and she was terrified that she might never see him again.

That thought outweighed whatever wariness that she felt. She was surprised how little nervousness she had over the impending conversation with Poe. No matter what happened, she knew it was the right thing to do -- for Poe, for Ben and most of all, for herself. She’d fooled herself into thinking that marrying Poe was the right thing to do for so long that it was actually freeing to no longer feel that way.

As she climbed the stairs to her apartment, almost with a hop to her step knowing that she was one step closer to what -  _ who -  _ she really wanted, she was surprised to see Finn sitting cross legged on the floor outside of her door. 

“Finn,” she blinked, freezing with her hand on her bag.

“Rey, please let me explain,” he begged and everything she’d learned from Paige and Rose the night before came back to her in a rush. 

She wasn’t sure she wanted to talk to him just yet and felt annoyed at him for ambushing her before she had a chance to collect her thoughts. She’d been walking on the air moments before and now she was crashing back down to earth. “Why are you here?”

“I’ve been waiting for you to come home. We have to talk,” Finn pleaded, standing up as he watched Rey dig her keys out of her tiny clutch and jam them into the door.

“Maybe I don’t want to talk,” she told him, her fingers shaking as she managed to twist the key and push the door open.

“Please, Rey. You’re my best friend.” He followed her into the apartment without an invitation and grabbed her arm.

“Are we?” She spun around, prepared to yell at him, but the desperate look on his face stopped her from lashing out. Instead she pried his fingers off of her arm and took a step back. “You have no idea how much you hurt me.”

“I do,” Finn argued. “I couldn’t sleep last night. I tried to go to Kylo’s house but he wouldn’t let me see you so I came here. I was going to wait as long as it took. I’m sorry, Rey.”

“Sorry isn’t good enough, Finn. I told you  _ everything _ about my life and you couldn’t be bothered to tell me about your relationship with Poe?” Rey asked, her face crumpling in pain. “Do you have any idea how that feels?”

“I didn’t know how you would react. I didn’t want you to think less of me for getting involved in a three way relationship. And I didn’t think you’d understand. You definitely wouldn’t have let us set you up with Poe.”

“I don’t care who you’re with, Finn. I just want you to be happy. I wouldn’t have judged you. But you took away any choice I had about deciding to be with Poe by keeping it all secret from me,” Rey argued. “You’re right, I wouldn’t have been with him. And I would have saved myself a lot of pain.”

“I’m sorry, Rey. You were happy and that made me happy. And Poe was happy too. You have no idea how happy Rose and I were to see you and Poe so in love,” Finn told her earnestly, or so he thought anyway.

Rey laughed bitterly, trying to blink the tears out of her eyes. “I wasn’t in love with Poe. I was in love with the idea of having someone, of belonging. And it was all a lie, Finn. You all lied to me.”

“I don’t understand, Rey…” Finn hesitated as he took a step closer to Rey, his tone gentle and patient.

“I don’t love Poe. I haven’t for a long time. Maybe I never did,” Rey murmured, turning her attention towards taking off her shoes.

Finn was silent for a few moments as he watched his friend until he couldn’t hold it in any longer and he asked, “Are you in love with someone else?”

Rey froze, her hands still on the strappy buckle of her shoe where she squatted on the floor. “Yes,” she admitted, barely above a whisper. In the silence that followed, Rey couldn’t bring herself to see the disappointment on Finn’s face. As much as he hurt her, she still loved Finn and didn’t want to lose him. For so long, Finn had been the only person who gave a damn about her. Admitting that she was in love with Ben would push Finn away -- a fact that she’d been wrestling with for  _ months _ . 

She didn’t even realize she was crying until Finn was on his knees in front of her, pulling her into a tight hug. “Shhh, it’s okay, Rey.”

Her arms wound around him in relief and she buried her face against his shoulder as she finally let herself well and truly cry; The ugly kind of crying with sobbing and snot and shaking shoulders. She felt like a child even though she couldn’t recall what it felt like to be held and consoled as a child.

After she ran out of tears, Finn stroked her hair gently and said, “You don’t have to feel bad about it. They say the heart wants what it wants for a reason, right?”

Rey nodded and lifted her head, “You don’t hate me?”

Finn smiled and wiped away her tears, “Not if you don’t hate me.”

Rey returned the smile with quivering lips and knew that as hurt as she was, she could never find it in herself to hate Finn. There was pain and it would take time to build the trust they once had, but Finn was her first friend and he was worth the effort.

“Good. You go take a shower and I’ll make us some tea, ok?”

Rey nodded and stood up, shuffling to her bathroom. When she finished her shower, she was pleased to find that Finn had set her favorite pair of pajamas on the counter for her. When she joined him on the couch, her head hurt but her heart felt lighter.

That night they talked about  _ everything -- _ there was yelling and tears and hugs and even laughter as they hashed everything out. Rey realized how long it had been since she’d just sat around with Finn like this. He told her everything about meeting Rose and Poe, how he’d fallen in love with Rose, how excited he was to become a father. 

And Rey told him everything too -- how she felt that Poe tried to change her, that she didn’t want to stop working or have a bunch of kids right away. She told him how she met Ben and fell in love, about how gentle and understanding he was. How she felt things that she’d never imagined she could feel. She told him how she’d hurt Ben, how they were taking time to sort themselves out. And she also told him that she planned to break it off with Poe.

Surprisingly, Finn had been… well, amazing. Rey had been so worried about him being on Poe’s side that it hadn’t even occurred to her that he would actually  _ understand _ . But now it made sense, that of course he would --he’d accidentally fallen in love with Rose. He listened to everything, held her and cried with her and in the end, promised to stay by her side, no matter what.

When they finally fell asleep, curled against one another on the couch, Rey knew that no matter what happened, Finn would be a constant in her life.

*****

As Rey awoke the next morning, she frowned at the realization that Finn was gone and her heart sank for a moment before she saw the pancakes he left on the table for her. She stood up, wrapping the throw blanket tightly around her as she shuffled to the table and sat down. There was a note next to the plate, in Finn’s messy scrawl, promising that everything would be fine and that he’d call her later.

As Rey took a bite, her stomach twisted into knots as she realized that she needed to talk to Poe. Today. It was cruel to let this go on any longer and with a month before the wedding, they needed to work on getting everything cancelled and telling all of their guests.

She groaned around a rather large bite of pancake, the syrup gathering in the corners of her mouth, as it dawned on her how  _ pissed _ Poe would be about that aspect. As upset as he would be about losing her, it was almost comical that he would be infinitely more pissed about how ending the whole affair would make  _ him _ look.

She didn’t love Poe, but she  _ knew _ him so well that she could practically feel his anger and humiliation at everyone whispering about how he’d ended his engagement a month before the nuptials. It was almost enough to make her rethink ending things. But, she’d been the one to fall in love with someone else. She’d let them all think that she was the harlot who broke Poe’s heart. She’d let him come out on top.

Not because he was innocent in all of this. No, because he wasn’t. He’d lied to her. If she cared what Poe’s colleagues and friends thought of her, she would tell them all about Finn and Rose and how they’d lied to her about everything. She’d tell them how he’d expected her to quit working and start having babies. She’d tell them every little thing that made her realize she didn’t love him.

But the truth was that Rey didn’t care about them. High society could kiss her ass because she was just Rey Johnson-- an uncouth orphan girl. She no longer cared about their rules or trying to fit in because she never would. She didn’t need to change and it felt good to finally realize that anyone who loved her would never expect her to. Like Ben.

The dread that had sunk to the bottom of her stomach at the thought of Poe suddenly turned into a flock of butterflies at the thought of Ben. She smiled around her second bite of pancake as she thought about how wonderful he made her feel. However many days or weeks or months passed, she could carry on knowing that he loved her and that now he  _ knew _ she loved him too.

She was broken out of her thoughts by a knock on her door, and as she rose from the table a part of her wished it would be Ben despite knowing that it absolutely would not be. When she opened the door, she was unsurprised to see Poe.

For once, at least, they were on the same page. His look said it all -- they needed to talk. She held the door open without a word and closed it behind him as he began pacing her apartment. Swallowing down her mouthful of pancake, she was shocked to find that she couldn’t get a read on him at all. He was tense, that was for sure.

Once her food was in her stomach, she decided to just come out with it. “We need to call off the wedding.”

Poe stopped his pacing and turned on his heel to face her, “Rey, don’t be rash.”

“I’m not,” she shook her head and took a step towards him. “I’m being honest. We should have ended this months ago.”

“Rey, please…”

She shook her head, “Poe. The only reason we haven’t is because it would be too embarrassing for you to end it.”

There was a flicker of shame on his face at Rey’s words and she could almost laugh. He felt bad for staying engaged to her out of losing face. Even now he was clinging to the relationship because he was worried how it would make him look. He should have been ashamed at lying to her or even hurt that she was ending it. But all he was concerned with was keeping up appearances.

“I deserve better than that,” Rey told him and she saw anger flash across his face and held up a hand before he could speak. “And you do too. We don’t love each other.”

“Rey, I do…” Poe tried to insist.

“You don’t. You settled for me because Rose was getting married and you were sad. You never loved me or at least not all of me,” Rey explained. “And that’s fine. I was the same way. I liked being with you because you wanted me. But that’s not good enough for me anymore.”

Poe worked his jaw as he stared at Rey. “Is this about Kylo?”

“Ben,” Rey corrected. “And no, not entirely anyway. It’s about me.”

“Right. It’s not you, it’s me. I’ve heard that before,” Poe rolled his eyes.

“Please don’t make yourself into the victim,” Rey interrupted before he could say anything else. “You’re not innocent here. Never once did you tell me you dated Rose for 10 fucking years. You didn’t tell me you slept with my best friend. You belittled me in front of Ben’s parents, in front of your colleagues. You tried to change me into someone else, into Rose… I don’t know!”

“Right. So it’s all my fault then?” Poe ground out, starting his pacing again.

“I didn’t say that. I’m not innocent either. I fell in love with someone else. I  _ cheated  _ and even worse, I let you take me back when you should have kicked me to the curb. I hurt you and him and even myself. I let this go on for way longer than it should have. I made my fair share of mistakes here, Poe. We both deserve better.”

He stopped his pacing, his back turned to her and she could see how tense he was in his shoulders. “So that’s it, then? The wedding is off?”

“Yes. I’m sorry…”

He turned to her again and she could see the lawyer in him, the mouthful of arguments waiting to spill out. She thanked God that he said nothing, only offering a stiff nod.

“You can tell everyone it was me. I don’t want to ruin your life, Poe,” Rey said. “I just want us both to be happy and I can’t make you happy.”

Poe was good at hiding his emotions, or maybe she had never been as good at reading them as she thought she had been, because she had no idea if he was angry, sad, hurt or relieved. Maybe he felt all of those things but she wasn’t sure. “Okay. Well, I hope he makes you happy.”

Rey thought to say that she wasn’t with Ben, not now anyway, but it didn’t matter. It wouldn’t make Poe feel better or worse to know the truth -- that she was too damaged to be with anyone right now. She took a step closer to him and put her hand on his arm, “I’m sorry, Poe. You don’t need to worry about anything, ok? I’ll take care of cancelling the wedding and letting the guests know.”

He let her kiss his cheek before he stalked to the door and pulled it open, slamming it shut behind him. Rey thought she would feel relieved when she finally ended it, but she didn’t. Poe was unhappy and there was no closure. Some piece of her had foolishly thought that she would make Poe understand, that they would hug and part ways for a hopeful future. How naive of her. She couldn’t make him forgive her and maybe he never would. 

She didn’t deserve Poe’s forgiveness or acceptance or even his resignation and it was painful to realize that. She’d been foolish to expect such a neat and tidy ending, but she couldn’t change the way he felt. She could only control her own feelings and hope that someday she would feel worthy of the happiness she deserved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm double posting today, so be sure to hit that next chapter button!


	21. Rey's Epilogue

**_May 2021_ **

The weeks following the dissolution of her engagement to Poe had been some of the most stressful of Rey's entire life. She’d had to cancel the venue, the caterer, the photographer. She’d lost all of the money on the deposits, to the detriment of her own wallet and as a result had to borrow money in order to even pay rent.

Then there were the premature wedding gifts that she’d had to figure out where they came from and how to send them back. Not to mention the wedding un-invitations, or postponement cards, as Rose had graciously called them. That had been a long night and she was humbled and grateful to have Rose helping her with all of it. It was more than she had hoped for and certainly more than she deserved.

When the last of the unplanning came down to the honeymoon, both Finn and Rose had insisted that Rey still go -- the money was already spent and the time off had been approved. And honestly, after the stress of the previous few weeks, a week on the beaches of Oahu sounded amazing.

So that was how Rey found herself in sunny Hawaii. The first day had been awkward, especially when the hotel staff referred to her as Mrs. Dameron. But when she arrived at the resort’s luau and a mai tai was placed into her hand, Rey felt herself finally relax. She was seated at the same table as another newly wed couple and a couple of women on a girl’s trip together and had a blast.

The next day she joined the girls on a hiking trip up Diamond Head followed by a trip to the North Shore for lunch. When they parted ways at the end of the day, it was with the promise that both girls would come visit her in New York for their next trip. Rey honestly couldn’t remember the last time she’d had so much fun. Her day with Sarah and Katie made Rey realize something important -- she needed more friends.

Being stuck in a social circle where losing one person meant losing everyone had been terrifying. Meeting and connecting with new friends, even if the New York trip never actually happened, made Rey confront just how unhealthy it was to rely on one person or one group.

The whole trip was full of discoveries about herself, and as lonely as she felt in some moments, she was glad to just be alone for once. As painful as it was to be apart from Ben now that her impending marriage was no longer standing in the way, being alone was the best possible thing for her.

Rey’s childhood had been full of difficulties and even now she wondered what she’d done to deserve being abandoned by her parents. She felt unworthy of their love, of anyone’s love - even Ben’s. She’d been willing to accept Poe’s love because it was easy and comfortable. Being with him was like playing house. She had all the lovely parts of life -- Poe rarely picked fights, money wasn’t an issue and everything was always magically taken care of. There was peace with Poe, but there was also no emotion, no passion, no chaos.

It wasn’t  _ real _ .

Rey deserved more than that because regardless of what her parents did to her, or how her childhood was, or any of her imperfections, Rey was worthy and she deserved to be happy.

**_June 2021_ **

The first thing Rey did when she got home from her trip was make more of an effort to be social. She went out with her co-workers after work for drinks, which led to her gaining more projects and respect with her boss. 

She joined a book club, lost interest, took tae kwon do classes, learned how to make french macarons and convinced herself to try skydiving. She met lots of new people, some became friends and others passed through her life like the array of hobbies she was trying, but the point was that she made an effort.

If some people liked her, great, and if others didn’t, that was fine too. She would never be liked by everyone and she was quickly learning not to take that personally.

Her schedule was always busy, it seemed. Sometimes she had to turn down dinners or parties or outings because she had other plans and for the first time in her life, Rey was in high demand. It felt good. Because no matter what, even if something catastrophic happened, she would always have a support system to fall back on. Never again would she have to fear her entire world falling apart. Because people liked her and wanted her around. She was worthy of their love and for the first time in her entire life, Rey felt like she was wanted.

**_July 2021_ **

Rey found herself on the rooftop of Jyn Erso’s Battery Park apartment building on July 4th, anxiously awaiting the start of the fireworks over the Brooklyn Bridge. She’d met Jyn at Tae Kwon Do and the two had hit it off immediately. In the month since their friendship started, Jyn had tried to set her up no less than four times. Tonight was no exception.

Bodhi was a nice enough guy, but as soon as he’d left to find them drinks, Rey had slinked off to a dark corner of the roof. She wasn’t ready to date anyone and even if she was, there was only one person she would settle for and he wasn’t there.

As the first blast lit up the sky, Rey couldn’t help but think about Ben. Tonight, this moment, was the anniversary of their first kiss. Of the first kiss that had ever made Rey’s heart pound and her body shake and her toes curl. The first kiss ever given to her by a man that wanted her body, heart and soul.

  
A second blast went off and Rey touched her fingers to her lips as she felt tears sting her eyes. God, she missed Ben.

  
What was he doing right now? Was he watching these fireworks from his home only blocks away? Or maybe he was in the Hamptons again… and she couldn’t help but remember what he looked like under the moonlight on the beach that first night they’d stayed up late talking and drinking a little too much. She’d thought he was beautiful even then. Maybe that’s when she’d fallen in love with him, before even putting a word to the feeling.

She hoped that he was thinking of her too, remembering what it felt like to hold her and kiss her that night that was now so many nights ago. She hoped he remembered every kiss they’d shared after that, along with every touch.She hoped that he remembered her declarations of love and the feel of her body and the sounds of her sighs.

“Rey? What the hell… did you ditch Bodhi?” she heard Jyn’s accusatory yet amused tone and turned to look at her. All pretenses of chastising Rey were dropped immediately. “Are you crying?”

Rey laughed through her tears, “Yeah but I’m okay…” 

Most of all, Rey hoped that, like her, Ben was hoping that they’d have a chance to kiss again.

**_August 2021_ **

The past few months passed in such a blur for Rey that it was hard to believe that the year was more than half over. So far, 2021 had been a year full of surprises and she felt so far off from the person she was a year ago.

First of all, she was single. Secondly, her social life was ridiculously full. 

She felt exhausted all the time, but at least that kept her from missing Ben too much. She thought about him, almost daily, but didn’t have the convenience of acknowledging the ache in her chest at the mere thought of him.

The third thing that kept Rey busy as of late, was the launch of her architecture and design firm with Finn. The idea had been brought up by Finn, long after Rey had given up on that dream. Hell, she thought Finn had too but it seemed that fatherhood had brought out a new ambitious side to Finn. 

She’d handled most of the planning -- Finn was a dad now, afterall -- and Rose’s father had become an investor to handle the financial side of things. (For which Rey fully intended to pay him back). 

  
Now, she was sitting in the plush chair of her new office, which conveniently was located blocks away from her own home. Behind her Rose and Finn were hovering over the back of the chair counting down excitedly and when they hit zero, Rey’s fingers clicked the publish button for their website.

All three of them turned expectedly to the phone and then burst out laughing at the ridiculous notion that it would ring right away.    
  


“Congratulations,” Rose gushed, leaning over to press a kiss against Finn’s cheek as she bounced their 3 month old on her hip.

“Thank you!” Finn said, cooing as he lifted baby Belle out of Rose’s arms to plant a kiss on her cheek. “Let’s get this party started!”

*****

The launch party was in full swing by the time they began to run low on food, and Rey took it upon herself to replenish. Poe was at the party and though they’d been doing a good job at avoiding one another, Rey still felt a little claustrophobic being in the same room.

They’d done a good job at keeping drinks stocked (afterall, people went to parties for free alcohol) but they had stupidly underestimated how much food would be consumed. The nearest grocery store was also the one she’d been avoiding -- the Whole Foods where she knew Ben shopped.

She didn’t have much choice and didn’t want to walk to the market that was further knowing that she’d have to carry  _ bags _ of food back by herself. Besides, what were the chances she would see Ben?

As she grabbed a cart and began piling it with hors d'oeuvres, she realized that the chances were good. Heartbreakingly good. When she rounded the corner, the last thing she’d expected to see was Ben leaning over a freezer case as a beautiful woman put her hand on his back and did the same.

Whatever they were looking at in the freezer had him distracted enough that neither of them noticed when she abandoned the cart, turned heel and practically ran from the store.

She would be lying if she said she was surprised, because she wasn’t. Ben was wonderful and any girl would realize that. She’d also be lying if she said that she hadn’t feared this every day since they’d agreed to part ways.

The pain was so intense it was actually physical. As soon as she was out of the store, she threw herself against a wall before her knees could give out under her. 

He said he’d wait for her, but it hadn’t even been a full four months and he’d already moved on. She wanted to be angry at him and there was a part of her tempted to run back inside to scream at him, or maybe even show him a few moves she’d picked up in tae kwon do, but she decided against it.

Ben deserved to be happy. If he’d met someone who made him happier than she did, then what more could she ask for? Whoever that woman was, Rey hoped that she loved Ben. That she supported him and took care of him and made him feel like the amazing man he was.

Even though Rey hoped all of those things, she also felt sick to her stomach and sad for everything she’d just lost. She wasn’t in the mood to celebrate anymore, so instead of going back to the party, she walked home, crawled into bed and cried.

**_September 2021_ **

Rey was so thankful to throw herself into work, which was turning out to be very busy. Word of mouth spread through high society, thanks to Rose’s dad and between Finn being in high demand at every apartment in the upper east side and Rey being commissioned to design half a dozen vacation homes from the Adirondacks to the Hamptons, she didn’t have time to beat herself up over losing Ben.

That didn’t mean she didn’t cry herself to sleep practically every night, because she did. But at least she had something to distract herself with during the day time.

It came as quite a surprise to receive a call from Leia Organa-Solo one afternoon in late September and even more of a surprise when the older woman invited her out to lunch. Rey couldn’t even begin to imagine what Leia wanted to see her for.

Would Leia tell her more about the woman she’d seen with Ben? Rey was simultaneously curious and nauseous at the thought of knowing Ben had truly moved on. But, like the saying went… curiosity killed the cat.

  
Rey made sure she was wearing her nicest dress as she entered Le Bernardin and gave the hostess her name. She was glad she had, as she walked through the fanciest restaurant she’d ever been to, and smiled as Leia stood and pulled her into a hug. “Rey! It’s so good to see you. How are you?”

“I’m good,” Rey replied, giving Leia a squeeze. It really was good to see the older woman she had viewed as a surrogate mother. “How are you? You look so tan!”

“Oh,” Leia smiled happily and put her napkin on her lap. “Ben took me to Dubai for my birthday.”

“That sounds fun,” Rey feigned interest, though her heart hurt at the mention of Ben. Honestly, she was happy that he seemed to have a good relationship with his mother now. She wanted that for him. “What did you guys do?”

“Beaches, sightseeing, all the touristy stuff,” Leia babbled excitedly.

“Was it just you two?” Rey pried, trying not to sound too nosey. She didn’t want Leia to know that she knew about Ben’s new girlfriend.

“Just a mother-son trip,” Leia told her with a knowing smile.

“I’m glad you two are so close,” Rey said earnestly, changing the subject before it became painful. “You both deserve it.”

“Thank you,” Leia said. “For caring about Ben too. I never thanked you for standing up for him that night.”

Rey shook her head. She didn’t want to talk to Leia about that night because if she hadn’t said those things, Han might still be alive. 

“Don’t even think whatever it is you’re thinking,” Leia scolded. “We needed to hear what you said. And besides that, it had been so long since anyone had fought on Ben’s side. I know it meant a lot to him too.”

Rey bit the inside of her cheek to keep from crying and took a deep breath through her nose before forcing herself to smile. “Ben is… well, you know what I think of him. He’s amazing. He deserves someone fighting for him. I’m glad he has you now.”

“And you,” Leia said with a wink.

Rey was glad Leia had done the work of ordering her a glass of wine before she arrived because it was something to distract herself with before she could blurt out that he had someone else fighting for him.

Thankfully, Leia seemed to sense her unease and changed the subject. “How is work?”

“Oh it’s great. Did you hear that Finn and I launched our own company?” Rey was glad for the change of subject as she was able to gush about her job, about baby Belle, about her tae kwon do classes and how she’d just taken up flower arrangement.

The lunch was over before she knew it and Rey was both disappointed and relieved that she’d learned absolutely nothing about Ben Solo’s mystery woman. “Can we do this again?” Rey found herself asking as they hugged again outside of the restaurant. 

“I would love that,” Leia smiled and touched Rey’s cheek the way she imagined a mother might. “Call me when you have time in that busy schedule of yours.”

“I will,” Rey said, giving Leia one last hug before waving.

**_October 2021_ **

Rey was doing her best to settle into her new life, which included the fact that Ben had moved on. She tried not to think about it or let it bother her. He’d given her so many chances and hurt him so many times that she couldn’t blame him for moving on.

As much as she wanted to wallow in self-pity over it, she refused. She wouldn’t let it make her feel unworthy of love, because that wasn’t what this was about. Just because Ben found someone else that made him happy, it didn’t mean that she didn’t deserve the same. That would go against everything Ben had asked her to overcome.

He may have moved on, but that didn’t mean that she wasn’t worthy of his love. Sometimes despite worth or effort or timing, things just didn’t work out the way you want. And Rey needed to accept that for what it was and stop thinking about it like it was a punishment that she deserved.

She was in the middle of fixing a blueprint when her door opened and her assistant (yes, she had an actual assistant now) poked her head into the room. “Ms. Johnson? You have a visitor?”

“Who is it?” Rey asked, her brows furrowed as she tried to erase a line.

“A Mr. Ben Solo.”

Rey’s heart picked up at the sound of his name. She brought her hands to her hair and tried to smooth it down before realizing she had charcoal on her fingers, and now most likely her forehead. Before she could find a mirror, Ben’s tall frame stepped into her office and she found herself returning his smile. “Ben,” she meant it as a greeting, but it came out in an embarrassingly breathy sigh.

“Hi,” he returned, looking unsure of what to do with himself.

“Do you want to sit?” Rey gestured to her chair. “Meg, bring some coffee, please?” she said to her assistant before she could close the door.

Ben sat and waited for Rey to do the same before speaking, “How are you?”

“Good. Good,” Rey said, shuffling some papers nervously. “You?”

“Good,” he laughed. “Your office looks great. I’m really proud of you.”

Rey couldn’t help but feel a tingle of pleasure at his praise, at knowing what she’d made of herself. “Thank you.”

“My mom told me you and Finn started a firm,” Ben explained. “I think that’s great.”

Rey nodded, “I think it’s great that you and your mom are so close.”

There was a brief pause before Ben let out an awkward laugh, “This is weird. We just keep saying everything is good or great.”

Rey wanted to tell him it was because there was a giant awkward elephant in the room. She wanted to tell him that she knew about his Whole Foods girl, that she felt betrayed, that she still wanted him so much, that seeing him in the flesh made her want to reach out and touch him. Maybe crawl onto his lap.

But she didn’t say any of that, because honestly, she didn’t want to hear about her. She didn’t want to make Ben explain something that was none of her business. She didn’t want him to have to feel guilty for being happy. And she selfishly didn’t want him to confirm he’d found someone he loved more. She wouldn’t be able to bear it and she didn’t want to cry in front of him. 

So instead, she gave an awkward laugh. “Yeah that is weird. I guess it’s been too long.”

Ben frowned and looked down at his hands. “I guess so.”

Rey’s heart dropped and she wondered what she’d said to make his face fall like that. Before she had a chance to question it, he was rising out of his chair.

“It was nice to see you, Rey.”

“Nice to see you too, Ben,” Rey said, trying to sound sincere as she wondered what had happened to make him leave. “I’m glad to see you doing so well.”

“Me too. I mean about you,” Ben said awkwardly as he took a step towards her. She thought for a fleeting moment that he would hug her, but instead he offered his hand and she shook it.

As she watched him leave, Rey’s heart sank with the realization that this really was it for them. She closed the door behind him and slid down to the floor. She was human and she couldn’t stop herself from feeling just a little pity at the thought of losing Ben for good.

**_November 2021_ **

By November, Rey realized it was time to start thinking about what she wanted. Part of what Ben had wanted for her was to put herself and her own happiness first. So what did Rey want?

Her social life was flourishing to the point where she had almost no time to herself and enough hobbies to cast away a lifetime of boredom. She had a successful business and a satisfying career. If someone had asked her a year ago what she wanted, maybe she’d be satisfied with what she had now. But she’d come a long way from who she was a year ago and things changed.

She was busy, yes. She had friends, yes. She had the job she’d wanted since she was little and was her own boss to boot, yes. She was happy. She was fulfilled. Yes, Yes. But she was also lonely.

She had many of the things that she wanted, but not what she truly desired. Not what she’d wanted from the most broken place in her heart. She didn’t have a family.

No amount of work or friends or activities could mend that broken place. She wanted a husband who cherished her. She wanted to build a house and a life with him and raise a handful of babies (who always had Ben’s dark hair or protruding ears or dotted complexion in her musings).

She was young, yes, but the stars were all aligning and making it abundantly clear to her that she was ready to head in that direction. And that meant that Rey was ready to start dating again.

*****

Rey was extremely nervous for her first date since breaking things off with Poe. She didn’t want to go into anything with too much hope, but that didn’t stop her from feeling excited.

When she told Rose that she planned to start dating, her friend had excitedly whisked her away from the office for an impromptu shopping trip. Rey had laughed at the look of shock on Finn’s face as Rose handed Belle over to Rey’s assistant and dragged her out of the room. 

In the end, Rose had talked Rey into buying a ridiculously expensive Carolina Herrera dress that she insisted ‘made Rey’s legs look six feet long’. To top that off, on the day of Rey’s first date, Rose had come over to oversee Rey’s makeup and hair.

Rey, glad for the distraction from her nervousness, laughed at all of Rose’s fussing. She’d truly turned into a mother hen. 

“Are you wearing nice underwear?” Rose asked as she put a final bobby pin into Rey’s hair.

“Oh my god, Rose,” Rey groaned.

“What? You’ll be glad you did if you end up sleeping together,” Rose shot back.

“It’s the first date. I’m not even sure anything will happen,” Rey argued.

“Look at you,” Rose argued, giving Rey a pointed look. “You’re a goddess. You’ll need pepper spray to keep him off of you.”

Rey brushed off Rose’s fussing and leaned down to give Belle a kiss as she grabbed her purse. “I don’t have my dress tucked into my underwear, right?”

Rose shook her head and shooed Rey out the door. She checked her phone as she climbed into a cab and gave directions to the restaurant, trying to stamp down the butterflies in her stomach. 

As she entered the restaurant, looking around for her date, she remembered that Ben had told her that he thought she deserved everything. For the first time in her life, Rey felt like maybe that was true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took a poll on Twitter, and you guys couldn't decide if I should post one chapter/day or all chapters at once. I've decided to do 2 today and the final one tomorrow. <3


	22. Ben's Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go, everyone! Last chapter! Thank you so much for reading and I hope you're happy with the ending!

**_June 2021_ **

“So Ben, what would you like to talk about today?”

Ben shrugged and picked at a mysterious stain on his jeans. It wasn’t like him to have any stains on his clothes, but perhaps it was just another sign of how he felt. Some days were harder than others, his therapist Amilyn had told him many times. Today was one of those hard days. 

“What’s on your mind?” Amilyn pressed and Ben shrugged again. “Your father? Rey?”

“Everything,” Ben admitted. Every once in a while, it hit Ben that he would never see his dad again and that he’d never been able to apologize for all of his mistakes and then he would think about how much he missed Rey and then nothing in the world felt good.

Amilyn nodded in understanding. They’d been down this road a time or two since Ben had started therapy and she knew better than to continue with that line of thinking for the time being. “How are things with your mother? I know you must feel lonely, but I hope you’re remembering that she’s there for you.”

“We’re doing good. Better than ever, actually,” Ben almost smiled. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been angry with her. In fact, the relationship he’d forged with Leia over the past few months had been his saving grace. And Amilyn had helped him realize that it went both ways -- Leia needed him just as much. Who would have thought he’d become such a mama’s boy?

“That’s wonderful,” Amilyn told him, smiling a bit as she coaxed him out of his funk.

By the time Ben left Amilyn’s office, he felt relaxed and focused, forcing himself to remember that he was doing this all for himself and for Rey.

**_July 2021_ **

In the past, Ben had dreaded the trips to the beach house. As a teenager, he’d been awkward and moody and the last thing he wanted was to spend time with his parents’ stuffy friends. He wished that he could say this year was any different, but as Ben rode with Leia to the house in the Hamptons and the car ride had been tense and uncomfortable. Despite the attempts at small talk, Han’s absence was weighing heavily on the both of them.

This would be the first family trip without the proverbial head of the family, though both Ben and Leia would scoff at the term. Everyone knew Leia was the head of the family, but that didn’t mean that Han didn’t have his own role in the family dynamic. He could be surly and downright mean after a drink, but he was also the family moodmaker. He knew when to pepper in a joke to ease the tension or to laugh at Ben or Leia when they were being “too damn serious”. Han Solo’s jovial presence was missing and both Ben and his mother knew that the beach house would never quite feel the same.

When they got to the house, Ben offered to bring in their luggage as Leia went inside to freshen up. As Ben entered the kitchen and set the bags down on the floor, he noticed Leia’s slight form, frozen in front of the fridge, looking at the leftover beers left from last year’s trip. Ben knew she was crying, he could see her shoulders shaking.

  
“I’m surprised he left any,” Ben joked, breaking the silence.

Leia wiped her face, embarrassed at being caught crying and glanced over her shoulder at her son with a weak smile. “Yeah, me too.”

Ben came to stand beside her, wrapping an arm around her narrow shoulders as he reached inside to grab two. “How about we crack a couple open for him? That’s what he’d want.”

Leia smiled as a tear slid down her cheek. “Nah, he’d tell us off for stealing his beer.”

“You’re probably right,” he chuckled as he twisted off the caps and handed her one.

*****

At some point, Ben and Leia had finished off the last of Han’s beer and started on the whiskey. Toast after toast,shot after shot, they shared their favorite stories and memories of Han.They hadn’t talked much about him since the accident, both Leia and her son were too proud to break down again. But Ben thought that if his dad was out there somewhere, he’d be honored and embarrassed at the way they spoke about him as if he were some mythical being.

But that’s what his dad was to him. Han had been someone to look up to, despite how wrecked their relationship had been. Ben wished that things had been different, that he could tell his dad how much he loved him and how he’d only ever wanted Han to be proud of him.

They’d both made a lot of mistakes in their relationship and it taught Ben two very important lessons --one, don’t wait until it's too late to say what needs to be said and two, don’t hold back love as a punishment.

If Ben became a dad someday, he would never keep his feelings inside. He would tell his son every day how much he loved him. Even if it smothered him, so long as it didn’t make him feel like a disappointment.

It was as though Leia could read his mind when the silence stretched on and she scooted closer to him at the bonfire they’d started at the beach. “You’ll be a wonderful father someday,” she declared.

Ben looked at her from the corner of his eye, both surprised and not at all surprised by her ability to read his mind. He wasn’t sure how to respond so he said nothing until a firework exploded in the night sky from somewhere down the beach, startling him.

He sighed as another launched into the sky and whispered, “I miss Rey.”

Leia rested her temple on Ben’s shoulder and squeezed his arm, “I know you do.”

**_August 2021_ **

Ben hadn’t really done much of anything social since… well, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d put effort into socializing. So when Phasma’s girlfriend Evelyn approached him with the idea of throwing Phasma a birthday party, Ben jumped into the project with 110% of his usual enthusiasm… which basically meant that he begrudgingly agreed to host it at his house.

Frankly, he owed Phasma a lot for putting up with his moods (or “his bullshit” as she liked to call it). As far as he was concerned, she was more than a loyal assistant, she was a friend. Other than Rey, she was the only person who had ever stood up for him. She brought him food when he didn’t eat properly, scheduled all his appointments, dealt with the difficult clients, and just kicked ass in general.

So as much as he pretended he wanted nothing to do with the party planning, he was more than happy to do it for her. 

  
Which was how he found himself at Whole Foods with Evelyn, who after hauling him around for balloons, cake, streamers, candles, confetti (which Ben had vetoed on account of not wanting to clean it up) was now insisting on a particular brand of strawberry ice cream that Whole Foods clearly did not have. “Why don’t we just get this brand?” he pointed into the case.

Evelyn leaned over, using her hand to brace herself against Ben’s back as she peered in. “Because that brand is garbage.”

“Phasma won’t know which brand it is. We’ll just put a scoop on her plate,” Ben insisted, gritting his teeth in annoyance.

“She’ll know. You know what a perfectionist she is,” Evelyn insisted. “Come on… I think 7-11 usually has it.” She tugged Ben away from the ice cream case, almost running into an abandoned cart in the middle of the aisle. “Woah, when did that get there?” she wondered as she stepped around it.

Ben rolled his eyes and followed Phasma’s flighty girlfriend out of the grocery store.

*****

“So this is Mr. Binx?” Phasma asked, nursing her wine as she prodded the lazy cat on Ben’s sofa.

“Don’t poke him,” Ben scolded, pushing Phasma’s hand away. “He doesn’t like it.” The cat had been Leia’s suggestion to his loneliness and as much as Ben hated the hair on his clothes, he did enjoy the company of his new furry companion. Not that he’d ever admit to his nightly cuddles with the kitten.

“He doesn’t care,” Phasma laughed, watching as the cat showed absolutely no sign of life as he continued sleeping.

“Okay, let me poke you and we’ll see how you like it,” Ben quipped.

“Okay, okay. I get it. You’re a protective cat dad,” Phasma snickered.

The party had long ago died out and now it was just Ben and Phasma, both very drunk, as Evelyn and Mr. Binx snoozed on the sofa. “I’m not a cat dad.”

“Are too,” Phasma teased.

Ben’s head suddenly felt heavy, and he wasn’t sure if it was from the alcohol or sleepiness. “I’m just lonely.” His head flopped back against the cushion.

“Oh god, please don’t cry. I’ll never be able to respect you again if you cry,” Phasma teased.

Ben ignored her teasing and lifted his head to nod towards Evelyn, “What’s the deal? Is it serious?”

Phasma blushed and nodded, “I think so.”

“That sucks. She’s annoying,” Ben remarked, watching the ditsy woman drool on his couch pillow.

Phasma grouched, “Well, I don’t care for Rey too much so I guess we’re even.”

“What’s wrong with Rey?”

“Oh Kylo I love you, no I don’t, oops but I do,” Phasma mimicked.

“That’s a horrible impression,” Ben deadpanned, though he couldn’t help the way the corners of his mouth tilted up in a smirk.

“No, it’s spot on.”

“What about Evelyn? She can’t keep her attention on anything for longer than two seconds and had me chasing down a brand of strawberry ice cream she claims is your favorite despite the fact that you’re allergic to strawberries. I’m surprised she can get dressed on her own in the morning,” Ben joked.

“She’s a bit airheaded,” Phasma agreed diplomatically. She shared a grin with Ben, “But she’s cute as hell.”

Ben just laughed and they both watched as Mr. Binx stood up, stretched and climbed across Evelyn’s sleeping form.

**_September 2021_ **

Ben knew that even though Leia’s 53rd birthday was unremarkable in number, it would be the first one since the death of her husband so Ben wanted to make it memorable in a good way. He’d had Phasma plan the entire trip so all he had to do was be waiting outside of Leia’s home in the uber as the driver put her bag in the trunk.

“Where are we going?” Leia asked as she climbed in next to him. 

“It’s a surprise,” Ben winked as the driver pulled away.

Dubai had been Evelyn’s suggestion -- she’d claimed it was the hot new place to vacation and whether Ben thought that was true or not was inconsequential. Phasma did whatever Evelyn suggested, even if it meant going into anaphylactic shock over strawberry ice cream.

But as soon as they arrived at the resort, Ben knew that he would have to send Evelyn a thank you card. Dubai was  _ beautiful _ .

They spent the first day on the beach collecting seashells the way they’d done when Ben was a kid. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen his mother so happy.

The next day, he’d taken her out to ride dune buggies in the desert and both remarked at the exact same time how much Han would have loved it. Ben took note of how it was the first time they’d mentioned Han without a frown or a tear or an uncomfortable pause. It was simply a fact.

He’d taken her shopping and bought her a big hat to wear the next day on the beach, and a silk scarf and a diamond bracelet that she’d insisted was too much but that he still caught her gazing at all throughout dinner as it caught light on her wrist.

By the time the plane touched down in New York, he was already thinking about where he would take Leia on their next trip.

*****

It was a few days later when Ben received a call from his mother that simply began with, “I had lunch with Rey.”

Ben choked on the toast he’d been eating, “You did?”

“Mmhmm,” Leia hummed in a sing-song kind of way. Ben knew she was teasing him.

“How is she?” he asked, cutting to the chase.

“She’s good. She started her own architecture company,” Leia told him casually and Ben felt an odd pang in his chest. The emotion was indescribable -- part of him was so proud of her that she’d left that job that had made her feel so worthless. The other part of him was disappointed that he hadn’t been around to see her accomplish so much.

“Wow, that’s amazing,” he finally blurted.

“She’s grown so much, don’t you think?” Leia nudged.

“Yeah, it seems like it,” Ben agreed, wondering what his mother was trying to do. He thought it was almost like she knew that they were taking some space for themselves.

“Maybe you should go see her?” Leia prodded further.

Ben narrowed his eyes, “What are you talking about?”

She sighed, “Look, I’m not getting any younger. I’d like grandkids in the near future.”

He didn’t even know what to say to that and she burst out laughing at his stunned silence. “I’ll leave you to it, then,” she finished with an amused tone before hanging up.

Ben narrowed his eyes at the phone in his hand as he mulled over the information. His mother had a point. Rey had come a long way, it seemed. Without his help or assistance and without ever calling him to say she was ready to be with him. Maybe she’d change her mind.

He’d never know unless he went to see her.

**_October 2021_ **

It took Ben a couple of weeks before he finally worked up the nerve to go see Rey. Honestly, he was afraid she’d moved on without him. She was accomplishing great things in her life, it seemed, and he wasn’t a part of that. 

But then, he had to wonder if he was. If she was doing it for him, so that they could be together someday. 

He knew that wasn’t the only reason because it just wasn’t healthy. He knew better than anyone that she needed to do things for herself, and not for others. But he couldn’t help but hope that he’d at least been a thought in the back of her head the whole time.

He didn’t have enough fingers to count the times he’d forced himself to go to therapy or spend time with his mom or talk about Han, all while thinking about how it might bring him closer to happiness and to Rey.

The address hadn’t been hard to find, a quick google search later and he was standing in the lobby of her office. “Can I help you, sir?”

“Is Rey available?” he asked the redheaded girl sitting at the front desk.

“Can I ask who’s visiting?” she raised an eyebrow.

“Ben. Uh, Ben Solo.”

She stood up and poked her head in the office behind her. “Ms. Johnson? You have a visitor.”

“Who is it?” Rey asked, and Ben’s shoulders relaxed immediately at the familiar sound of her voice.

“A Mr. Ben Solo?”

There was a pause and the woman opened the door, gesturing for him to enter. He stepped through the door and the first thing he noticed was the smudge of charcoal on Rey’s forehead. The second thing was how beautiful she was, despite the nervous expression she wore. “Ben,” she breathed and it made his heart skip a beat as he remembered how she’d sounded the same way as she squirmed underneath him.

“Hi,” he greeted when he finally found his voice and had to stop himself from cringing at how stupid he sounded.

“Do you want to sit?” she asked, gesturing to the chair as she sent her assistant off to get some coffee.

He nodded and sat, looking around before asking, “How are you?”

“Good, good,” Rey answered as she fidgeted nervously with some papers on her desk. He wondered why she was so nervous, and the realization that maybe she didn’t want him there hit him like a ton of bricks. “You?”

“Good,” he managed to laugh, swallowing down his own feelings. “Your office looks great. I’m really proud of you.” He wished he could put it into words the way he felt about seeing her here behind her desk. In her own office at her own company. His girl was amazing.

She sat a little straighter as she answered with a Thank You.

“My mom told me you and Finn started a company. I think that’s great,” Ben wasn’t sure what to say because he couldn’t help but notice the tension in the room and it occurred to him that maybe Rey wasn’t his girl anymore.

“I think it’s great that you and your mom are so close,” Rey said amidst the stilted silence, as though she wasn’t sure what else to say.

“This is weird,” Ben mused, finally addressing the tension in the room. “We just keep saying everything is good or great.”

The laugh that followed was awkward, “Yeah that is weird. I guess it’s been too long.”

Ben felt his expression fall. There it was. Too much time had passed, Rey had moved on and flourished and now he had no place in her life. Maybe she was dating someone else, or maybe she realized that she wasn’t in love with him. Ben couldn’t be sure of what she was thinking or feeling, but he had the distinct feeling that maybe he wasn’t welcome anymore. “I guess so.”

He rose out of his chair, feeling like he desperately needed air. Or maybe he just needed to get away before she could see him cry. “It was nice to see you, Rey.”

“Nice to see you too, Ben,” Rey offered and then added, “I’m glad to see you doing so well.”

“Me too,” Ben answered awkwardly before amending, “I mean about you.” He took a step closer and then thought better of hugging her. Instead he offered her hand, which she shook and the moment had a terrible finality to it. He could feel the tears so he turned quickly and left the room before she could see how devastated he was. She deserved to be happy, even if that meant he wasn’t a part of it.

If anything, he could take pride in the fact that he’d been a part of her life at all. That she was where she was today because of his urging. Even if it meant they’d never be together, at least he’d be an important person in her life.

**_November 2021_ **

Ben was grateful for the arrival of awards season because that meant that his work schedule was overflowing. And keeping busy meant that he had no time to lament over losing Rey.

“Answer your damn phone,” Phasma grumbled around the pin tucked between her lips. She glared at him from where she was pinning a lace overlay onto a gown.

“Hmm?” Ben raised his head from the beaded bodice he’d been concentrating on, stretching out his cramping finger as his brain worked to catch up with whatever his assistant was saying.

“Your phone. It’s been pinging for five minutes straight,” Phasma spat. “See who’s texting before I throw it against the wall.”

Ben reached into his pocket and fished out his phone, his eyebrows rocketing off his forehead as Rey’s name flitted across the screen. He hadn’t expected to hear from her, let alone receive over ten messages. Part of him dreaded reading it, but he was a glutton for punishment so he opened the conversation and began reading --

_ Rey: Hey, I wanted to talk about last month. _

_ Rey: It didn’t sit right with me. _

_ Rey: I don’t want things to end like that. _

_ Rey: I should’ve said something that day you came but I was afraid. _

Ben paused, wondering what she’d been afraid of - moving on? Telling him that there was someone else? - but her next reply was not what he’d been expecting.

_ Rey: I saw you at Whole Foods with your new girlfriend.  _

His new girlfriend? He frowned down at the screen, trying to figure out what she was talking about. He wasn’t at Whole Foods with a woman, so she must have been confused… and then it hit him: Evelyn. Out of all the days for Rey to run into him, it had to be when he was with another woman. He could imagine how Rey was feeling, if it was anything like the torture he’d gone through seeing her with Poe and he almost responded before remembering that there were more texts.

_ Rey: I wanted to ask Leia about it, but I couldn’t. _

_ Rey: And then you came here, and I couldn’t ask you then either. _

_ Rey: Part of me didn’t want to know, it terrified me to think that you’d moved on _

_ Rey: And I didn’t want to take away your happiness or make you feel guilty _

_ Rey: Because if you’ve moved on, I want to be happy for you _

_ Rey: And if you haven’t moved on, if there’s even a tiny chance that you still want me, I’m ready, Ben. _

There was no hesitation as Ben hit the little phone icon in the corner to call Rey and as soon as she picked up, the words spilled out of his mouth in a garbled mess, “I haven’t moved on Rey.”   
  
“Oh,” was all she said for a moment and Ben wondered if his words had even been coherent but then she followed up, “But what about…?”

He interrupted, “There’s no one else, Rey. That was Phasma’s girlfriend.”

“Oh,” she breathed again. Followed by a laugh, “Oh.”

His heart leapt at the relief in her voice and he found his own smile stretching across his face/ His tone was loving as he chastised, “I told you that I’d still want you. That I would wait.”

Rey laughed again, “I’m sorry, Ben. You must have been so confused last month…”

That was the understatement of the century. He’d been confused, hurt, depressed, hopeless, but suddenly he couldn’t bring himself to give a damn about last month. All he could think about was that Rey was ready and he was tired of waiting. “Go out with me.”

“Well, yeah…” Rey giggled and the sound was music to his ears.

“Friday?”

“Sure,” she agreed and Ben’s heart soared. 

“Okay,” Ben nodded and was about to continue before Phasma cleared her throat pointedly.

“We’re on a deadline, Ren…”

“I have to go,” Ben told Rey. “I’ll see you on Friday.”

*****

Ben’s leg was jiggling nervously under the table as he waited for Rey’s arrival. The second she appeared in the dining room, trailing after the hostess, he couldn’t help but smile at how beautiful she looked in her dress and he knew that Rose had helped her pick it out.

It was a lovely dress, for sure, but not nearly as lovely as the smile Rey wore as she spotted him. “First date?” the hostess joked as she watched Ben rise out of his seat to greet Rey.

“Yes,” Rey answered with a breathy laugh, because technically it was their first date.

“You’ll do fine,” the hostess winked and then took a closer look at Ben. “Wait, are you Kylo Ren?”

Ben gave the hostess an amused look and nodded, “I am.”

Rey grinned and took her seat across from Ben. “Weird. I always thought Kylo Ren was a woman,” she winked at him as the waiter placed menus on their table.

Ben couldn’t help but return her smile as she began looking over the menu and he couldn’t help but think, yet again, that she was the prettiest thing he’d ever seen and he finally had everything he wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who stuck with me until the end despite the frustration! I did give the HEA I promised despite some of you not believing me after Rey's Epilogue XD. Part of me is evil and just wanted to give you one last heart attack, but really I wanted to give Rey the opportunity to reach out to Ben to mend things and I think it showed growth on her part to not just let it go and accept his "new girlfriend" as a punishment. In the end, she thought about what SHE wanted: a life and family with Ben and she went for it.
> 
> Originally, when I started the story, I had intended for Ben to swoop in on Rey's wedding day and convince her to leave Poe. I decided I didn't like that trope because it was unfair of Ben to always just put his own feelings on the back burner and act as some kind of catalyst for Rey to discover her own self-worth. He is his own three dimensional character. And I also didn't want Rey to be a character who needed to be told that she's worth it by a man and magically realize her value as a human. So in short, I thought it was unfair to both characters to rely on such a silly romcom ending.
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed reading the story as much as I enjoyed writing it <3 On the off-chance that this story ever hits 1000 kudos, I'll come back and write one more Babies Ever After epilogue. Thank you so much!!


	23. The Final Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I commissioned this lovely (and sexy) artwork from [MrsMancuspia](https://twitter.com/MrsMancuspia) featuring the intercrural sex scene from Chapter 14! Please pledge to her [Patreon](https://www.patreon.com/MrsMancuspia) for more of her incredibly hot (and often heartwarming) artwork! I truly think she's one of the most talented people in our fandom!

DECEMBER 2021

The first holiday that Rey and Ben spent together as a couple was a difficult one -- but Rey felt fully prepared. It had been almost one year since Han’s death and Leia had insisted on throwing her usual holiday party. Both Rey and Ben knew that this was in an effort to keep herself distracted from feeling down during the holidays.

“You don’t have to come,” Ben had assured Rey. “We just started dating and I’m sure she’s going to cry at some point and Poe will probably be the--”   
  


“Ben,” Rey said, clapping a hand over his mouth. “You know I love your mother, so I’m coming. And Poe is a big boy. He’ll be fine.” She stood on her tip-toes and gave him a kiss to sooth him, “Besides, would you rather I spend Christmas alone?”

Ben had only argued  _ a little _ after that. Rey had been amused, of course -- it was as if he was so afraid that the littlest thing would send her running when they already knew all of the skeletons in each other’s closets. Rey didn’t think there was anything he could say or do that would make her leave. Really, it was the most comfortable she’d been in a relationship her entire life, even though they’d been dating less than a month.

So as the day of the party approached, she had a shopping date with Phasma, which had been another battle. “Why are you calling me? You know I don’t like you,” Phasma had told her instead of answering hello like a normal person when Rey called.

“I need help,” Rey had begun to explain.

“Well, yes, clearly…” Phasma interjected.

“...picking out a dress to wear to Leia’s party,” Rey finished, completely ignoring the sass she was receiving from the tall blonde. There was no love lost between her and Phasma, but Ben adored his assistant dearly (for whatever reason) and that was enough for Rey to at least attempt a relationship with her.

“Hmm,” Phasma hummed as if the temptation to dress Rey was too alluring.

“I don’t want to embarrass him,” Rey continued, deciding that maybe vulnerability was the best route. “I usually just ask Rose for help but she’s busy with the baby so I do--”

“Blah, blah,” Phasma said. “I don’t need your life story. And you definitely don’t need her help. She puts you in the most vanilla shit I’ve ever seen.”

“Well, I mean, it’s a party his mom is going to be at so I don’t want to wear anything too--”

“If we do this, you wear what I tell you to wear,” Phasma said, a finality to her voice that had Rey instantly agreeing.

When they met for lunch, Phasma had marched her straight into the Dolce&Gabbana section of the department store where she had already put a dress on hold for Rey and when she emerged from the fitting room, Phasma stared at her, “If I didn’t hate you so much, I would eat you up right here.”

Rey ignored the snark and held her hands up self-consciously. The entire bodice of the dress was made of see-through lace and Phasma had assured her all she needed was a sexy black bra to complete the outfit. “I can’t wear this. It’s too…”

“Perfect?”

“I was going to say ‘skanky’ but sure. I  _ did _ tell you that this is a party his  _ mother _ is throwing, right?” Rey pointed out.

“It’s classy-skanky,” Phasma had assured her. “And everyone knows that Leia Organa-Solo is a whore for Dolce & Gabbana. She’ll love it.”

“You’re not just trying to embarrass me, right?” Rey asked suspiciously. “I’m in this for the long haul with Ben and I don’t want to be banned from family functions.”

“Please,” Phasma rolled her eyes. “I’m just going to tell Ben this is my Christmas present to him. Because when he sees you, he’s going to want to unwrap you.”

*****

Phasma had not been exaggerating about the effect the dress would have on Ben. When she arrived at Leia and he helped her out of her coat, he’d immediately wrapped his arms around her and pulled her back against his chest to whisper in her ear, “You little minx.”

Rey turned and smirked up at him, “Do you like it?” She could feel his hands wandering the expanse of her stomach and back. “Okay, you like it. But you can’t feel me up in the middle of the party.”

Ben grinned, “Maybe we could have a repeat of last year?”

Rey blushed remembering what they’d done in his boyhood room. “Ben.”

He was already pulling her up the stairs, leaning down only long enough to whisper a promise that had Rey instantly wet, “This time I’m going to come inside you.”

*****

When they finally re-joined the party some time later, both flushed and slightly disheveled, Rey caught sight of Poe. Not only did she catch sight of him, but he’d definitely seen her creeping down the stairs, holding Ben’s hand.

She knew that she had nothing to be ashamed of when it came to Ben. He wasn’t her dirty little secret anymore. And she had been forced into the same functions with Poe a handful of times the past few months -- it was inevitable when they shared best friends. 

She just wasn’t sure how to handle him seeing her in a relationship with the man she’d cheated on him with. Rey was surprised, however, when they made eye contact and he offered her a stiff smile and a nod.

The relief that blossomed through Rey was euphoric. She didn’t have any hope or desire of being  _ friends _ with Poe, but they would be constants in each other’s lives so it was a weight off her shoulders to know that she wouldn’t always need to be walking around on eggshells in his presence. They were both allowed to move on and be happy.

*****

MAY 2022

“He hates me,” Rey pouted, her arms crossed over her chest as Ben hauled another box into his townhome.

“He doesn’t hate you,” Ben laughed, setting the box on the floor and wrapping his arms around Rey’s middle.

Mr. Binx stood in the entryway, hackles raised, pacing back and forth as he hissed at Rey and all of her boxes. “He doesn’t want me to move in here,” Rey pointed out. Maybe it was a sign that six months into the relationship was way too soon to be moving in with Ben.

“He’ll get used to it,” Ben promised, kissing the top of Rey’s head before bending over and picking up the box he’d set down. He had none of the reservations that Rey had about fitting in with his life, in his home.

Once Ben had taken the box upstairs, Rey squatted down and held out her hand towards the feline. “Come here, Mr. Binx.”

The cat turned up his nose, presenting his offensive little butthole to Rey as he trotted off after his owner. Rey sighed: she’d conquered her boyfriend’s mother (Leia loved her), she’d conquered awkward run-ins with her ex (they’d perfected the awkward nod), she’d conquered Phasma (debatable, if one asked Phasma), but here she was being defeated by a  _ cat _ .

Usually when Rey spent the night at Ben’s, Mr. Binx would protest by hiding under the bed in the guestroom instead of taking his place at the foot of Ben’s bed (Rey knew this is where the cat slept because it was always covered in fur).

When she agreed to move in with Ben, the ornery cat hadn’t been a thought in her mind. She was over the moon at the thought of waking up every morning in Ben’s arms, of never having to eat microwaved dinners by herself or sleep with the tv on so that she didn’t feel quite as lonely.

When she got upstairs to Ben’s room,  _ her  _ room, Ben was already in the closet, carefully hanging the clothes from her boxes and Rey had to snort at his excitement in organizing her wardrobe. “I’m surprised that there is room in here for my stuff,” she commented as she wrapped her arms around him. The novelty of just being able to hug him and touch him and kiss him whenever she wanted to still hadn’t worn off. Ben was  _ hers. _

“I had to put some of it in storage,” he told her, a slight pout to his tone.

“Aw, I guess I’ll have to make it up to you?” Rey suggested, wiggling her eyebrows as she dropped down to her knees.

*****

JULY 2022

Two years after she’d first grown close to Ben at Leia’s Hamptons beach home, Rey found herself reliving the car trip that brought her there. Once again, she was in the passenger seat of Leia’s cornflower blue convertible -- the only difference this time was Ben’s presence in the backseat. 

Every time Leia looked in the rearview mirror, she cackled in glee at the sight of her behemoth son sitting hunched against the door as her luggage and Chewie took up nearly the entire backseat. Even Rey could admit it was an amusing sight, but she also felt bad for her boyfriend who looked so put out and uncomfortable. And yet, he was sweet enough to refuse changing seats and making  _ Rey _ uncomfortable.

She watched as Ben brought their luggage upstairs, admiring the view from behind until Leia cleared her throat, “I think I am going to head to town and get some groceries.”

Rey blushed, knowing that she’d been caught ogling Leia’s son but the smirk the older woman sent her made Rey relax. As a thank you for the alone time, Rey carried Leia’s luggage upstairs, storing it in the master bedroom before finding her boyfriend standing on the balcony they’d shared two summers ago.

She wrapped her arms around him, loving the way that he was almost too big to hug like this. And yet, she never grew tired of trying. “Whatcha doing?”

“Where’d my mom go?” Ben asked, nodding towards where Leia’s car was disappearing down the drive.

“She caught me looking at your butt and decided to give us some alone time,” Rey explained.

“What?” He turned around, catching her by the elbows. “Seriously?”

“Yeah,” she laughed at the scandalized look on his face. She would never get over how sweet she found Ben and Leia’s relationship. For someone who had once held such bitterness towards his parents, it was touching to learn that Ben Solo had become quite the mama’s boy.

“Rey, my mom is going to know what we’re doing,” Ben groaned.

“She already knows what we’re doing. What we’re going to be doing repeatedly just down the hallway from her room.” Rey pointed out, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Saying it like that makes me not want to,” he complained.

“Well you should have thought about that before you looked so good climbing the stairs,” Rey joked, reaching behind to pinch his butt.

Her playfulness must have washed away any doubts he had left, because the disapproving look he had on his face quickly transformed into and impish one as Ben picked her up, throwing her over his shoulder and carrying her from the balcony into the bedroom. “You’re in trouble now.”

He tossed her onto the bed and Rey leaned back on her elbows and winked at him, “Are you going to punish me?” She spread her legs to reveal her surprise -- that she’s taken off her panties on the way upstairs.

Ben’s eyes glazed over at the sight and he pulled his shirt off as he stalked towards the bed and climbed on top of her, pinning her arms over her head as he nestled between her thighs.

Afterwards, as Rey lay draped over him, trying to find the will to get dressed, Ben spoke gently, “Marry me.”

Rey lifted her head, “What?”

Ben sat up, knocking the bewildered Rey off of his chest as he reached down to find his discarded jeans. He pulled out the box and opened it to reveal the ring, “Marry me.”

Rey’s eyes widened and for a minute Ben was terrified that she would refuse, but then her face broke into the brightest smile he’d ever seen and she threw her arms around him. “Yes, Ben, yes!” she said, kissing his ear as she pressed herself against him.

When she finally pulled back, he took her hand and slid the ring on and Rey couldn’t be bothered to care about how big and shiny it was when she only had eyes for her  _ fiance.  _ After peppering his face with another round of kisses, she leaned against his chest and finally glanced down at it, “You know, sex turns you into a sap.”

“What do you mean?” Ben pouted.

“The first time you said you loved me was after sex and now this,” Rey teased.

“I was going to ask you tomorrow during the fireworks,” he defended himself but then he realized that just proved her point. He’d been so swept up in the moment, he hadn’t been able to wait to ask her.

“See? I bet I could make you do anything I want if sex is involved,” she joked.

“I would do anything you want because I love you,” Ben admitted honestly, making Rey’s cheeks turn a bright shade of pink. “Are you mad that it wasn’t romantic?”

She tilted her head back and kissed under his chin, “Who said it wasn’t romantic? I love you, Ben.”

When Leia arrived home with the groceries, Ben and Rey dressed and met her in the kitchen to help with dinner. Leia was Leia, though, and the first thing she noticed was the huge rock on Rey’s finger. “Benjamin Solo,” she stomped her foot. “You were supposed to wait.”

Ben had the decency to look ashamed, “It just came out.”

“You are so much like your father,” Leia complained. “He was the same way. I am so sorry that my son does not have a romantic bone in his body, Rey.”

Rey laughed and Ben smiled at the comparison to his father, despite the fact that Leia was annoyed. “I thought it was perfect.”

“You don’t deserve her,” Leia said, rolling her eyes as her son wrapped his arms around Rey.

Over the next few days, Rey noticed an abundance of bridal magazines that seemed to appear out of thin air and thought Rey didn’t care about where she got married or what kind of floral arrangements there would be, it seemed that her future mother-in-law did.

Rey didn’t grow up with a mother, but she would be gaining one through marriage and when a fourth magazine showed up as Rey snoozed by the swimming pool, she knew what she needed to do.

She found Leia inside, sipping at some kind of fruity cocktail as she checked her phone. 

“Leia?” she asked tentatively, holding the bridal magazine against her chest.

“Yes?” Leia set her phone aside and looked at Rey.

“Would you help me plan the wedding?” she asked, crossing the kitchen and sitting at the stool next to the older woman.

Leia’s entire face lit up and as soon as Rey set the magazine on the counter, Leia flipped it open. “So I was thinking: a June wedding. That’s when Han and I had ours. And big pink peonies for the reception. We could do it at the country club…”

Rey smiled softly at Leia and just nodded along as the older woman started making notes in the margins and circling things she liked in the magazine. The only thing Rey cared about was marrying Ben and she was more than happy to let Leia take the reins in planning her only child’s wedding.

When Ben came in from taking Chewie on a walk, he smiled and kissed the tops of both Rey and Leia’s heads and they both looked up from the magazine to give him the same look of adoration.

*****

NOVEMBER 2022

  
Rey wasn’t a fan of the unplanned. She liked to be in control of a situation and whenever something happened to throw a wrench in that, she panicked. She had panicked this morning when she realized that she had forgotten to take a pill and that led her to realize that she hadn’t had her period in over a month and a half. Which led her to take a pregnancy test, which led her to where she was now: trying to figure out how to tell her fiance that they were expecting.

The wedding was still months away and needless to say, Rey had panicked when she saw those two blue lines. They hadn’t even talked about having kids, let alone planned out when it would happen. They’d only been officially dating for a year, and while she knew Ben wouldn’t be angry, she couldn’t help but feel that he would be disappointed to see her walk down the aisle looking like a beached whale.

She’d turned to Rose almost immediately, who had calmed her down enough to tell her to make a doctor’s appointment and most importantly, tell Ben.

So here she was, standing outside of his study. She raised her hand to knock, then decided against it. She was always bursting in to surprise him with coffee or kisses -- he was grumpy when he worked and she was always looking for ways to cheer him up. If she started knocking now, he would be instantly suspicious.

“Ben…” Rey began, fighting to keep the nervousness out of her voice as she crept into his study, hands behind her back.

“Hmmm?” The response could barely be considered a grunt and Rey knew that he was distracted because his eyes had not once lifted from his sketchpad as his hand worked in sweeping strokes to draw what appeared to be a voluminous tulle dress.

“What are you working on?” she asked, draping her arms over his shoulders and resting her weight against his back -- it appeared he hadn’t yet noticed what was clutched in her fist.

“A dress?” Ben’s voice lilted, as if he couldn’t understand why his fiancee was asking such an obvious question.

“Hmm,” Rey hummed thoughtfully, “That’s good practice. I was thinking I might need a new one.”

“What are you talking about?” Ben finally asked, his voice filled with a mix of amusement and annoyance.

“I just don’t think I’m going to fit into mine by our wedding in June,” Rey explained, setting the positive pregnancy test she’d hidden in her fist onto Ben’s sketchpad.

It took Ben a full ten seconds to fully grasp what was happening. First, he picked up the pregnancy test, “Rey is this…?” When he whipped around to look at her, Rey was launched off of where she had been laying over his back and fell to the floor. “Shit sorry,” he leapt from the chair and helped Rey up. And then, as if remembering what he was holding, he blinked at her, “Wait. Are you…?”

Rey nodded, “I’m pregnant, Ben.” She braced herself for a lecture about how she was supposed to be on the pill. Or for panic to set in and send him running off. Or for him to tell her he wasn’t ready or even worse… that he didn’t want it.

None of those things happened. Instead, he scooped her up and spun her around, grinning like a mad-man. “We’re gonna have a baby.”

“Ben, please put me down. I’m going to be sick,” Rey groaned and the next twenty minutes involved Ben’s profuse apologies as Rey emptied her dinner into the toilet bowl.

*****

As they lay in bed that night, with Rey tucked safely in Ben’s arms, he couldn’t help himself as he stroked her belly soothingly. She’d already laughed and told him that there was nothing to feel there, but for Ben, it was nothing short of a miracle. Some days he woke up and couldn’t believe that there was nothing standing in the way of being with the woman he loved. 

He hadn’t put much thought into children, other than knowing that he wanted a few. He had assumed they would figure it out once they’d been married for a couple of years. And although he’d been looking forward to all that time to have Rey completely to himself, he couldn’t fight the euphoric happiness he felt at knowing that they were expecting.

He knew that Rey was nervous about motherhood. He’d caught her throughout the night looking upset or worried. For Rey’s sake, and for their unborn child’s, Ben promised himself that he would do his best to reassure Rey. “I think you’re going to be an amazing mother,” he told her after a stretch of silence. He knew that she was still awake -- her snores had yet to fill the room.

She scoffed, “You can’t know that.”

He pressed his lips to the top of her head and mumbled, “I do.” He imagined that it was hard for Rey when she’d grown up without parents of her own as models. Hell, Ben’s parents had hardly been the paradigm of good parenting when he was growing up -- he would just have to do his best not to repeat those same mistakes.

Rey said nothing and he took that to mean that she didn’t believe him, so he continued, “You’re going to be a perfect mother.”

Finally, she asked in a quivering voice, “How can you say that? It’s a whole human life and I’m responsible for keeping it alive and healthy and happy and I don’t know how to do that.” Ben pulled her closer when she started to shake and it made his heart break that she was crying. “I didn’t mean for this to happen, not now... maybe not at all. I’m scared.”

He grabbed her shoulder, turning her over so that she was facing him. “You’re going to be a perfect mom for  _ our _ baby, Rey. Want to know how I know?”

She looked up at him with teary eyes and nodded.

“Because you will love them. That’s all our baby needs. Everything else we’ll figure out together, ok?”

“Ok,” Rey agreed and she relaxed against his body. “I love you. I wouldn’t want to do this with anyone else. You know that, right?”

“I know,” Ben answered. He buried his nose in her hair, and when she sighed, Ben wondered if she was still awake. “Rey?” he said softly.

“Hmm?” came her drowsy reply.

“If it’s a boy, can we name him Han?”

Rey turned in his arms, leaning up to kiss his chin as she replied sleepily, “I think that would be perfect.”

FEBRUARY 2022

Rey and Ben were cuddling on the couch as they often did during the evenings -- sometimes watching tv or reading their respective books or more often than not, making out since Rey’s libido was out of control -- when something miraculous happened.

On this occasion, Rey was reading while Ben dozed next to her. It was her fault, really, that he was so tired. They’d made love twice before bed the night before, once in the shower that morning and then the minute Ben walked through the door, she’d jumped him again, taking only enough time to pull his cock out before he took her roughly against the wall in the entryway.

Just thinking about it now made Rey want to nudge her fiance away. Or maybe she’d wake him up with a nice wet blowjob. Rey’s mouth watered a little at the thought of his salty skin and musky scent. Yes, that seemed like a very good idea…

But then, Mr. Binx jumped up onto the sofa. He  _ never _ joined their cuddle sessions, in fact as far as the cat was concerned, Rey was still enemy number one. But here he was, cautiously walking towards her, flicking his tail. He placed one paw on her thigh, stepping onto it as he leaned forward and sniffed her.

He must have liked whatever he smelled because he climbed onto her lap and draped himself over her belly, purring loudly. “Ben,” Rey whispered. “Ben, look…”

“Hmm?” Ben asked sleepily, sitting up long enough to take note. “I told you he’d get used to you,” he mumbled and then leaned back, closing his eyes again.

Rey was sure it had less to do with her and more to do with the baby, but Rey’s heart melted at the thought of the animal loving and protecting her baby. “Thank you, Mr. Binx,” Rey whispered, reaching down and scratching under the cat’s chin the same way she’d seen Ben do a million times.

From that moment on, Mr. Binx followed Rey from room to room like a shadow. While he had been sleeping in the guest room or on the couch, he’d taken to curling up next to Rey in bed, purring in contentment as she scratched his cheeks and ears and belly and finally Rey felt like she truly belonged here with Ben and everything that was his.

*****

JUNE 2022

On the day that Rey Johnson became Rey Solo, she woke up with a view of the ocean and knew that today was going to be the happiest day of her entire life. When she thought back on the past two years, it was hard to believe how much she had changed, and how she’d been foolish to think that she would ever be happy with Poe.

Her heart belonged to Ben -- perhaps it had from the moment she first laid eyes on him. No one would ever make her feel as full and loved as her husband to be. Everything she’d been afraid of when it came to Poe -- her career, her home, the idea of children -- was so much simpler with Ben. She had his support and his love. He cared about what she wanted and never made decisions for her the way Poe had. And perhaps most wonderful of all was how excited he was to become a father.

Rey reached down, placing a hand over her stomach just in time to feel the baby kick. “Do you miss papa?” she asked, rubbing a soothing hand over her stomach. For the first time since she’d moved in with Ben, she had slept alone.

Her bachelorette party consisted of a lot of food and movies with Rose and Finn, followed by a long hot bath and an early bedtime. Not much of a party, but Rey was ready to burst and the last thing she wanted was the same kind of bachelorette party she’d had when she was engaged to Poe.

Ben, on the other hand, had gotten the full bachelor party experience, complete with a stripper. The only reason Rey knew this was because she’d gotten a very apologetic (and drunken) call from him at two o’clock in the morning. “Rey, Rey I’m so sorry…”

Rey sat up in bed, wiping the sleep from her eyes, “What happened?”

“There’s a stripper,” Ben slurred.

“O...kay,” Rey said hesitantly.

“Don’t be mad, Rey. I didn’t look,” Ben promised, still sounding wasted and remorseful.

“Well,” Rey snickered, finding that it was hard to be mad at him when he was already so apologetic. It was kind of cute and that was another sign of how smitten Rey was with her fiance. “You can look, but don’t touch. Okay?”

“I won’t!” he shouted and Rey had to hold the phone away from her ear. “Phasma is touching though. She got a lap dance.”

Rey wrinkled her nose, “Okay, Ben. I’m going to go back to sleep. Have fun, okay? But not too much.”

“Can I come see you?” he asked, sounding like a little boy.

“You’re not supposed to see the bride before the wedding,” Rey teased. “Goodnight, Ben.”

But now, the next morning, Rey wondered if she had made the right choice. She would have slept so much better with Ben next to her and even their unborn child seemed upset by his disappearance. Her thoughts were interrupted as her door opened and both Leia and Phasma entered, uninvited.

“In the shower,” Phasma demanded, nudging her towards the bathroom. “We have three hours to make you presentable and we’re going to need every minute of that.”

Rey made an indignant noise and Leia snickered, but Rey did as she was told and got ready. Well, as ready as one could be at almost eight months pregnant: she’d had to waddle out of the bathroom and ask for help shaving her legs. It had not been Rey’s finest moment.

Nor had it been when she could barely fit into the wedding dress or when Leia had to hold her dress up as she emptied her bladder not once, not twice, but three times in a one hour time period. 

By the time Leia left to greet the wedding guests and Phasma had run off to find a needle and thread to fix the buttons that Rey had burst, she was in tears. Nothing was going right and she did not feel beautiful. When Phasma came back, Rey was in a heap on the floor, crying big fat ugly tears.

“Get off the ground, you’re going to ruin the dress.” Phasma barked, marching over to where Rey was crouched on the ground. She had come to make the final touches, to make sure that Rey was ready to walk down the aisle in a dress that she and Kylo had spent the last six months perfecting. The wedding dress was truly a nightmare and every time Rey had come in for a fitting, they’d had to let the dress out a bit more. She was  _ not _ about to let Rey ruin it. “Who has a wedding on the beach anyway? So much sand everywhere,” Phasma complained, reaching down to grab Rey by the elbows and hoist her to her feet.

Rey let Phasma lift her and tottered in the heels she had been given. Her ankles were so swollen there was no way she was going to make it down the aisle in them which sent her into another round of tears.

“Oh good lord, why are you crying?” Phasma groaned as she gave Rey an irritated look. She was so tired of the pregnancy hormones and all of the temper tantrums that seemed to come with it. Phasma had no clue how Kylo was more than happy to do this woman’s bidding.

“I’m fat,” Rey sobbed, waddling forward and throwing her arms around Phasma. “I’m fat and ugly and Ben is just going to take one look at me and wonder why he’s marrying a beached whale.”

Phasma tried, unsuccessfully, to pull herself out of Rey’s grasp and rolled her eyes, “First of all, you’re wearing a dress by Kylo Ren, you look gorgeous. Secondly, Kylo is  _ not _ going to think that. This whole week he has not once shut up about you and that damn spawn you’re growing. I’d say his whipped arse thinks you’re even more attractive now that he’s got you all knocked up because men are disgusting like that.”

Rey sniffled and Phasma prayed to the heavens that Rey didn’t get any snot on her powder blue Alexander McQueen jumpsuit. “Do you really think so?”

Phasma sighed, “I barely like you. I wouldn’t lie to make you feel better. Now stop crying before you ruin your makeup.”

Rey sniffed and nodded, “Thank you, Phasma. I don’t know what gets into me with these hormones.”

“Yeah, yeah,” the blonde woman waved her hand dismissively. “Now put your shoes on and let’s get this show on the road.”

“My shoes,” Rey’s eyes began to water again, “They don’t fit.”

“Do  _ NOT _ start crying again or I swear to god, Rey…” Phasma warned. “Give me five minutes.” When she came back, she had a pair of white keds in her hands and knelt down by Rey’s feet, helping her slip into the shoes. “I will have to pray to the fashion gods to forgive me for this.”

Rey stood, letting the dress fall to the floor, “You can’t even see them.”

“Yes, but I’ll know they’re there,” Phasma sighed.

Rey wrapped her arms around the tall woman again, “Thank you.”

“Ugh,” Phasma made a noise of complaint and unwrapped Rey’s arms from her middle. “Don’t get sappy.”

“You like me. You don’t have to pretend,” Rey grinned.

“I  _ tolerate  _ you,” Phasma rolled her eyes. “I don’t  _ like _ anyone.”

“Uh-huh,” Rey teased. “That’s why you cried when Ben asked you to be Godmother?”

“I did not. He’s a liar,” Phasma huffed, crossing her arms over her chest in a show of aloofness, but her blush gave it all away.

“It’s okay. I like you too,” Rey laughed. “But if you ever bring a stripper near Ben again, I will murder you…”

*****

Ben stood at the small altar set up under a canopy on the beach at his mother’s vacation home. Rey had insisted on marrying here and he was an idiot when it came to denying Rey anything. Now, as he stood in an Armani suit in the blistering sun, he was regretting his decision. He was sure that he’d already sweat through his shirt and there was sand in his Louboutin’s.

But then the music started -- “I Can’t Help Falling in Love” by Elvis, as cliche as it was -- and Rey began to walk down the aisle and it was impossible for him to feel anything but joy. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on.

It was hard not to think about their first days together here at the house, the sight of her in that white bikini and he thought that she was just as lovely and enticing now as she had been that day. Perhaps even more so now that she was round with his child.

His heart was beating so fast that he was afraid it would pound right out of his chest. How did he get so lucky to be standing here? There had been a time where he never thought that he would find someone who understood him so well, who cared about him and supported him and believed in him. He never thought Rey would be his and a part of him was still so unsure that he even deserved her love. 

He didn’t understand love until he met her, not fully. He’d never felt passion and joy and pain the way that she had taught him to feel and it was startling to realize that he’d only been living half a life until she walked into it. 

His eyes left the vision of his wife-to-be only to glance at his mother, who was standing in the front row hiccupping and wiping her eyes -- and that was another miracle brought about by Rey. Would he ever have mended the relationship with his mother if Rey hadn’t been in his life? 

As soon as Rey was close enough, she’d walked down the aisle by herself, Ben took her arm and held her as close as was appropriate. He’d seen her only a day earlier but he already missed her so much. He smiled at her softly and wiped a tear from her cheek as the priest began the ceremony.

So much of his life led up to this moment and yet when it finally came, it was over in a flash. The priest said a few words and then he took Rey into his arms and kissed her as everyone cheered. He was hers and she was his and nothing else in the universe mattered but them.

*****

Han Benjamin Solo was born on June 23rd, 2020, which also happened to be the third day of his parents’ honeymoon. Rey hadn’t wanted to travel, and for that Ben was grateful because he wasn’t sure how he would have handled his wife going into labor in a foreign country. He hadn’t handled it well in New York and he’d spent the majority of his life there.

Ben would have to take credit for his wife’s labor and they would certainly joke about it in the coming years, but when it happened, it was a different story entirely.

Rey and Ben had stayed in the Hamptons for their honeymoon and had the entire house completely to themselves for the first time, which meant naturally that they’d had sex on the beach, in the pool, on every surface of every room, really.

Part of the problem had to do with Rey’s breasts and Ben’s inability to think about anything else. He loved her body anyway, but now that she was with child her breasts had grown round and heavy and when Ben had suckled at them on the second evening of their honeymoon, he was delighted to discover that they were full of milk.

It was a kink that Ben didn’t know he had until he felt the first dribble of milk as he took her engorged nipple into his mouth. The sounds Rey made, little mewls and sighs as he drank from her, had him harder than he could ever remember being and there was an added layer of tenderness as she stroked his hair.

Ben couldn’t really help it when he pushed inside of her roughly, still suckling and drawing milk from her as she cried out. His hips drove into her relentlessly, pushing her up the bed as he fucked her hard and she stroked his hair lovingly the whole time. 

It wasn’t until after, with Ben’s face still pressed flush to Rey’s breast that she said, “I feel weird.”

Ben lifted his head, “Was I too rough?”

Rey blushed and shook her head, “It’s not that… I just…” She grimaced.

“Rey? Are you okay?” Ben sat up, putting his hands everywhere in an effort to check her for injury.

“I think it’s just Braxton Hicks contractions,” she said, trying to brush off his worry.

But when they didn’t subside and only came more frequently, Ben insisted on taking her to the hospital. And so, their first son came into the world, three weeks early and without Rey’s beloved Obstetrician and Ben tried his hardest not to take it as a sign that their child would be a troublemaker like him.

“He has your hair,” Rey cooed, her voice full of adoration as she brushed her fingers through the dark curls as the newborn lay against her breast. She lifted him gently and placed him in Ben’s waiting arms.

“He’s beautiful,” Ben said, leaning down to kiss his wife. “You are amazing.” His heart felt so full as she reached for his hand and Ben felt grateful to be married to this woman who he knew would give him everything.

*****

MARCH 2025

“Ouch.” Ben’s grumbled complaint fell to deaf ears. Mr. Binx was currently sleeping on his pillow, which meant that Ben had been sleeping with his head at an odd angle which left a stinging crick in his neck. When he turned to find a more comfortable position, he was met not only with Han’s tiny foot in his face but the sound of Rey’s ear-splitting snores.

The main issue was that the bed was too small a space for four living things to sleep. Soon to be five, if their next child was as eager as their first to make an early appearance. Han was almost three now and  _ should _ be sleeping in his own bed. Hell, it was a miracle they’d managed to conceive again at all considering how often he snuck into their room at night. Then there was Mr. Binx who would refuse to leave Rey’s side and he’d taken to hissing at Ben whenever he tried to remove the cat from their bedroom.

Ben would like to say that he was annoyed by all of this. He knew he should be, anyway. For Ben Solo, life had always been chaotic and it still was, but now he could only feel peace and contentment. He rolled closer to Han, draping an arm over him as he took Rey’s hand, smiling as she mumbled his name in her sleep. This was true happiness and Ben Solo felt whole.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who read this story (and especially those of you who have been waiting for this final epilogue)! I am blown away by how amazingly supportive and encouraging the Reylo community is and I never in a million years imagined I would actually get to 1,000 kudos. If not for all of you, I might have gone crazy this year. I love you all!
> 
> If you enjoyed this story, please check out my other WIPs! <3


End file.
